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We were definitely not on the same page. I wanted to climb this man like a tree. And he wanted me to fall from one and break my spine.
“Are you always so full of attitude?” I sassed back. “Yes,” he said simply. “Made an entire career based on it. Asshole is my entire personality.” “You weren’t always like that,” I pointed out, my gaze holding his. “Once upon a time, you were the best part of my day some days.”
“Cal, leave,” Row barked. “No, Cal, stay.” Dylan knotted her arms over the top of her belly, staring at him pointedly. Wow. Way to make me feel like a Labrador getting trained to be a service dog.
I felt like he’d wrapped me in a soft, warm blanket. Like the universe had shrunk around us and we’d become the very center of it. Mostly, I felt safe because even when he was angry, he was my comfort object.
“Row was always the dark and moody type.” Mom let out a dreamy giggle. “It’s part of his charm. They don’t make ’em like that anymore.” “What, murder-y?” I squeezed one eye shut, scrunching my nose. “Alpha-y. It’s all about cinnamon rolls and consent these days.” “Yeah. Consent. So gross, right?” I pinned her with a pointed look. Mom laughed. “Oh, you know what I mean.”
“I was going to say brilliant. Nice is such a mediocre thing to be. Row is extraordinary. Your father cared deeply about him.”
Now that you’re in an agreeable mood, I need you to do a few things for me. Allow me to point out that you are not in a position to turn me down, complain, and/or argue because I’m: Dead, and therefore cannot hear you. Always right. 100% going to haunt you if you fail me. I have a lot of free time right now, Callichka. Do not try me.
You were made for stardom. So go on. Touch the sky. That’s where I’ll be waiting for you.
And always remember what I told you: the darkness envies the moon because it helps it shine. Don’t let people tell you you are anything less than perfect.
oBITCHuary: Wow. I cannot imagine not falling for someone like you. Silly girl. McMonster: That’s the worst part, though. McMonster: She isn’t silly at all. She is fucking brilliant.
Food wasn’t just food. Food was community, it was passion, it was art. It was the stepping stones of the body, nutrition, and science. It was chemistry and facts, and at the same time creative abandon. Food was everything.
“I’m seeing a woman so lovable she just got tipped four Benjamins and refused to part ways with them when I explained to her we use a tip pool. Things almost got physical.” “But then you remembered I’d pelt you head to toe, turn you upside down, and stuff your inner organs with wasabi if you so much as lay a finger on her.” His grin widened. “You’re so good at not loving her. Highly convincing.” “Shut up.”
The last thing I needed was another complication in my life. And Cal made me feel…she made me feel. That was the main problem.
“You’re a mythical creature, Casablancas. Too big for this world. I spent my entire childhood watching you, and I still don’t think I’ve figured you out.”
oBITCHuary: I’m completely normal. McMonster: Respectfully, Cal, you’re not. oBITCHuary: LOL. I meant average. McMonster: You’re not that either. oBITCHuary: What am I, then? McMonster: If I have a say about it? Mine.
She looked sleepy and beautiful and fuck, that was another reason I didn’t do relationships. Imagine caring for someone, then letting them wander the world, exposed to all kinds of shit?
Because we’d both tasted darkness. Looked evil in the eye and survived. We were always destined to connect. Mac and Bitchy. Row and Cal.
Every girl needed a Row Casablancas to make her feel seen.
Admit it, Casablancas. You sold your soul to the devil. Your place is in hell, right along with me.” “Hell is my playground. I’m no newcomer to the zip code.”
I should have felt self-conscious in my sweatpants and Cookie Monster sweater, but I didn’t. I felt beautiful. Irresistible through his hooded eyes, like a flower in bloom, kissed by the unrelenting sun, on a flawless summer day. Happy. Alive. Home.
My. Girl. Heaven was a place on Earth and it was Row Casablancas’s bed.
“Say it,” he demanded hoarsely. “Give me your words. For once in this goddamn life, you come to me.”
“Row,” I rasped, rolling my finger over his full bottom lip, the earthy, musky taste of my own arousal invading my mouth. “That was the best orgasm I’ve ever had.” “Yeah.” He caught the tip of my finger between his straight teeth, nibbling playfully. “Mine too.” “Hmm, what?” My eyes flared. I tilted my chin down, trying to peek, but he pounced quickly, kissing the living hell out of me, blocking the view of his crotch. “I said what I said.”
“Whether it’s to have sex, go to a funeral, or start a heist, I’d always choose you over anyone else.” “Why?” I probed. “Because you’re it.” He flashed me a sexy grin. “What’s it?” “Everything, baby.”
“Fuck. Dot, what are you doing to me?” Nothing in comparison to what you’re doing to me.
I was a novelty, but him? He was magic.
“Now, you listen to me, Semen.” Semus, not Semen. Also, was he…threatening my cat? “You’re gonna stop pissing in Cal’s shoes, or I’ll come here personally every day to take a shit in your litter box. Now, how would you like that?”
I was going to live inside that pussy every waking moment until I had to pay fucking rent.
“Please forgive me.” She cleared her throat, her big blue gaze clinging to my face. “Already did, silly.” My eyes raked along her body to make sure she was all right. “No, not only for what I did.” She shook her head. “But for what I might do in the future. I have the tendency to reject happiness whenever it finds me. A self-defense mechanism, I suppose. I don’t trust myself with a good thing, Row. And you? You are the best thing out there.”
“Can I ask…why?” Cal’s big eyes blinked imploringly. “Because you’re…” I was trying to think of the right word. Familiar? Comforting? Easy to talk to? “Home.”
“Baby, you can stomp all over my face and I’ll say thank you.” I giggled into his dick, licking it eagerly like a lollipop. “Now put your cunt on my face before I die.” “Is that a request or an order?” “It’s a fucking plea.”
Now, for the last time, where do you get the Oh Henry! from, Row?” “Fuck.” His smile collapsed. I watched in fascination, my breath caged inside my throat. He trained his gaze on the wall behind my head, avoiding eye contact. “I make them.” “Hmm, come again?” Ideally on my tits. But honestly anywhere else would do too, I was tempted to add. “I. Make. Them.” His nostrils flared. “They’re no longer in circulation. I knew you liked them. So I found a list of the ingredients online, tested the quantities a few times, and started making them for you. The wrappers were easy to print and apply,”
“You’ve always been a picky eater and I didn’t want you to faint. I’d…” His jaw squared. “I’d have nightmares about it.” Lacing my fingers through his, I said, “I’m sorry. I wish I were in your dreams, not nightmares.” “Don’t worry, sweetheart, you star in both.” He pushed a hand into his hair. “My dreams. My nightmares. My fantasies. The only place you weren’t in was the place I wanted you to be most.” “And where was that?” “My reality.”
“I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry, Dot. Loving you from up close is so much crueler than loving you from afar. It reminds me of all the things I’ll miss out on. All the shit that can’t be mine. Because the thing is…” He wet his lips. “You feel mine.” “Am I your girl?” “No.” He shook his head. “You’re my everything.”
“What are you asking?” I raked my fingers through my hair, realizing they were shaking. “I’m asking you to fall in love with me.” His eyes didn’t drop from mine, clinging to my face, searching, pleading. “Please.”
oBITCHuary: I miss you. McMonster: Then do something about it. oBITCHuary: Like what? McMonster: Change your mind before we say goodbye. oBITCHuary: You can’t promise me you would never hurt me. McMonster: You’re right. I can’t. That’s why you have to take a chance on me. Love is a high-stakes game, Bitchy. Show me I’m worth it. Because to me? You’re worth the entire fucking world.
oBITCHuary: Thank you for being there for me. McMonster: I will always be there for you, regardless of what we are. McMonster: How did it feel? oBITCHuary: Like coming full circle. McMonster: Well, if you want to come in any other way, you know where to find me… oBITCHuary: Very mature. McMonster: I never claimed to be mature. oBITCHuary: What do you claim to be, then? McMonster: Unfortunately, yours.
