Fall with Me (Playing for Keeps, #4)

by Becka Mack

Fingertips dance up my arm, across my collarbone, catching the lone spiral lying there, twirling it softly around his finger before letting it spring free.

“What do you want, honey?” “You.” He licks the corner of his mouth, right where a grin is starting. “’Bout fuckin’ time”

A perfect life is one where I spend the rest of it stargazing. And fucking,”

Jaxon is . . . living. Fresh air. An endless sky dotted with possibilities. He’s the deep breath before a scary step, the thundering of your pulse as you close your eyes and jump. He’s life beyond four suffocating walls, where stepping outside is like seeing in color for the first time.

“It’s doing something bad to me, honey.” “What?” “Makin’ my brain scream mine.”

Jaxon wrapped my hair before bed.

Oops.

“Britney’s Bitches are here to help,” he rushes out before I can cut him off. “I—” I frown. “Britney’s Bitches? Who are Britney’s Bitches?” The four of them raise their hands. “We are.”

Who the fuck made this guy?

“I should’ve known. I should’ve known, that at a party for children, the biggest children would be the ones to cause an issue.

That’s what I’m thinking about this morning as I stand at the kitchen island, staring at a bright and fresh bouquet of pink tulips.

Mittens jumps at his ass, and Jaxon screams, clutching his butt cheek as he falls to the ground. “Ah! Man down! Man down!”

My leave-in conditioner and my comb. My curl butter and my favorite mousse. My hair dryer and my diffuser. Jaxon sits on the edge of the couch, spreading his legs. He gestures to the space there and picks up my comb. “C’mon, tidbit.” “What . . . what are you . . .” I swallow, pleading away the sting of my nose, the burn of my eyes. “You’re going to do my hair for me?” “I’m gonna try my best. I think I’ve watched you enough.” He takes my hand, guiding me to my feet, then down to my bum, settling on the rug in the space left for me. “Besides, you love correcting me when I’m wrong.”

It’s countless dollars spent finding the right products, hours and hours spent watching video tutorials. It’s a routine I’ve spent years fine-tuning, and it’s not just hair. It’s a part of me, and Jaxon . . . he’s making it a part of him now too.

“We still have to do Buckaroo Mitts! He’s the biggest, baddest cowboy in the Wild West!” Jaxon blinks at the outfit. “Fuck, that’s cute.” He shakes his head. “But that’s beside the point! I’m his dad; you need my permission before you dress him up! Plus”—he props his fists on his hips, looking properly outraged—“if I’d known you were doing a fashion show, I woulda got his tux steamed!” “Mittens has a tux?” He scoffs, a look of utter disgust on his face. “Every respectable cat dad has a tux for their son, Lennon. Please. You insult me.”

“My gran once told me that we become stars when we die. That the people we love and lose are set free in the sky, where no one can dull their light.” He swallows. “And they shine bright so . . . so we know they’re still with us. That they’re looking over us.”

I’m looking at her like she’s the sunset, and I’m seeing it in color for the very first time. That’s how I’m looking at her.

“You feel like Jaxon,” she says on a sigh. “Like Adam, and Rosie, and Connor too.” “Yeah? How’s that?” “Warm and safe. Like sunshine in a hug.”

I didn’t know what I was missing before her. Not really. It’d been so long since I felt like I really belonged anywhere. Since I’d really, truly allowed myself to be happy. There was no choice when she came along. All that happiness? It just . . . was. It existed, and I lived in it.

But I don’t want to fall alone. I want her to fall with me.

“I’m sorry, honey. I’m sorry that when I got in my own head, I asked you to leave my room instead of asking you to talk. I’m sorry I haven’t been around the way I’ve always been. I don’t … I don’t know how to communicate. Not about this kind of stuff.” “What kind of stuff is this?” “You. Me.” I swallow. “Us.”

“I don’t know if I liked being alone before you, but it was comfortable. I got used to the quiet. Felt like I belonged in it. But now, without you . . . I fucking hate the silence, Lennon.”

“Looking at you, knowing you exist in my world, that you could be mine one day and gone the next, is the most overwhelming thing I’ve ever felt.”

“You’re wet, honey. We’re having a serious discussion, and you’re over here, soaked and ready for my cock?”

“I can’t help it.” She moans, grinding against my palm as I finger her tight pussy. “Jaxon Riley, tattooed grump who thinks he’s only good for fighting, talking about feelings, pouring his heart out to me . . .” She shudders, a wicked gleam in her eyes as she takes her lower lip between her teeth. “Turns me on.”

“You are worth every heartache.”

“Did you put these silk sheets on your bed for me?” I press my lips below her ear. “Nah, honey. Put ’em on for Magic Mike. They treat him so gentle.”

“I put these sheets on for me. Because now you have no reason to get out of this bed, and I get to spend the whole night with you right here.”

“The best thing I’ve ever gifted to myself is, by far, the way I feel with you in my arms.”

“It’s beautiful,” she whispers. I catch her tear on my thumb. “Stunning.” “Do you love it?” My gaze traces the shape of her heart-shaped mouth, my favorite good-morning kiss. Follows the delicate slope of her jaw up to her high cheekbones, where the sunrise always paints her first. Takes in the spirals scattered softly across her forehead, the ones I love to twirl around my fingers when she’s lying against my chest at night. I settle on those deep brown eyes, as endless as the sky above us, dancing with the same dazzling stars, and I smile. “I do.”

’Cause I like you best.” Damn it, the pain isn’t leaving. “Why do you like me best?” “’Cause everyone else is always so happy and perfect, but sometimes you’re grumpy and sad, and it makes me feel like it’s okay to be grumpy and sad. I’m tired of pretending I’m always happy like everyone else.”

“You’re the only person whose opinion of yourself matters, Jaxon. Stop worrying about being enough for other people. Be enough for yourself.”

“I can’t wait to see you again so I can eat your sweet cunt, then make you taste your own honey from my lips.” Sweet baby Jesus, my soul has left my body. Another comes in, this one much tamer, but it makes my knees wobble all the same. “I miss you, honey.”

“Yes, ma’am.” “Call me Mimi.” “Yes, Mimi.”

“I’ve never cared about anyone the way I care about her,” I admit. “It’s . . . scary.”

“The best things in life are scary. That’s why we close our eyes when we jump. But we still jump, don’t we?”

As I smooth my hand over her thick curls, feel the warmth of her cheek pressed to my chest, everything feels right and good in my world.

I’ll never get tired of this. Never get tired of tasting her excitement, her happiness. Never get tired of the warmth that rushes through me when she kisses me like I’m the air she needs to breathe. Never get tired of the feeling in my chest, the way it pulls taut, like there isn’t an ounce of space left inside me, because when she’s in my arms, I feel full. I have everything I’ve ever wanted, even if I’ve pretended I didn’t, and for once in my life, I feel like I’m everything someone else has ever wanted.

“That’s the last thing I want. I feel really sad for you that you think so little of yourself. That all these years, you’ve missed out on the incredible person you are, the person we all know and love. The only thing I’m waiting for, Jaxon, is for you to realize what we all already know, which is that you’re enough. Kind, passionate, loyal, patient, funny, sarcastic, and so damn thoughtful.”

“You’re enough, Jaxon, exactly as you stand here today. That’s what I’m waiting for you to realize.”

“I’ll wait, Jaxon. I don’t care how long. Because this? This is a once-in-a-lifetime feeling. You’re a once-in-a-lifetime find. I’m not walking away.”

Mittens hisses, launching himself at Ryne’s thigh. His penis is simply too small to use for batting practice.

“Need some space? Cool. Take ten seconds to text me back and let me know you’re safe and you’ll contact me when you’re ready. I know you’re going through it right now, Jaxon, and I know you think you have to do it alone. But you don’t. So if you don’t wanna talk, that’s okay. I’ll sit beside you in silence so you know you’re not alone. That’s what family does.”

“Oh, hey,” Carter calls after him. “My mom told me to tell you she can’t make your date tonight. She’s busy, and also, she doesn’t wanna.” “Oh, hey,” Axel calls back. “Your mom told me to tell you she can’t make it to your place for breakfast tomorrow morning. She’s busy, and also, she’s my breakfast.”

“I always wanted to be bilingual,” Emmett murmurs. “Never dreamed the second language I’d learn would be Carter with his mouth full.”

“She deserves . . . stars. Fifty million of them instead of ten thousand. She deserves pink tulips, and extra shelves in her shower. A spacious countertop for her hair products, and a big window in the bathroom that gives her the best natural light to do her makeup. She deserves someone who wraps her hair for her on the nights she’s too tired to do it herself, and silk sheets on her bed just in case. Homemade instruction manuals to help her learn, a telescope to help her dream, and watching the Northern Lights dance through the sky. She deserves someone who hears her, who sees her. Someone who accepts all of her, without question and eagerly. She deserves love.”

“What do you want me to say, Len? What do you need to hear? Because I’ll tell you everything. You want to know why I have every place I’ve ever lived tattooed on my body except for Vancouver? You want me to tell you how I finally, finally, gave up? That when I was traded to my fourth team when I was only twenty-six, I was tired of telling myself this place might be it, the place I finally get to stay, the place I get to truly call home? Because I am. I’m so fucking tired of trying to belong somewhere, of getting my hopes up just to get traded when I fuck up, when they find someone who can do my job better than me, just to be forgotten by the people I called family while I was there. That’s why I pushed you away. That’s why I pushed everyone away. Because I’ve never been enough, Lennon, and I didn’t want to be here when you figured it out.”

“You want me to beg you to stay? To tell you how badly I wanna be the one who reminds you how much Advil to take, massages your back when you’ve got your period? The one who makes a detailed instruction manual for your favorite lattes, but makes them for you anyway when I wake up first? The one who puts your favorite flowers on the kitchen counter every week just to see you smile, who does your hair routine when you’ve had a shitty day and aren’t up for it? You want me to tell you how I wanna be the one sitting next to you on the couch while you show off all the pictures you took that day, listen to you talk about your favorite ones, smile at the way you you trip over your words because you’re so excited, so damn in love with your dream? That I wanna be the one who drives you out to the middle of nowhere at midnight just to fucking stare at you while you stare at the stars, because somehow, in this whole huge world, I got lucky enough to find you, not once, but twice? You want me to ask you to stay, Lennon? To tell you I’m in love with you?”

“Here it is, honey. I love you. I am so goddamn, mind-blowingly in love with you, and the thought of losing you is killing me. I don’t want you to go. This place only feels like a home when you’re here.” I whisper my final plea. “Please, honey. Please stay.”

“I love you for reminding me how much Advil to take, and for massaging my back when I’m on my period. I love you for teaching me how to use the complicated espresso machine, and for making my lattes most of the time anyway. I love you for the tulips, for taking the time to learn how to care for my hair, for sitting next to me on the couch and listening to me ramble on about my pictures. I love you for supporting my dreams, for taking me to watch the stars, for looking at me the way I look at them, and the same way I look at you, like I’m the most incredible thing you’ve ever seen.”