At three a.m., I trudged into the kitchen to look for a cucumber I know we had—a cucumber that looked to be about the same size as Theo’s dick—but Finn had eaten it. Who eats a whole fucking cucumber in one day? Finn, that’s who. But it’s probably a good thing he did; I was going to do awful things to it. The grocery man would see the guilt on my face and know when I went to buy veggies next time. They’d ban me from the produce department, fearful of what I might do to a head of lettuce.
