If This Is Love

by Jewel E. Ann

“What do you see when you look at me?” I whisper before risking another glance up at him.

“My grave, Indie.” He shoves half the sandwich into my hand and brushes past me. “I see my fucking grave.”

“Indie girl … I’m gonna kiss you. And it’s not gonna change anything, but it’s gonna mean everything. Okay?”

“Indie girl …” he whispers in my ear before kissing my neck next to his thumb. “You’re my fresh air …” He drags his mouth to the other side of my neck.

“You’re the sun … so fucking bright, blindingly beautiful.”

“If I could go anywhere in the world, Indie … it would be inside of you.”

Every cell in my body, every thought in my head, every fiber of my being tells me she’s mine.

I’m not sure I’m hearing her correctly, but then she glances back at me. “You will marry Jolene, but you will never be hers.”

If I love her, I should protect her. Her feelings. Her heart. Her honor.

“You know,” he says, “someone once told me, ‘The world doesn’t care about us. It doesn’t wait for us. Why should we care about it? Why should we wait for it?’ So what are you waiting for, Indie?”

“Indie, if this is too much for you, too unbearable, too cruel … then we stop. I’m not sure something is always better than nothing. Sometimes, nothing hurts less.”

“Indiana Ellington … I love you too.”

I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore, except this … I love her.

Never … not ever, have I felt this wanted. This needed. He’s not just inside me; he’s flowing through my veins and filling my lungs.

“You’ll know where you are when you get there not because you know where you’ve been. You’ll know it because it’s where you’re supposed to be. It will be a feeling of belonging that can’t be explained. It’s just a feeling you’ll know. And all you have to do is keep following that feeling, and you’ll be fine.”

“Sometimes, happiness is fleeting. But I can now say that when I die, I’ll have known that feeling. I’ll remember how it felt to be home, if only for a few breaths. I’ll remember it forever; I’ll remember you forever.”

“What did you do? You don’t get to leave this fucking world while I’m still in it. Do you understand?”

“All of it. The water she’s drinking, the food she’s eating, the air she’s breathing. Just … everything.”

Not even with him, just near him. I don’t care where I am on this earth; I need to feel the sun. I need to feel Milo.

To feel this level of passion. To feel so fiercely protective. I’d forgotten how that thing keeping time in my chest beats differently just from a woman's touch. This woman.