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Tits or ass: that’s the eternal question.
I’m a thigh guy. Definitely. Is it wrong that I want her to crush my head with them?
How have I fucked up…fucking? I’m great at fucking.
That was supposed to be an inside thought, Aeris. AN INSIDE ONE.
This man is freakishly attractive, but I’m sure he doesn’t need me to tell him that.
I came to this bar to drink in peace and drown in my own existential crisis. Not to be peddled by an Abercrombie & Fitch model who’s trying to stick his three-inch punisher in anything that walks.”
There’s something in the way he’s staring at me—something that puts my entire body on high alert, and something that has my vagina rubbing her nonexistent hands together in the belief that she’s about to get some tonight.
Hell, if the world has plans for me to get murdered tonight, then so be it.
I nod, apparently having reverted to my cavewoman vocabulary.
I stop in my tracks. I don’t know what it is about this girl, but she gets all my wires crossed.
“You don’t know me. I’m not going to come inside your house.” I place two hands on my hips. “Are you a serial killer?” “No, but…” “Then you have my permission to come inside.”
This is something my dignity will never recover from. Would it be rude of me to sneak out of my own house?
I look down through graying vision to pinpoint my tuxedo cat, Swiffer, nuzzling against me. And yes, she’s named after a Swiffer WetJet. Drunk me thought it would be hilarious when I first got her.
“He’s beautiful. He really is. Oh, God. And I think I made a comment about his penis,” I mumble. “Like, yeah, I joked that it was small, but it looks a lot bigger than average.”
His bicep looks to be the equivalent size of my head. My head.
I don’t think his hand would strain to wrap fully around my neck.
Jesus, I need to be spayed.
Dear Lord, give me strength. Make me think about anything else besides riding Hayes like it’s the Kentucky Derby.
Oh, great. I’m eating Dead Mom Pancakes. I’m the most ungrateful bitch alive.
He’s been going through a weird grandma phase lately. He has this strange fascination with chamomile tea, gluten-free cookie recipes, and crocheting.
This kind of shit only happens in fairytales.
Don’t deprive yourself of happiness because you’re afraid to get hurt.”
You know how when you’re drowning—or, I hope you don’t know—you
She’s been hurt in the past? Look, I have no idea what dickmuppet broke her heart, but if I find him, I have no problem giving him a one-way ticket to the ICU.
The arrogance in his tone isn’t a good sign, but neither is the heat pooling between my legs. Thank you, Hayes’ stupid audiobook narrator voice.
A Navy SEAL team couldn’t waterboard that picture out of me.
“Don’t move, or the guys are going to see the raging hard-on I have right now, and I’ll never hear the end of it.”
Any normal person would’ve substituted something else. But I didn’t. I called a connection I have in South Africa, and I asked him to send me a batch of the freshest nectarines he could find.
She’s poison in my veins, and I can feel it killing me slowly. So yes, to put it in simple terms, I like her.
Her singing voice is god-awful, and it kind of sounds like a cat being run over repeatedly, but I wouldn’t mind listening to it for the rest of my life.
“What if I’m in a freak skate accident, and someone’s skate comes flying toward my face?” she asks. “I’ll push you out of the way and take the hit myself.” “What if you’re too late, and my face is horribly disfigured? Will you still like me if I don’t have a nose anymore?” “I mean…that may be a little dramatic, but yes, Aeris. Yes, I will still like you.”
I don’t swoon, okay? No part of me has ever swooned. I brood. That’s it.
The ever-present flapping sensation in my chest feels a lot like infatuation. Or maybe it’s heartburn.
He looks…nervous? That can’t be possible, right? I’m the least intimidating person in the tri-state area.
I don’t know what to say. I’m too horny to generate thoughts.
can’t
You have no idea how long I’ve waited for your tonsils to know what the tip of my dick feels like.
If you want to eat your weight in chicken nuggets, I’ll buy you every single bag.”
“If you flex, I’ll walk out of here. Right now.”
I can’t imagine spending seven years of my life with another person. You would know everything about them by that point.
“If you ever touch her again, I’ll break your fucking arm. If you ever look at her again, I’ll dig my thumbs into your eyes. If you ever talk to her again, I’ll pull your tongue out through your teeth. I’ll end your goddamn hockey career. Do you understand?”
They’re so adorable it only sometimes makes me want to roll into oncoming traffic.
“Did you really get him a Peruvian Blue Fin?” I whisper to Gage. Gage’s chest flutters with a chuckle, and he shakes his head. “God, no. Those things don’t exist. Hayes is going to be feeding absolutely nothing for weeks before he catches on.”
Can humans smell pheromones? I hope they can’t, otherwise I’d reek of desperation right now.
“Frankly, I don’t think you were harsh enough. I mean, if you weren’t still madly in love with him, I’d pop all the segments of his spine out like pieces of Pez.”
“Li, am I dreaming? Slap me.”
“Aeris, will you—” “If you get down on one knee right now, I’ll knee you in the balls,”
