If This Is Love

by Jewel E. Ann

“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Ruthie said it meant the opposite. “The bonds we make by choice are stronger than the bonds of family (the water of the womb).”

Milo’s pretty. His skin is tan, and his eyes are the color of the sky around noon when I eat lunch and stare at the fluffy clouds.

“Nobody’s like you, Indiana. You’re in your own fucking league.” “What league is that?” Milo returns his gaze to me. “Self-destructive. You’d burn this whole place down before you’d let anyone tell you what to do, who to marry, or how to think.”

And it hurts because it’s familiar and safe, yet new and exciting. And I’m scared that nothing will ever feel like this again. I’m afraid no other man will ever touch me and make me feel like I do now.

The destructive power of loneliness should never be underestimated.

“What do you see when you look at me?” I whisper before risking another glance up at him. “My grave, Indie.” He shoves half the sandwich into my hand and brushes past me. “I see my fucking grave.”

But your touch is still on my skin. I wonder if a day will come when I don’t feel your touch?” I laugh a little, and it’s a pain in the pit of my stomach. “I hope so because it hurts.”

“A million dollars, huh?”

“What a bargain for someone so priceless,” he whispers.

“Indie girl … I’m gonna kiss you. And it’s not gonna change anything, but it’s gonna mean everything. Okay?”

It’s not my first kiss or my second kiss. I don’t know how many times I’ve been kissed, but I know this … with this one kiss, Milo resurrects the parts of my heart that died when Ruthie left this world.

“You’re the sun … so fucking bright, blindingly beautiful.”

“But you will be mine,” she says. I’m not sure I’m hearing her correctly, but then she glances back at me. “You will marry Jolene, but you will never be hers.”

“You stayed with Milo?” Jolene’s perfectly symmetrical brows stretch up her forehead while she rearranges all three berries on her plate with her fork. “Yes. God … I’ve slept with Milo so many times, I’ve lost count.” Fuck, Indie girl … you’re killing me.

“Indiana Ellington … I love you too.” With a single blink, a tsunami of tears surges down my face. If this is love, then love is overrated. No. It’s flat-out cruel.

Again, she giggles, and again, I tuck every little note of it into my memory because I know someday she won’t be laughing like this in my ear.

If this is love, why is it wrong? If this is love, why can’t we be together? If this is love, why does it hurt my heart so much? If this is love … I don’t want to live without it. Without him.

Milo: You look stunning today. And I thought valedictorians were supposed to give speeches. Why didn’t you speak?

I knew he would show up!!!

Milo buries his face into my hair next to my ear and whispers, “My. Whole. World.” His whispered words excavate a deep hole in my chest … maybe my soul.

“Sometimes, happiness is fleeting. But I can now say that when I die, I’ll have known that feeling. I’ll remember how it felt to be home, if only for a few breaths. I’ll remember it forever; I’ll remember you forever.”

But one day, she’ll really see Milo and love him because it’s impossible not to love Milo Odell. When that day comes, she will think of me and live the rest of her life never knowing if he loves her back—always wondering if he loves me more. And that will plague her for eternity.

“What the fuck, Indie …” he whispers while his eyes redden and his fingers dive into my hair, holding me captive. “What did you do? You don’t get to leave this fucking world while I’m still in it. Do you understand?”

He’s mine as much as that beating organ behind my chest is mine … an integral part of who I am. The reason I’m alive.

“Be free. I know this hurts, baby. It hurts so much. Be everything you were meant to be.” His lips drag along my cheek to my mouth. He blots my tears, and my hands rest over his while I shake and choke on a sob before whispering, “Yours. I’m meant to b-be y-yours.”

When I close my eyes, I imagine Benjamin is ours—mine and Indie’s.

I love her as much as I did the last time we were together. More. I love her more.

“You’re not Russ.” Milo removes his hat and grins. “Not to my knowledge. I’m just a guy who’s visited every floral shop in Dallas over the past three weeks.”

I can’t imagine the day when I can share space with Milo and not feel like he has more power over me than any other human.

“All of it. The water she’s drinking, the food she’s eating, the air she’s breathing. Just … everything.”

“Except you, Indie. I own every inch of you.”

“And in our prenup, you get nothing if you cheat on me.” Adjusting my tie, I don’t say a word. “Was she worth it?” Jolene eyes me with a stern expression and a hatred more intense than anything I’ve seen from her in our short marriage. Buttoning my suit jacket, I pull my shoulders back and make my way to the door, to Jolene. I stare down at her until she cowers, averting her gaze. “Yes. She was worth it.”

Some truths can’t stay hidden forever. Reality can be an unrelenting bitch that won’t be ignored. She wants to be felt and acknowledged.

“Hey, Annie. I want you to meet Indiana. She’s a feisty creature much like you.” Indie sniffles behind me. “Remember when you used to ask me to lasso the moon for you? Well, now I lasso it for Indie. That should tell you how much she means to me.”