Slaughtermatic

by Steve Aylett

1. Leave town by east side and circle. 2. Hit the airport from north side. 3. Boost jetfoil. 4. Locate Rosa and Dante in Alaska by rumour trail regarding damn near impossible sexual escapades. 5. Claim supremacy over Dante in mindbendingly cunning chess games which last for months, evenly matched Dantes guessing each other’s moves to a T. 6. In the fifth month, have Dante kidnapped and subjected to a course of neuro-linguistic self-improvement which actually alters his submodalities and thereby his very personality. Thus faced with an unequally adjusted Dante at the chessboard, don a boxing glove and punch his lights out. 7. Seal Dante in indestructible floating arborium fitted with world library and riches beyond imagining, wherein his every thirst may be satisfied. Set perfect environment adrift in Bering Strait, disguised as iceberg. 8. Reconsummate love for Rosa in quarter-mile jacuzzi brimming with priceless dinosaur DNA and broadcast images via satellite mirror on to roof of White House. 9. Release a macro virus which changes everyone’s name to Micky Dolenz, wrecking the tax system. Declare the western hemisphere the Dolenz Free Lands and set up a new multipartite democracy in which charm and nervous tension prance hand in hand through the meadows, blinding one and all with the beauty of life. 10. Crown self with replica of universe formed by ozone sky-lens focusing ten years’ cumulative focal data down 3,200-mile refraction shaft into earth’s core, solidifying image...