Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

I think the worst part was realizing that somewhere deep down, I knew it the entire time. I knew he wouldn’t be able to get where I wanted him to. I just hoped that I was wrong. No, we never dated. He’s not an ex-boyfriend. He’s an ex-almost. Maybe that’s all we’d ever be—an incomplete sentence or a book that someone put down halfway through and never picked back up, finished without an ending.

I was willing to do it whenever and wherever because I thought it would make him love me. I was desperate not to be alone. Spoiler alert: sex never makes someone love you.

Life got so much better when I stopped looking for love in every guy I met.

I was falling for Ethan Brady, and I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to stop myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this alive.

That moment was my undoing. Ethan Brady had me and he knew it. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was holding my bare heart in his hands. I was so afraid of what he might do to it, but I also couldn’t wait to find out.

My heart hurt at the thought of him feeling alone and unloved. I wished he could see that all I wanted was to love him, and if he’d let me, I’d never leave.

You can’t love someone into changing—you shouldn’t have to. I knew that. So why didn’t I believe it?

If I knew loving him would have hurt this badly, I would’ve never laid my eyes on him.

I didn’t care that I was settling for a fraction of a relationship with him when I knew I deserved so much more. I was willing to settle for whatever he would give me, because a fraction of him was better than nothing at all.

All I’m trying to say is that you need to stop losing your mind over someone who doesn’t mind losing you.”

Even then, when I closed my eyes, all I saw was him. Isn’t it funny how that happens? One day you don’t know someone exists, and the next you can’t imagine life without them.

That night I realized that losing someone doesn’t necessarily mean losing. Every time someone walks out of your life, someone new eventually walks into it. Losing someone means you’ll eventually gain someone even better.

Sometimes loving him feels like I’m lingering in the doorway of his bedroom, waiting for him to let me in. Will he ever let me in?

“Some love stories aren’t epic novels. Some are short stories, but that doesn’t make them any less filled with love,”

You can’t beg someone to love you, as much as I wish you can, you can’t. You shouldn’t have to convince someone that you’re good enough or you’re worth it. That’s something I’m still learning.

Love shouldn’t hurt. Love shouldn’t make you sick.

“One day he’s going to wake up and realize that he lost the best thing he ever had. He lost the only person who would’ve loved him through anything. I hope he hurts. I hope he regrets it. But even more importantly, I hope he learns. I hope he learns that love isn’t always easy. Love is compromise. It’s understanding and accepting. Someone else is going to give you all of that and more one day, and I can’t wait to see who he is.”