Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

No, we never dated. He’s not an ex-boyfriend. He’s an ex-almost. Maybe that’s all we’d ever be—an incomplete sentence or a book that someone put down halfway through and never picked back up, finished without an ending.

Spoiler alert: sex never makes someone love you.

As far as I was concerned, we were exclusive. We spent every night together, so we had no room to hook up with other people. I knew that wasn’t the issue. It was him.

“That was what I was waiting for. So I’m good enough to hang out with, I’m good enough to fuck, but I’m not good enough to date?”

“You’re putting words in my mouth,” he deflected. “Because you’re not actually saying anything! You’re running me in circles.

Maybe my innermost fears were true. Maybe he wasn’t dating me not because he wasn’t ready, but because he didn’t want it to be me. How could I get him to see that it should be me?

My heart hurt at the thought of him feeling alone and unloved. I wished he could see that all I wanted was to love him, and if he’d let me, I’d never leave.

I didn’t want her here. Not to be a dick, but I’d never leaned on anyone my entire life, so why would I start? She couldn’t fix me so why was she trying?

Moments like these made me realize that I was the one in the relationship who had more feelings, and that was never a good thing.

“Things between us escalated so fast and became something I can’t do. I should have never let it get this far. I think we should stop seeing each other.”

The rain outside mirrored my emotions, a relentless downpour that seemed to have no end.

You can’t love someone into changing—you shouldn’t have to. I knew that. So why didn’t I believe it?

Within seconds I was uncontrollably sobbing. I’d never been hurt like that before. If I knew loving him would have hurt this badly, I would’ve never laid my eyes on him.

At first, no contact seems impossible, like quitting an addiction cold turkey. There’s no slowly weaning yourself off of them. One day you have them, and the next day it’s like they don’t exist.

I didn’t care that I was settling for a fraction of a relationship with him when I knew I deserved so much more. I was willing to settle for whatever he would give me, because a fraction of him was better than nothing at all.

“Come on. Do you hear yourself? A relationship isn’t supposed to be this hard. Sure, every couple has arguments and makes compromises but the lead-up shouldn’t be this long. He should know what he wants, and if he doesn’t, maybe that should be a sign that it’s not you.”

you need to stop losing your mind over someone who doesn’t mind losing you.”

“Right off the bat, I knew there was chemistry between us, and then it started to grow into this confusing but sort of beautiful connection. He’s the first person that I’ve ever been this close to, and I know that’s not saying much, but to me it’s something.”

To me, we were very much in love. The most in love I’ve ever been. But to him? Well, I didn’t really know how he felt. All I knew was what his body language told me and what I felt. I knew he loved me. Deep down, I knew. Even if he hadn’t told me yet. He didn’t have to say it out loud for me to know. That was the best part about us.

“Let’s go home,” Ethan whispered in my ear. Home.

I’m not going anywhere. You’ll go to New York, and I’ll be here, and I’ll visit in a month. How does that sound?” “Good,” I managed to say. “There’s no use in being upset over the unknown. Let’s see how this first month goes.

How do you let go of someone who feels like home?

For the next few minutes, I forgot what it was like to miss him and remembered what it was like to have him.

I wanted him to know how much he meant to me, and I knew how much he loved morning sex, so I did just that.

How could someone I did nothing but love do nothing but hurt me in return? The arteries around my heart tightened, making it harder to breathe. I’d never known a heartbreak like this, one that caused physical pain.

you loved someone, I mean really loved them, would you be willing to just let them go?

For a little while I wondered if I would ever truly love someone, and if I did, would I live in constant fear wondering if they’d just leave one day? Then I met Ethan, and those thoughts didn’t cross my mind once.

That night I realized that losing someone doesn’t necessarily mean losing. Every time someone walks out of your life, someone new eventually walks into it. Losing someone means you’ll eventually gain someone even better.

September first is this week, which means it’ll be the third month without you. Three months without you in my bed, in my inbox, and in my heart as someone who didn’t break

Thank you for giving me a story to tell my future daughter one day when she is going through her first heartbreak. xx, The girl who would’ve loved you through anything.

Now that I remember, I can’t seem to forget. The touches, the kisses, the laughs, the tears, the time, the emotions, the energy. I remember everything. How can you make yourself forget? I want to forget. I want to forget him and every dreaded memory that comes along with him. Can you ever really forget your first love?

He’s your first love, so you’re never going to forget him, not really anyway. A part of you will always love him, but not in the way you used to. In the way that you love an old friend you no longer talk to, in the way you love a restaurant that you can’t return to because it closed—it’s an empty kind of love.

I’ve lain in bed wondering if he’s staring at the same ceiling fan that I am. It’s like looking at the stars knowing the person you’re missing shares the same sky as you, wondering if when they look up, you come to their mind too.

I wrote to you all the time. In my journal, in the notes app, in texts that I would just backspace. It was like therapy.

“I know. The sad part is, as much as I tried, I couldn’t hate you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to hate you.”

“I think that maybe I would always let you come back,” I confess. “Not that I would sit around waiting for you, but if you told me that you were ready and wanted me back, I’m not sure there’s anything that I wouldn’t drop for you.”

Loving him is hard, but leaving would be harder. Why can’t it just be easy?

“Some love stories aren’t epic novels. Some are short stories, but that doesn’t make them any less filled with love,”

Happy Thanksgiving, turkey. Can’t wait to get home and gobble you up 

What’s the point of not being in a relationship if everyone just assumes we are anyway?

You’re losing him. You’re losing him again, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

You can’t beg someone to love you, as much as I wish you can, you can’t. You shouldn’t have to convince someone that you’re good enough or you’re worth it. That’s something I’m still learning.

Why did I have to fall in love with someone that couldn’t love me back?

In the beginning, I was convinced he was my “right person, wrong time.” Now, I’m starting to think that may just be a phrase people use when they love someone so deeply and know that person doesn’t, and never can, love them back the same way.

It’s not until I see a post that I want to send to Sloane that I remember everything that unfolded last night. I miss her more than I thought I would. I know because I feel a little more empty than usual.

I really thought if I let Sloane love me, eventually I’d get there too. Instead, this is where we are. Three breakups, two years, and one really broken heart.

“One day he’s going to wake up and realize that he lost the best thing he ever had. He lost the only person who would’ve loved him through anything. I hope he hurts. I hope he regrets it. But even more importantly, I hope he learns. I hope he learns that love isn’t always easy.

What if I never get over him? What if I go to bed and wake up every day for the rest of my life wanting him? What if I keep waiting for a call or a text or a sign that never comes?

First loves are funny like that. They’re the ones that introduce you to everything and teach you how to love, in the same way that they teach you how to hurt and how to heal. No matter how hurt you are though, you’ll never hate them, and depending on who you ask, in ways you’ll still love them. I’d like to think that I taught him the meaning of unconditional love, while he taught me how to love myself.

Countless nights I’ve tossed and turned, wondering if the end of us affected him as much as it did me.