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And for my dad, the proudest man alive.
It was a beautiful thing to watch your best friend be loved in the way you know she deserves.
“Hey, pornstache. Nice of you to join us.” “Fuck off, Theodora,” he said without even glancing my way.
But then, when Emmy and Teddy graduated from college, Teddy wore this dark green dress that just…Never mind. The point is that I know Teddy is pretty. Beautiful, even. But beautiful like a lion or an elk or any other large and dangerous animal. Beautiful to look at, but you didn’t want to get too close because it’d rip your throat out or trample you or spear you to death with its giant horns.
The other day, one of the girls I work with at the boutique announced that she was pregnant, and my first thought was that we weren’t old enough to get pregnant—especially on purpose. My second thought was to ask her if she knew who the father was. And then I remembered that we’re in our late twenties, and she’s been married for nearly five years. It just feels like everyone is moving on…without me.
Life had begun to feel bittersweet, and I was getting all of the bitter and everyone else was getting the sweet.
“You are many things, August Ryder, and some of those things aren’t great, I’ll be honest,” I said. “But a bad father isn’t one of them.”
But as I was walking out, I heard Teddy say, “So when’s the last time you were arrested?” “Never?” Riley said. “Well, tomorrow you’re going to say yesterday,” Teddy said. “Lucky you’re mom’s a lawyer.” Jesus Christ, what had I done?
Hey,” I finally coughed out. “Hi,” she responded. Her tone was cool. Why was her tone cool? My heart was beating at a rate that couldn’t possibly be healthy and she was just…fine?
“And I want you to ride my face. So I think we can both get what we want here.” “August Ryder,” I breathed as I sat up. “Are you offering me a mustache ride?” Gus smoothed two of his fingers over his mustache and said, “Saddle up, baby.”
I stood and crawled onto the hospital bed with him—careful of all the tubes—and curled into his side. His tattooed left hand rubbed my shoulder. “The devil will have to drag me kicking and screaming, Theodora,” he whispered, and I let myself relax into him. No matter how old I got, I would never be too old for this.
“I’m going to be fine. I’m always fine, but it just”—I paused for a second, trying to word my next bit carefully—“it just sucks to feel like I don’t have any other choice but to be fine because even if I wasn’t, people would expect me to be eventually, and so I don’t know if they would take it seriously that I wasn’t. Does that make sense?”
I’m surprised your household has so much glitter,” she chuckled. “I haven’t looked in her room because I know it probably looks like a fucking unicorn projectile-vomited all over everything,”
The possessive part of me wanted to tell that man exactly where he could shove his tab, but the flirty smile Teddy was giving him, along with a polite “Thank you,” stopped me. Teddy Andersen was coming home with me tonight. I was going to make sure of it. So who cared if someone else picked up her drinks? Teddy shone in this dingy bar. She said hi to everyone as they moved out of her way, making them feel special that they got to bask in her light for however long they were talking to her.
If I wanted this thing with Teddy to go anywhere, I’d have to remember that she was built to shine and glow and shimmer, and I couldn’t take that piece of her only for myself. She didn’t shine just for me. I got a different part of her—the part that was comfortable enough to turn down the brightness when we were alone, the part that wanted me to see past what everyone else was blinded by. There were parts of Teddy that would always belong to the world around her, but that didn’t matter because there were also parts of her that were all mine.
I didn’t look at anyone else on the way out. I was a man on a mission. And that mission—to put it in the most respectful way possible—was to get into Teddy Andersen’s pants.
I knew then that I’d never be able to tell this woman no ever again.
“But when I sat down and thought about it, it makes so much sense, because both of you love and live the same way—with your entire heart.
“Luke is my fiancé, my partner, my everything. But you’re my soulmate, Teddy Andersen, and I’m the luckiest girl in the world because of it.”
This was the scary thing about want—the fact that it wasn’t a guarantee. It was a wish, and wishes were made of air—at best.
“Wait,” I heard her say. “Is that…? Riley, look!” And then Riley shouted, loud enough for all of Meadowlark to hear: “It’s rock fucking jasmine!” And I had no one to blame but myself for her impeccable use of the F word.
