More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
“You’re so good to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you,”
wish I could say more, give her more, promise her more and feel confident that she was ready for it.
That wall is slowly crumbling, dissolving under what seems to be a constant stream of happiness flowing from my eyes because I now have people in my life who care enough to help and get upset when I don’t let them.
“They do when their life suddenly starts going really good after years of everything always being bad.”
cry all the happy tears you want because you are finally free.”
me, standing by the door like he’s been waiting for me to walk through it. That honor belongs to the man in the suit as dark as his eyes are right now with his locs in a neat bun at the top of his head. That honor belongs to the hand he places on the small of my back and the kiss he plants on my cheek, to the gravel in his tone when he puts his lips at my ear and says, “You’re late.”
“Those things can wait. I want to hear you say it again.” “Why?” “Because it’s the truth. It’s always been the truth, but it’s the first time you’ve said it out loud, and I want to hear it again. Please.”
Something about the warmth of his gaze on my face makes me feel like there’s a hidden meaning behind his words, like he’s asking me for my verbal commitment to this job and something more. Something that makes my heart flutter. Something that makes my brain swirl with possibilities yet to be realized. Something that makes me feel brave.
My heart slams against my rib cage repeatedly, stealing my ability to breathe for a moment. I turn his words over in my head, hoping the repetition will help them make sense. It doesn’t. I can’t fathom Sebastian Adler wanting anything from me that would evoke the emotions sweeping across his features, softening the lines of his thick brows and filling his champagne eyes with earnest.
“You seem to be under the impression that you’re not the most precious thing in my life. There is no end to the list of things I want to have with you and give to you, chief among them is time. Time to heal. Time to trust. Time to prepare your heart for what mine wants to ask of it.” The pad of his thumb swipes over my bottom lip, and he drops my gaze to trace the motion with his eyes. “How could you ever think I don’t want you around after all the things I’ve done to keep you in my orbit?”
Every other moment we’ve shared before this, pales in comparison to this one. To the sincere emotion Sebastian has layered into every word and pressed into my flesh. To the heat in his eyes that matches the molten lava scorching my veins and giving me startling clarity. Suddenly, I can see everything. Not just Sebastian’s handsome face looming in front of me in a haze of tears, but also everything he’s done to demonstrate the truth he’s just laid bare.
didn’t save yours, Nadia. You saved yourself. You didn’t need me then, and you don’t need me now, but I want you to want me.”
I can’t breathe, but it’s not because of the way he’s holding me, it’s because of the way his touch makes me feel like there’s never been anything else in the world that’s mattered to me more than it.
The need to go slow, to be gentle, is a song on repeat in the back of my mind, but I’ve waited for this for so long that it’s hard to hear
the lyrics. And when Nadia brings her hands up and grabs my jaw, running her fingers over the hairs in my beard, it becomes nearly impossible. She’s touching me so freely, but I’m going slow. The fingers of the hand not wrapped around her throat exploring the soft curve of her waist a quarter of an inch at a time while hers move through my locs in swift strokes that send tingles through my scalp.
“I want you, Sebastian.” She tugs on my hair, forcing me to abandon the home I’ve created in the curve of her neck. “I’m not going to change my mind.”
Her reassurance is the only invitation I need to dive into the lushness of her mouth. Kissing Nadia is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. She’s sweet and soft and receptive. She’s commanding and impatient, using her grip on my hair to hold me still and control the kiss. I let her. Because her comfort trumps my need to lead. Because she gives me more when I give her less and what she’s giving me is all I’ve ever wanted from her. Desire laced breaths. A seeking tongue plundering my mouth with want on its tip. A quiet moan that comes from deep in her chest and comes to live in mine. A
...more
I’m going to make it my mission to spend every day loving Nadia out loud, to spend every day showing her that no one owns the parts of me that she does.
When he uses it, it’s not just a descriptor—a thing I happen to be some of the time— it’s an endearment, a title I’ll always hold when I’m with him.
But the second Sebastian’s lips collided with mine, that desire, that craving for the gateway to true intimacy came alive again. And it isn’t just a want anymore, it’s a need that pulses inside my body, incessant and loud as Sebastian pays for the groceries, demanding and impossible as we enter my apartment.
This man just brings it all out of me. Everything I’ve trained myself not to feel, not to want, not to hope for, it doesn’t just exist with him, it blooms. It grows. It thrives, turning sweet and fragrant like ripe grapes on a vine that only fall when they’re overflowing with goodness, ready to be picked up and made into something new.
want this. I want him.
Suddenly, I don’t care about how big he is or how long its been or the fact that I’ve never done this consensually, all that matters is I’m empty and he’s the only person that can fill me up.
Our breaths come together in a tangled hiss that demands us to do anything but stop. Anything but abandon lust for logic and desire for reason. And even though I know we both know better, we obey the primal order without a second thought.
Slow wouldn’t have the euphoria that’s always eluded me spreading through my limbs like the first spark of a wildfire hunting for something to turn it into a real flame.
“Don’t fight it, precious,” he murmurs in my ear, tracing the shell of it with his tongue. “You deserve this, don’t you, baby? You deserve to be fucked like this. To come so hard you can’t see straight on a dick big enough to touch the end of you and still go deeper.”
It’s all so fucking perfect. The man. The dick. The filthy, filthy words he’s chanting in my ear that make my muscles seize and my core melt.
“You didn’t run out of time. It was stolen from you, but you have time now. We have time, and I’ll show you how good it can be, okay? Do you hear me, precious? I’ll show you that it can be so much better.”
Hiccups mixed with shuddered breaths tear through me, ripping me apart at the seams until Sebastian’s lips cover mine. He murmurs reassurances into my mouth, literally speaking them into me, and I feel my soul go quiet in observance of his promises. The pain subsides, retreating to make space for the quiet bloom of desire.
“Show me how much better it can be.”
“I’m a you person.”
It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Her trust. Her openness. Soft eyes on my face and lush curves in my hands. The chance to cherish her in a way she hasn’t been in years. It’ll last beyond this moment, my endeavor to lavish her with affection. I’ll be at it for years if she’ll allow me, decades, a lifetime.
Forever. That’s what I want with her, that’s where we’ll end up. She wanted me to say that last night when we were buying groceries for a meal we never got to eat, but she wasn’t ready to hear it. She’s not ready now, either, and that’s okay because we have time. Time to heal. Time to trust. Time to bask in the moments of connection we’ve been running from for so long. We’re in one now. A moment. And unlike all the other times we found ourselves wrapped up in each other, Nadia is right here with me and she shows no signs of wanting to leave.
“I got you.” My hands go to her waist, gripping tight to hold her in place while I take control of the rhythm. “I’ll always have you, precious. You don’t have to be afraid to let go.”
Nadia is one of the most guarded people I know, so these random moments of vulnerability are rare. I try not to make such a big deal out of them, but it’s hard to appear unaffected by it when I’m still inside of her.
“I want you with me whereever I go, Nadia.”
aches and swells at the same time, hurting for the part of Nadia that’s suffered at the hands of so many men, rejoicing for the part of her that feels safe with not only me but my family. My father, my brothers, my sister and Mom. She’s opened up to each one of them today in different ways, showing glimpses of who she is when she feels safe, and it’s only made me love her more. Clearly, I’m not the only Adler that feels that way.
but laying
down, but she’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in my life, the most precious thing I’ve ever held in my hands.
“I don’t want space, Sebastian. I want you in my space. I sleep better when I sleep next to you, so please stay.”
“I see you more clearly now than I ever have, precious.”
designer clothes or our complimentary heights. It’s the possessive grip he’s got on my waist, and the happiness swirling around us. It’s those champagne eyes on my face and the synchronicity of our breathing.
“Do you think you’ll ever find it? The more you’re looking for?” “I think I already have.”
“I don’t pray, Sebastian,” I blurt out, needing to say something, to lay some part of myself bare to him as a means of reciprocation for his vulnerability. “I don’t pray, but on the rare occasion I find myself in conversation with God, I talk to him about you. Even before we were us, I spoke your name to Him, submitted it to the heavens at the top of a list of the few things in this world I’m thankful for. I don’t believe or trust in anything, but I trust you. I believe in you. And I know that maybe that’s not enough—” my voice shakes and all my words disappear.
Every day I spend with Sebastian it feels less realistic to keep hiding from him behind the wall I built to safeguard my present from my past. He wants to know me, every part of me, and I want him to, but I’m also scared. Scared that a conversation about my parents will lead to one about Beau and that speaking his name will conjure him like a dark spirit, bringing him straight to New Haven, straight to my doorstep. “Not today.”
that wine was actually processed and barreled in…” “1991,” I interject. “The year I was born.” I look up and give him a watery smile, wanting to sob because I miss my parents so badly and holding this bottle makes that pain more acute, wanting to laugh because suddenly I don’t have a desire to talk about anything except them.“I guess we are talking about my parents today.”
Thornehill. It’s a combination of Hawthorne—my father’s last name—and Hill—my mother’s maiden name—but to me it has only ever sounded like home.
The gentle request sets memories I haven’t accessed in years free, and I see everything, I feel everything, and it’s just too much. I crumble under the weight of it all, sinking down to the floor as heavy sobs wrack my body and waves of tears pull me under, drowning me in a current of grief. Sebastian doesn’t crumble, but when I hit the floor, he hits it with me. Actually, he hits it mere seconds before me, allowing me to use his body as a cushion to soften the blow. I curl in on myself, and he wraps his arms around me and lifts his legs up, drawing me in closer, cradling me like a baby.
“He said he always had this desire to use land for something beautiful, to create something from it instead of leeching it dry like his family had for generations.”
Nyla Hawthorne. That’s Nadia’s real name. The one Maxwell and Corrine chose for her. The one she trusted me enough to say out loud. The one I asked her for permission to share with the person I trust most with sensitive information—Russ Cooper, the head of security at Ludus. Nadia was hesitant at first, but when I explained that Russ was who I would be giving that information to, and provided a few details about his military intelligence background, she agreed.
