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He’s not my type. My type is kinky and insatiable. I’m looking for Christian Grey—or a whole roomful of Christian Greys on rotation, if you please—and this guy is Gilbert fucking Blythe.
I take back the Gilbert Blythe comparison. This guy could definitely be a spankier version of Captain von Trapp.
She was unhappy with her circumstances, and she was unhappy with the person those circumstances made her, and she took action to change those circumstances.
Nobody gets to tell you what to believe. Nobody gets to own your mind, your heart or your body. You own them. You get to decide.
Because as soon as Zach’s girls saw the logo and identified me as a fellow Swiftie, we were instant besties.
‘Touching you is the only thing he wants to do,’ I say. ‘It’s the only fucking thing on this planet that will stop me from feeling like utter fucking shit. Seriously, Mads.’
‘Jesus Christ, Zach. I’ve been at work for five minutes and I’ve already soaked my thong.’
‘Um, hello? You’re the one who’s sitting there looking all conflicted and tortured and Hot Widower-y and telling me you can’t stop thinking about doing unspeakable things to me! How the hell else is my body supposed to react?’
‘Fuck, I’m a mess. I have no idea what to do—I shouldn’t have dragged you into any of this. I’ll—I’ll stay away and stop acting like a total creep.’
‘I’m not sure two consenting adults being insanely attracted to each other is the biggest problem I’ve ever heard of. Besides, luckily for you, I have a creepy boss kink.’
‘Look. You’re touching me and the sky has not fallen.’
‘Madeleine, touching you would make any man feel better.’
‘Well, you’re worth every penny already,’
‘I would have paid six figures just to get my hands on these,’
‘You’re my first everything since my wife.’
‘I’m not okay, necessarily, in that I’m not sure what to make of all this.’ I look her in the eye. ‘But if you’re asking if I’m enjoying my time with you, and if I’m attracted to you and grateful for what you’ve given me, the answer to all those is an unequivocal yes.’
love being on my knees for you,’ she tells me, her eyes huge. ‘I don’t care if it’s in public or private. I meant what I said—I just want you to use my body. I love it when you stick that beautiful dick in my mouth. Anywhere.’
‘Because nobody else makes me feel as good as you do.’
Good
‘I have a confession to make,’ he murmurs in my ear as our heart rates return to normal.
‘I’d give anything,’ he says, ‘to take you home with me and curl myself around you all night.’
‘There are people in this life who are takers by nature, and that makes them drains, and those are the ones we avoid, hmm? But there are also truly good, wonderful people who have so much to give when they’re in a good place, but who may end up draining us all the same when they’re struggling, without either party being remotely aware of it.’
‘I should tell you, too. It’s important to say these things when we have the chance. That’s something I learnt the hard way. You, Mads, are an incredible human being.’
‘I didn’t think so, either,’ I tell her. ‘And then I started spending time with you.’ Her entire face lights up. ‘I didn’t want to let you go this evening,’ I tell her honestly.
‘I didn’t want to go,’ she says in a small voice. ‘I felt so shit as soon as I turned the key in my lock. My flat’s so dark and empty. But how would it even work?’
‘At your age, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I’ll bring some little blue pills next time I see you.’
‘No Viagra needed here. Not with you looking like that.’
‘I don’t want to be with anyone else. I just want you.’
‘You sure, sweetheart?
Because you need to be sure I’m enough for you. You’re a hell of a lot more adventurous than I am. If you need that lifestyle, then I understand. You shouldn’t make any sacrifices for me that aren’t worth ...
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‘You’re more than enough for me,’ I manage. ‘You’re everything. I don’t want any other men—I don’t even want to think about it, to be honest.’
You are a walking fucking ray of light and I can’t tell you how attractive that is, and I also can’t tell you how badly I need your light.’
‘Really. I have enough fucking weight, and darkness, in my life. I need some fucking levity. I love being around you because you remind me it’s possible to live in a pure and joyous way.’
‘Pure filth, more like. But you know what I mean. I can’t fight my darkness with more darkness, Mads. I’ve tried. It’s a fucking disaster. My only hope of building a meaningful future for me, and for my daughters, is to focus on moving forward, and on choosing the light while honouring what an amazing wife and mother Claire was. And that’s not to say I’m using you just for your light like a beautiful little candle.’ His face grows serious. ‘At first, I might have been trying to find oblivion through you, to be honest. It was so fucking tempting to just lose myself in you. But lately, I feel
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‘I do social media for them,’ I say, my voice steely AF. ‘I’m not a sex worker, and if I was, it would be precisely none of your business. I also have not one but two trust funds, thanks to my parents’ messy marital situation, so get this straight. I’m independently wealthy, and I’m not interested in Zach’s big, fat bank balance.’ I lean in and deliver my parting shot. ‘I’m only interested in his big. Fat. Cock. Got it?’
‘I love you,’
‘I love you,’
‘I love you so much.’
‘Repeat after me, Madeleine. It will last between us.’
I’m all in.’
At some point, my darling, when you’re ready, I’ll send you a new love, she wrote. She’ll be amazing. Nothing like me—obviously—because I’m a one-off. In fact, I’m going to find someone so different from me that she’ll make your head spin. But I have a feeling she’ll still leave unfinished cups of tea everywhere and sing the whole fucking time and drive you up the wall. Because I’m mean like that. You didn’t think I’d leave you in peace, did you? Although she will be seriously stunning—just like me :). Because I’m not that mean. And you’re welcome. Yours forever. In this life and the next.
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Life, and love, are all we can ask for.
