If This Is Love

by Jewel E. Ann

“Are you going to be my angel now that Ruthie’s gone to be with God?”

I love Milo Odell. Maybe one day I’ll marry him. But I’ll wait to tell him my thoughts about our future.

“I’ll notice that you’re gone.”

“Watching you is my favorite job.”

I feel this touch in my chest—a gentle hand squeezing my heart, but not claiming it. More of a reminder that it’s always been his.

Milo turns, lips curled into a mischievous grin. “Ruff.”

“What do you see when you look at me?” I whisper before risking another glance up at him. “My grave, Indie.” He shoves half the sandwich into my hand and brushes past me. “I see my fucking grave.”

“I don’t think she’ll ever know you like I do, so I think you are mine in a way that’s hard to explain.”

“I love your touch. I’ve always loved your touch, Milo. For different reasons. You’ve touched me in ways I’m sure you can’t imagine, maybe in ways you never intended. Your arms absorbed the grief I felt after Ruthie died. Your fingers have wiped so many tears from my face. Each swipe is like a salve to my soul, healing it with something as simple as a touch.

But your touch is still on my skin. I wonder if a day will come when I don’t feel your touch?” I laugh a little, and it’s a pain in the pit of my stomach. “I hope so because it hurts.”

I’m stolen, yet I belong to no one.

“What a bargain for someone so priceless,” he whispers.

He has no idea how long it’s been since someone has touched me, really touched me like this. How can a touch so light reach so deep?

“Indie girl … I’m gonna kiss you. And it’s not gonna change anything, but it’s gonna mean everything. Okay?”

It’s not my first kiss or my second kiss. I don’t know how many times I’ve been kissed, but I know this … with this one kiss, Milo resurrects the parts of my heart that died when Ruthie left this world.

He may never say the words, but I feel loved. I feel like no matter how far apart we are, part of Milo will always be with me. I will feel him forever.

Milo makes everything feel like nothing and no one before him was real.

“You’re my fresh air …” He

“You’re the sun … so fucking bright, blindingly beautiful.”

“If I could go anywhere in the world, Indie … it would be inside of you.”

“But you will be mine,” she says. I’m not sure I’m hearing her correctly, but then she glances back at me. “You will marry Jolene, but you will never be hers.”

Happiness is as much an illusion as the intimacy of the sun setting.

“I’m certainly an asshole, but I care about you so much that the passing of time feels like torture.”

But this … this kiss is not physical. It’s emotional. It’s everything I know he can’t say with words. It’s a promise he can’t keep. A life we can’t have.

There goes my heart.

“You were made for me, Indie girl.”

“It’s too late. It’s already something, and it already hurts.”

“Indiana Ellington … I love you too.”

With a single blink, a tsunami of tears surges down my face. If this is love, then love is overrated. No. It’s flat-out cruel.

I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore, except this … I love her.

If this is love, why is it wrong? If this is love, why can’t we be together? If this is love, why does it hurt my heart so much? If this is love … I don’t want to live without it. Without him.

“Sometimes, happiness is fleeting. But I can now say that when I die, I’ll have known that feeling. I’ll remember how it felt to be home, if only for a few breaths. I’ll remember it forever; I’ll remember you forever.”

“Life isn’t fair, Indie girl. But as long as you’re alive, it’s really fucking beautiful. As long as you’re alive, there’s a reason to open my eyes, stand up, and breathe in and out.”

“Be free. I know this hurts, baby. It hurts so much. Be everything you were meant to be.”