Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

I never would have thought I could have hated him, and yet I couldn’t even look at him. I never wanted to see him again, but at the same time, I didn’t want him to leave.

My heart hurt at the thought of him feeling alone and unloved. I wished he could see that all I wanted was to love him, and if he’d let me, I’d never leave.

There were so many things I still wanted to say. We could have worked out, I knew we could. If he just put in a little more effort and I gave him a little more space. I could be the one if he just let me. I couldn’t change his mind though. You can’t love someone into changing—you shouldn’t have to. I knew that. So why didn’t I believe it?

Now that I remember, I can’t seem to forget. The touches, the kisses, the laughs, the tears, the time, the emotions, the energy. I remember everything. How can you make yourself forget? I want to forget. I want to forget him and every dreaded memory that comes along with him.

But what about the fights? The screaming, the crying, the nights he stormed out of the room and retreated to his own bed. Never documented, hardly discussed. It’s like they never existed. It’s easy to remember the good moments when they’re all we want to see.

It’s not the thought of being alone that scares me, it’s the thought of losing him. Loving him is hard, but leaving would be harder. Why can’t it just be easy?

“One day he’s going to wake up and realize that he lost the best thing he ever had. He lost the only person who would’ve loved him through anything. I hope he hurts. I hope he regrets it. But even more importantly, I hope he learns. I hope he learns that love isn’t always easy. Love is compromise. It’s understanding and accepting. Someone else is going to give you all of that and more one day, and I can’t wait to see who he is.”

Unconditional love is someone breaking down the cage of your ribs to get your heart and you trusting they’ll protect it just the same.