If This Is Love

by Jewel E. Ann

“The bonds we make by choice are stronger than the bonds of family (the water of the womb).”

I love Milo Odell. Maybe one day I’ll marry him. But I’ll wait to tell him my thoughts about our future.

He’s still coffee, cinnamon, and leather—aka happiness.

My young heart is so invested in Milo Odell it feels like it stops beating when we’re not together.

“What do you see when you look at me?” I whisper before risking another glance up at him. “My grave, Indie.” He shoves half the sandwich into my hand and brushes past me. “I see my fucking grave.”

“I love your touch. I’ve always loved your touch, Milo. For different reasons. You’ve touched me in ways I’m sure you can’t imagine, maybe in ways you never intended. Your arms absorbed the grief I felt after Ruthie died. Your fingers have wiped so many tears from my face. Each swipe is like a salve to my soul, healing it with something as simple as a touch.

But your touch is still on my skin. I wonder if a day will come when I don’t feel your touch?” I laugh a little, and it’s a pain in the pit of my stomach. “I hope so because it hurts.”

“Indie girl … I’m gonna kiss you. And it’s not gonna change anything, but it’s gonna mean everything. Okay?”

He may never say the words, but I feel loved. I feel like no matter how far apart we are, part of Milo will always be with me. I will feel him forever.

“Indie girl …” he whispers in my ear before kissing my neck next to his thumb. “You’re my fresh air …”

“You’re the sun … so fucking bright, blindingly beautiful.”

MY. MILO!

Milo gave me a glimpse of a life I will never have. He’s going to marry Jolene, and it will feel like a death, like the day Ruthie died. If I go to their wedding, I will wear black. I will mourn the loss of my Milo.

“If I could go anywhere in the world, Indie … it would be inside of you.”

Every cell in my body, every thought in my head, every fiber of my being tells me she’s mine.

“But you will be mine,” she says. I’m not sure I’m hearing her correctly, but then she glances back at me. “You will marry Jolene, but you will never be hers.”

this kiss is not physical. It’s emotional. It’s everything I know he can’t say with words. It’s a promise he can’t keep. A life we can’t have.

‘The world doesn’t care about us. It doesn’t wait for us. Why should we care about it? Why should we wait for it?’ So what are you waiting for, Indie?”

“You were made for me, Indie girl.”

“Indiana Ellington … I love you too.” With a single blink, a tsunami of tears surges down my face. If this is love, then love is overrated. No. It’s flat-out cruel.

I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore, except this … I love her.

I close my eyes and claim every part of him before Jolene. And one day … I will tell her I had him first. One day, I will plant my foot in her face and make her feel like an inadequate wife, like a failure as a woman, like a second choice. She might feel entitled to a marriage certificate with his name, but he will always be my Milo.

If this is love, why is it wrong? If this is love, why can’t we be together? If this is love, why does it hurt my heart so much? If this is love … I don’t want to live without it. Without him.

“I will never stop looking for a way out.”

Milo buries his face into my hair next to my ear and whispers, “My. Whole. World.”

“Officially, I had a run-in with the barbed wire fence this morning after a bull got loose. Unofficially, I took a knife to myself so that I needed stitches, which meant I wouldn’t make it to the law school graduation in time because the drive was too long.”

“Sometimes, happiness is fleeting. But I can now say that when I die, I’ll have known that feeling. I’ll remember how it felt to be home, if only for a few breaths. I’ll remember it forever; I’ll remember you forever.”

“Life isn’t fair, Indie girl. But as long as you’re alive, it’s really fucking beautiful. As long as you’re alive, there’s a reason to open my eyes, stand up, and breathe in and out.”

As long as Fletcher owns Milo, he will also own a part of me.

“I’ve fucked your husband … more than once. I know what he feels like inside me. And he knows what I taste like. And you can’t wish that away, no matter how much of a total entitled princess bitch you try to be today. So remember … I had him first. And since we’ll be one big family … don’t fucking turn your back or blink because there will never come a day that his dick doesn’t get hard when I walk into a room.” I bare my teeth and tap on one of them. “And uh … you have lipstick on your teeth. You’re welcome.”

You have me. For how long? For as long as you need. Forever?

He’s mine as much as that beating organ behind my chest is mine … an integral part of who I am. The reason I’m alive.

She hasn’t touched her bank account, and her phone was left on her bed next to a note that read: Nobody owns me. And she signed it, Million Dollar Indigo.

“Darlin’, Indiana has seen me naked.”

“It is you. I’m gonna end this. I’m gonna end Fletcher and everyone who has laid a hand on you. And then I’m gonna give you the keys to the kingdom. And if you want to burn it down, I’ll light the fucking match for you. Okay?”

“Yes. She was worth it.”

She’s lavender and sunshine. She’s hope.

Is there a greater love than a man willing to take a life for you?

I chose you, Indie girl. And I’d do it again.

“Remember when you used to ask me to lasso the moon for you? Well, now I lasso it for Indie. That should tell you how much she means to me.”

“Milo, how long can I have you?” “As long as you need,” he says. “Forever?” I glance at him over my shoulder. “One day at a time.” “Milo.” I narrow my eyes at him. He shrugs off his shirt and unbuckles his belt, his grin larger than life. “Forever,” he mouths.

I know without question … this is love.