Carnage & Grace: Confessions of an Adulterous Heart

by Tullian Tchividjian

Years earlier, I had reconnected with an old girlfriend from high school. We were in touch for a particular reason that had nothing to do with rekindling an old flame. She asked for my help and advice on a project she was working on. It was all business. Even though she had been my “first love,” there was nothing about our communication initially that even seemed wrong or dangerous. We lived in different parts of the country. We were both married with kids and committed to our families. We said nothing inappropriate to each other. From every angle, it appeared harmless, innocent even. After all, it had been over twenty years since we were close. But as the conversations continued, feelings eventually started to flow that made me realize something was missing in my marriage, a kind of conversation and emotional connection that I wanted in a marriage that didn’t seem to be happening in mine at the time. Looking back, I think my marriage had stronger connections than I realized, and I take full responsibility for not seeing them. Perhaps I chose not to see them. After all, I could have asked for a closer connection, worked for it too, but suddenly here it was, ready-made in an old girlfriend, and we could simply pick up where we left off. Delusional? Absolutely. Did it feel real? Yes, it did.