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Dedicated to all the girls who know Prince Charming is nice but the villain really knows how to use all that pent-up rage between the sheets. Here’s to choosing a guy who can be both.
To sum it up, he was a morally gray hunk who was a total red flag—my age group’s favorite color scheme.
I was worried my internal organs had gotten tangled around his penis. What if he pulled out and took my intestines with him? That thing between his legs was a health hazard.
“Anyone ever told you that you sound like the ignorant, angry townsfolk in a Disney movie?”
“First of all? Work on your people skills. You’re about as personable as an STD test.”
Probably rereading his favorite book—How to be a Dickface: The Full Guide.
It’s killing me that we could’ve been there for each other, but we weren’t. That we could’ve healed each other, but instead, we just cracked deeper and harder. Most of all, it’s fucking killing me that I only feel alive when you’re around.”
“It’s okay not to forgive people who destroy our lives.”
“Still can’t believe you’re into him. He looks like the kind of asshole to kill you, then join the search party.”
“Good girl.”
Eyes on me now.
“Now, you listen to me, Semen.” Semus, not Semen. Also, was he…threatening my cat? “You’re gonna stop pissing in Cal’s shoes, or I’ll come here personally every day to take a shit in your litter box. Now, how would you like that?” My educated guess was that Semus wouldn’t like it at all. But it was incredibly sweet. He had stood up against my bully. My bully just happened to be a seven-pound furball.
He always struck me as a Patrick Bateman type. Someone who was too busy shoving decapitated heads into freezers to have a stiff one with a buddy. So this gave me pause.
“Your safe word is bumfuzzle,” he informed me. Rather than fear, all I felt was excitement. “Why bumfuzzle?” “Because one would never be tempted to use it as part of dirty talk.” He frowned. “Though with you, I’m not so sure.”
His teeth were locked over the hook of the candy cane, but I was moving and thrusting, not wanting him to withdraw it all the way. If it broke off and I had to spend the night at the hospital, removing seasonal sweets from my ass, I was going to kill him.
I love you, man. And in order for me to continue to love you, I have to cut the cord. I’ve met actual cunts less cunty than you.
“Okay, don’t judge me. But this is…” “Baby, no.” I screwed my fingers into my eye sockets. “Yes.” “Cal, that’s unsanitary.”
Rhyland groaned from somewhere behind my shoulder, “This is the most cringe thing I’ve ever seen. And I was there when Paris Hilton tried to launch a music career.”
