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Zora glowered,
So I had this problem at the end of book one- Finn just gets to the camp& already knows the General’s entourage by name? I think more of a formal introduction is needed - who are these people? What is their role in the group? I know roles might come out later, but the General could do a quick "Zora - Finn, Finn - Zora” it will help the reader feel they haven't missed something important - like an earlier meeting between characters at a different location.
Rebels”—she
Needs a comma and a space
word—
Comma
Questions to which I had no answers to.
Questions to which I held no answers.
Try to avoid ending with "to"
sharply turned
turned sharply
“Ophelia...”
Comma instead of elipses
“No…”
Comma
“No, I…” Ophelia struggled.
Move this to its own line - a new paragraph
silver streaks
Maybe add "tear" for clarification - with all the magic this description could be confused with something magic.
I…”
Comma
pain…that
Comma
day…Try
Period
Like
Bump this sentence to its own line.
sunflowers,
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raspy;
Period , then capitalize “Until”
Gideon
You keep going back and forth between calling him "Gideon" and "the General" - personally, I'd have Finn refer to him as the General until she knows him better. Either way, pick one rather than jumping between the two, especially in the same chapter.
he
Capitalize
“Then...”
Comma
all.”
Comma
“The
I'd bump this to its own line. The dialogue kind of gets lost here.
that…”
Comma
“You…”
Comma
Gideon.”
Comma
“Now…”
I think this goes on its own line.
tonight;
Not sure about the semicolon. I would just end with a period and start a new sentence
Ignorance was bliss, and I had lost so much of it already, either way I was in dire need of sleep.
This feels a bit run-on-y. "Ignorance was bliss and I had lost so much of it already. Either way, I was in dire need of sleep."
mind;
Personal preference again. Period and then a new sentence.
Cori’s voice
How does she know Cori's voice well enough to ID it in the dark? Maybe just "a voice"
ask.”
Comma
Tori shushed
Same as above-how does she know how these new people sound? If anything, I would rework to say "a voice, which I assumed was her sister..."
Her head peeked up as she rested on her elbows, peering over at my cot across the tent.
I thought the lights were off and it was dark in the tent?
tent.”
Comma
Yanush ch...
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Once again, unless it's not as dark as it's made to feel in the tent, how is Finn able to see who is talking? Or what they are doing?
real,
No comma
Now though
Comma after "though"
Physically…emotionally…
Period
emotionally…
E and a period.
c...
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I don't think this is necessary - but check grammar rules.
sometime.”
Comma
guard.”
Comma
to...”
Comma
thing…”
Comma
otherwise.”
Comma
“Great...Perhaps,
Period or comma
bright,
No comma
spirit.”
Comma
bad.”
Comma and I'd probably move this dialogue to another line to make it easier to read
Zora motioned for me to follow her to another clearing, past the training ring.
New line.
became…”
Comma
My mind paused, attempting to find the right words; All of them seemed wrong and unfitting to describe what Priya had become to me.
Run on. Suggested rework: “My mind paused, attempting to find the right words to describe Priya. They all seemed wrong and unfitting to describe what she had become to me.”
