Very British Problems: Making Life Awkward for Ourselves, One Rainy Day at a Time (Very British Problems, #1)

by Rob Temple

Switching from ‘kind regards’ to ‘regards’ as a warning that you’re dangerously close to losing your temper.

Wondering why washing-machine minutes last roughly quarter of an hour.

Not quite catching someone’s name, meaning you can never speak to them again.

Having to say the word ‘bye’ at least three times when hanging up the telephone, getting quieter with each one.

Wishing someone goodbye and then leaving in the same direction.

Saying ‘left’ and ‘right’ at random, rather than admit to the optician that all the lenses seem identical.

Telling someone you’re speaking to them ‘with all due respect’ to indicate you disagree with their point of view entirely.

Saying something was ‘quite good’ to indicate how truly terrible it was.

Saying you’ll ‘bear something in mind’, thus indicating your plan to forget all about it almost immediately.

Saying that somebody’s comment is certainly ‘food for thought’, as an indication that your last thought ever on the matter has just occurred.

Using ‘honestly, it’s fine’ to warn of your imminent meltdown.

Saying, ‘Let’s come back to that,’ meaning, ‘Please don’t speak again in this meeting.’

Saying, ‘Yes, we should definitely do that sometime,’ to indicate you will never be meeting up for dinner. Ever.

Saying, ‘I’ll take your word for it.’ Meaning: ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about.’

Willing yourself invisible on hearing the question, ‘Do we have a volunteer?’

The collective despair when someone raises their hand after the room is asked, ‘So, any questions?’