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Where’s the wooing? Where’s the spontaneity?
“I blacked out. He legit had to shake me back to consciousness. He won’t use it on me anymore even though I’m begging desperately for it.” Keeping my expression neutral, I say, “Isn’t that lovely. Congratulations on the intense orgasm.”
You’re a shortsighted boob. Jesus, that’s good.”
“Tonight was an absolute succubus of valuable time. I hope it never happens again.”
would rather stick my head in a gas station toilet than go on another date with you.” “The pleasure was not mine, babe. Hope you come down with a bad case of the toots later.”
That old fucking bastard just Tonya Harding-ed my ass, nearly cutting my dick off with the edge of his chair.
My only purpose at the end of the night was to make sure she understood how fucking beautiful she was. How I hadn’t been able to take my eyes off her and couldn’t fathom how stupid her date had been in leaving her, missing his one chance at having her. I wanted her to know that, in my eyes, her smile had outshone all the radiance of the room, and that she was easily the most captivating woman in there.
How did this go so wrong?
I mean its your fault gf
It was never my intention to anger him more, nor was it my intention to cause him to fall. But I accomplished both things . . . whilst pantsing him at the same time.
“I’ve been tea-bagged,” I cry out in horror,
“Either way, you shouldn’t have been pulling on my shorts, unless . . . that was your plan all along. Trying to get me naked to sit on your face.” I lean back and slowly clap. “Wow, Kelsey, job well done.”
“Urgggh.” I release both my breasts and go in for a double poke, but he’s just swift enough to poke me in the nipple one more time before stepping away.
She covers her mouth from the very unladylike burp that just erupted out of her. She glances at me, shock registering across her face, before she asks, “Did you happen to hear that?”
Lottie: Really? Because I think I call you “oh God” more often than not. Kelsey: And this is precisely why I haven’t had you on the show. This was a bad idea.
“And that Minnie Mouse shirt . . . wow. You know, I might have asked you to hold my hand if I knew you back then.”
She wants a partner in this life, and unless I show her I can be that kind of man for her, I’m not sure she’ll ever give me a chance. But I’m there. I can feel it.
I’m going to text you, and you can read it in the morning, when your mind is . . . fresh.” “I’m fresh as fuck right now.”
not sure I said this, but good job being a voice for the pigeons, man. You’re doing God’s work.” I clutch my chest. “Thank you, that means a lot to me.”
“Smelling.” “Smelling?” she asks, her face tightening in confusion. “What are you smelling?” “The wall,” I answer, and then to my horror, I spin around, plant my nose right on the wall, and take a big old whiff.
“Why are you smelling the wall?” Great, solid question.
To: McKayla, Kenzie, Hattie, Eileen, Barbie, Olivia, Betty, Rita, Jessica, Tess, Pauline, Dominique, Miranda, Cara From: JP Cane Subject: Be my Date Hey ladieeees, Sending a big old cock of an email because, you know . . . I have a big cock, so this email has to match. Here’s the thing. Hux is getting married to Lulu Lemon and they told me I need a plus-one. Looking for a willing candidate to escort me down the aisle. All expenses paid. Promises of pleasure. If interested, hit me up. I wear condoms still. K. Bye. JP
Are you alive this morning? You texted me a picture of Kazoo eleven times last night, all in a row. That leads me to believe you didn’t stop drinking.
“And I know this isn’t the best timing and that this is selfish of me because you’re about to go out on a date, but please, please don’t go out with him. Stay here, with me, be with me, give me a chance.”
“I can help. I can sort your lingerie, if you want.”
I’m still in awe you chose me.”
Does that mean you like the butt twirl since he doesn’t like the butt twirl?” He grips his hair. “What’s the butt twirl?” With my index finger, I make a twirling motion and shoot it up to the sky. “Right up the old toot-toot.”
“I know.” I slowly nod my head. “I fucking know. Rock bottom. But the only thing that’s getting me to keep moving forward is the idea that I could take a picture with Kazoo in our matching shirts. I actually giggled at one point thinking about it.”
“Look around you. You’re drowning yourself in sugar cane root beer that I can only assume tastes like a foot, you’re attempting to twin with a goddamn pigeon you’ve never met, and you’re naming fictional pigeons Kelsey. This isn’t just rock bottom, this is crossing a line, and to hell if I’m going to sit back and watch.
Do you love me? Do you want to move in with me? Do you want to marry me? Do you want to be my pigeon?
I glance down at my custom-made pigeon shirt and then back at my girl. “I asked you if I looked nice, and you said yes.”
“Mr. and Mrs. Cane, I’m so glad you could make it.” I don’t bother correcting her, because I really like the sound of it. “Thank you for having me and the wifey.”
