Her Name in the Sky

by Kelly Quindlen

Hannah looks through the windshield and begs the sky that her life will always be like this—large and loud and brimming with youth, but always followed by the quiet drive home and the promise of ending the night with her favorite person in the world.

You can’t just keep hiding from me, and hiding from whatever is going on between us, just because it might be messy and scary and require you to color outside the lines! I know you’re scared, but guess what, I’m scared, too!”

They are the only two humans on the earth tonight, she and Baker, and Hannah knows this.

brokenly, each kiss imparting wishes and prayers and shame, their tears mixing on each other’s mouths, and in a startling moment of clarity Hannah feels God there with her, pounding in her heart, flowing through her body and blood, but whether in jubilation or admonition, she doesn’t know.

She lies there, bleeding into the sky, until the sky starts to bleed red with morning.

She looks up at these trees and marvels at their existence, at how they just are what they were created to be, how they tower proudly on their wooden trunks, how they sway in the breeze and move their leaves like piano keys, and she prays that she can be like them, that she can innately grasp her existence and live it out without questioning.

For now that she understands the yearnings of her heart, what is she supposed to do?

Resign themselves to the lifelong burden of explaining their relationship to every new person they meet.

How can her feelings be right? How can they, when no matter what she chooses, she will never be whole?

“Hate like that—when it’s disguised as love, or righteousness or pity—I’m not going to subject you to hate like that. I’m not going to let that happen, honey.”

“Pain isn’t always a reflection of what’s right or wrong, Hannah.”

heart’s mysterious ability to love others is never wrong. Your heart will never ask your permission to love. It’s going to love whomever it was made to love, and the best thing you can do is follow it.”

Some people go entire lifetimes without facing the truth about who they really are.”

“It’s hard to love someone when loving them makes you feel ashamed of yourself.”