Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

Before him, I was afraid I’d never meet the right person. I wanted so badly to believe what people said about soulmates—that one day I’d meet someone who everything fell into place with, and I’d realize why it never worked out with anyone else. I’d like to think that someone for me was Ethan.

You can’t beg someone to love you, as much as I wish you can, you can’t. You shouldn’t have to convince someone that you’re good enough or you’re worth it. That’s something I’m still learning.

“One day he’s going to wake up and realize that he lost the best thing he ever had. He lost the only person who would’ve loved him through anything. I hope he hurts. I hope he regrets it. But even more importantly, I hope he learns. I hope he learns that love isn’t always easy. Love is compromise. It’s understanding and accepting. Someone else is going to give you all of that and more one day, and I can’t wait to see who he is.”

First loves are funny like that. They’re the ones that introduce you to everything and teach you how to love, in the same way that they teach you how to hurt and how to heal. No matter how hurt you are though, you’ll never hate them, and depending on who you ask, in ways you’ll still love them.

Losing Ethan made me realize that I wasn’t mourning the memories of him. I mourned the idea of him that I created. I mourned the future I built in my head using our best moments. I mourned the potential I saw in him, and the life that I saw for us.

remember when I thought I couldn’t live without him. I remember when I thought I’d never meet anyone like him when, really, he was just another person who was coming and going from my life.

He’s someone who taught me things that I could never teach myself. He taught me how to fall in love. He taught me how to be vulnerable, with myself and others. He taught me that I’m too sure of myself to be crying over someone who isn’t ready for me. He taught me how to love myself the way he never could.

This isn’t one of those beautiful love stories where they get back together in the end. This is one of those stories where the hurt and the confusion consumes them. It’s one of those stories where the person who is in pain gets up, brushes themselves off, and realizes their worth.