Frosted: A Frosty the Snowman Erotic Parody

by Rebecca Massey

I was worried I was one eyeball short of a spell. Only, now I am staring at a fucking living snowman!

Can demon snowmen melt? Would his spirit possess the grass? We do not need the neighborhood dogs being screamed at by snarky demon grass. Well, maybe that one terrier in apartment 7B.

I was once duped by a witch and it took a shovel, a box of condoms, a beaver in a priest costume, and four nights in Vegas with a tiny green pixie woman we are certainly never going to discuss, to get me back home. And that was only after spending four dreadful years in this realm!

I turn to the side and shuffle sideways. The sound of ice scraping wood is evident, but I make it over the metal threshold. And then I remember that I am spherical, and turning sideways was a waste.

“Stay,” she orders, holding a finger up. “Yes, because I have plans to run a marathon this evening.”

“I was just thinking of all the ways I am going to pleasure that pussy and destroy that tight body.” Wide-eyed, she stands motionless in front of me. “Have I shocked you into complete submission?” I smile.

Suddenly, I feel something smooth and cool push into me and I sit up, turning back to watch as he slides his carrot nose in and out of me.

Her juices have frozen my cheeks to her upper thighs, and I am literally attached to her. She is bound to me, and this is more sexy than the time in Vegas that we will not speak of.

I don’t know how long to leave the dick in the freezer. Betty Crocker certainly didn’t cover this in her cookbook.

Or would he just be talking water and carrots on my floor and make a bigger mess than he already has?

Unfortunately the internet is less than helpful when I type How to fuck a demon back to the underworld into the search engine.

some even reference a book containing a disturbing mayonnaise jar.

I may have gotten a little carried away last night when I was packing all of that snow together, because looking at it now – attached to him – it looks like a tree trunk stuck to the front of a mini car.

“Have you finally come to your senses?” “I’d like to come in general so I can get out of this frustrated state and move on with figuring out how to get rid of you.”

he is loud enough to prove it without the visual aid – but instead of jizz, it is a puff of snow flurries. The flakes come out like confetti from a cannon, puffs of delicate little ice crystals spewing from the end of the ice dick.

And if one were to get pregnant, would it be a half-human, half-snow being? Or half-human, half-demon? One third human, snow person, and demon?

Does birth control even work against snowflakes? Is this how yetis are made?

I think he also felt like they were going to replace him. If he only knew that with his subpar performance almost anything could replace him. A spork could replace him.

My real body could give her the spanking she deserves. I could fuck her boneless to where she wouldn’t have the strength to snark at me with such ease. She most certainly couldn’t throw my dick out the window!

I think I am going to call you Pookie after you are forced to be my little witchy wife. You can be pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen and bear all thirteen of my demon spawn and we will be happy forever and –” “Damnit! Fuck. Fine, I’ll get your dick.”

“It says Vampire Root.” “Tomato. Tomahtoe. It is the same thing.” “Really, because I thought a tomato was the same as nightshade and ended up with the disaster that is you,”

I realize he is making a mix of snowflakes, christmas trees, and – “Are those boobs?” I shout at him. He giggles as he places a second rack of, well, racks on the tray.

A man shouldn’t marry a woman unless she is the only thing he can see in his world.”

A woman in a Santa hat is pegging a guy in a reindeer furry costume on their balcony. Nice.

My brain is shouting that this is a horrible idea. Worse than summoning a revenge demon in a trash can. But my pussy is a damn hoe, and she is totally on board.