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“Did you swallow a whole-ass dictionary?” Row’s whiskey-tinted eyes slanted into furious slits. “Also, you can say it felt like shit until you’re blue in the face, but your body told me a different story when you dripped all over the hood of my car.”
“You’re not broken, Dot.” He stuck the cigarette in his mouth, patting my thigh offhandedly. “A little cut, sure. All diamonds are.”
“Siri, play ‘My Best Friend Screwed My Older Brother.’” She finished her cupcake in one bite. “Oops. Never mind. No one wrote a song about a betrayal so cutting and deep.” “I’m sure there’s a country song about it,” I muttered. “It’s not like I slept with your boyfriend.” “If you’d have slept with my boyfriend, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” “Why?” Dylan snorted. “I’m not a medium, silly. I can’t speak to the dead.”
His breath smelled of spearmint and cigarettes, and I wanted to kiss him. Wanted to know if he tasted as good as he smelled.
“Row was always the dark and moody type.” Mom let out a dreamy giggle. “It’s part of his charm. They don’t make ’em like that anymore.” “What, murder-y?” I squeezed one eye shut, scrunching my nose. “Alpha-y. It’s all about cinnamon rolls and consent these days.”
Problems are like monsters. Fearing them only feeds them and makes them bigger.
Love you more than a flower loves the sun,
oBITCHuary: Why are you single? Haven’t found the right girl yet? McMonster: Oh, I found her. oBITCHuary: Then what is the problem? McMonster: Only one of us fell. oBITCHuary: Wow. I cannot imagine not falling for someone like you. Silly girl. McMonster: That’s the worst part, though. McMonster: She isn’t silly at all. She is fucking brilliant.
It was the first time I had cut myself in the kitchen in over a decade. And it was a great reminder of what I already knew. When Cal was around, I bled.
McMonster: My, my, you can be selfish when you want. oBITCHuary: Only with you. McMonster: That’s all right. oBITCHuary: Why? McMonster: Because you’re the only person I’m selfless with too.
“Your broken is still the most whole thing I’ve seen.”
Row and I sitting on the hood of his car, in front of an endless ocean, the moon, and the stars. Me saying, “Isn’t it beautiful?” and him answering, “Yes, you are.”
“Fine. Want the truth? Here’s the truth: No, I didn’t ‘have feelings’ for you.” He air-quoted the words with a sneer. “I was in love with you. Honest to fucking God, full-blown, snatch-my-heart-out-and-let-you-use-it-as-a-stress-ball in love with you.” He looked disgusted with himself for uttering each word. “And you didn’t give half a shit about me.”
“Y-you fell in love with me?” I stepped forward, my eye tic out of control. I didn’t care. I never cared when Row and Dylan were privy to them. “I didn’t fall.” He omitted a sharp, irritated huff. “You fucking tripped me.”
oBITCHuary: WHY are you even interested? You could have any woman in the world. McMonster: And you’re that woman. Where’s the mystery? oBITCHuary: I’m completely normal. McMonster: Respectfully, Cal, you’re not. oBITCHuary: LOL. I meant average. McMonster: You’re not that either. oBITCHuary: What am I, then? McMonster: If I have a say about it? Mine.
It was only now that I understood Dad’s greatest gift to me wasn’t the bike I’d gotten for Christmas or even the Barbie house he’d gotten me when I was six. He had taught me creativity and imagination. And they were my safe place.
“Anyway. I learned from a very young age that hope was the cruelest form of punishment. You offer me hope, Cal. It’s a tempting deal, but I’d be a fool to take it, knowing who you are and who I am.” He was still backing me toward the swings, while I watched his face, mesmerized. “Who am I?” I whispered. “A person who can’t fall in love, doesn’t want to fall in love, and has deep trust issues with men. Flaky and unreliable.” He continued walking me backward, and I continued stumbling in his desired direction. “And who are you?” I gulped. “A man who can’t fucking resist you.” He dragged his
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“Because I wanted a reminder of you, and taking a whole-ass album was out of the question. I could only afford the one suitcase.” “You could’ve taken two or three pictures.” Headshake. “One thing you should know, Dot, is that I’m greedy when it comes to you.”
My ancestors had not burned bras on the street so he could treat me like a prize he could knock over the head and drag into his cave for a good time.
“Say it,” he demanded hoarsely. “Give me your words. For once in this goddamn life, you come to me.”
“Jealous?” “Should I be?” He shook his head. “Whether it’s to have sex, go to a funeral, or start a heist, I’d always choose you over anyone else.” “Why?” I probed. “Because you’re it.” He flashed me a sexy grin. “What’s it?” “Everything, baby.”
“Shame.” I shook my arms, cranked my neck, and feigned nonchalance. “If you isolate yourself, you’ll be missing out on all the good parts.” “Impossible.” He scooped my jawline in his palm. “The best part is right in front of me.”
McMonster: Can I tell you something? oBITCHuary: Yes. McMonster: You remind me of those paintings of anatomical hearts with flowers bursting out of the arteries and veins. oBITCHuary: I think that’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. How sad is that? McMonster: Not sad at all. McMonster: To me it sounds like a happy beginning.
F'n SWOOOOOON
“Social anxiety level?” He tilted his chin down. “Minus thirty.” “That’s my girl.” That’s my girl. That’s my girl. That’s my girl. But his girl currently had a huge problem on her hands. Because this didn’t feel temporary. It felt like forever.
oBITCHuary: Good night. McMonster: Turn around and tell me this. You are right here, silly. oBITCHuary: I still want to say good night here. McMonster: Why? oBITCHuary: Because I’m not ready to let McMonster go. McMonster: I’m still me. oBITCHuary: Yeah. But when we say goodbye, Row will leave. But McMonster? He might stay.
This should have been titled Shot Through the Heart
“Please forgive me.” She cleared her throat, her big blue gaze clinging to my face. “Already did, silly.” My eyes raked along her body to make sure she was all right. “No, not only for what I did.” She shook her head. “But for what I might do in the future. I have the tendency to reject happiness whenever it finds me. A self-defense mechanism, I suppose. I don’t trust myself with a good thing, Row. And you? You are the best thing out there.”
Cal immediately rose to her feet. I caught her hand in mine and tugged her to sit on the edge of my bed. “You stay.” Our stares locked, and she swallowed hard. The chatter around us stopped. “You forgot a question mark and a six-letter word.” She arched a devastatingly sassy brow. “Stay, hot-ass?” She gave me a chiding look. I groaned. “Stay, please?” She nodded, squeezing my hand in hers. “Until you’re sick and tired of me.”
“Wait.” Cal leaned into my face, biting down on a grin. “Are you sure you want me to stay?” Forever. “Never been more positive.” “Negativity is the ongoing theme in his life,” Rhyland chipped in. Dylan grunted. “Can I ask…why?” Cal’s big eyes blinked imploringly. “Because you’re…” I was trying to think of the right word. Familiar? Comforting? Easy to talk to? “Home.”
HOME
He reached to press his finger to my lips. “Don’t tell anyone. Everyone thinks I’m an ass.” “I don’t think you’re an ass,” I pointed out. “That’s because I tap yours,” he responded wryly.
“I’m too eccentric.” “You’re just the right amount of chaos for me.”
“Am I your girl?” “No.” He shook his head. “You’re my everything.”
“Let me make something very clear here—I love cooking. I love traveling. I love money.” I took a breath. “But I love you more than all of those things combined. That won’t change tomorrow, next month, or next year. You’ve given me in eight weeks what I haven’t had in twenty-seven years. You’ve given me smiles, laughs, warmth, and hope. But I have to protect my own heart too, and right now, spending time with you is killing me. If, one day, be it near or far, you change your mind, you know where to find me. Until then, it’s all or nothing. And I’ll take nothing over something.”
