Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

It was as though he’d taken a knife and repeatedly plunged it into my chest. Each time I looked at him, the wound was reopened, the pain as fresh and raw as the first time. It was like death by a thousand cuts.

wondered where the guy I met in college went—the guy in the worn-out Yankees T-shirt with a soft smile and trusting eyes.

I never would have thought I could have hated him, and yet I couldn’t even look at him. I never wanted to see him again, but at the same time, I didn’t want him to leave. Ever. I’d loved him for over two years. How could he have ended two years with four words?

The words were on replay in my head as if they’re a new Taylor Swift album that I was trying to memorize every chorus of. I think the worst part was realizing that s...

No, we never dated. He’s not an ex-boyfriend. He’s an ex-almost. Maybe that’s all we’d ever be—an incomplete sentence or a book that someone put down halfway through and never picked back up, finished without an ending.

Tall, dark, and handsome hardly did him justice. His wavy dark-brown hair framed a chiseled face with a strong jawline. His deep brown eyes held a certain charm that was impossible to ignore. He had an effortlessly cool and confident aura that made my heart race.

As he squeezed into the seat, his leg rested on mine, and my entire body lit up. How was it that I felt so attracted to someone whose name I didn’t know?

She loves love and knows how hard it is for me to find it.

Spoiler alert: sex never makes someone love you.

Life got so much better when I stopped looking for love in every guy I met.

Even though I had known Ethan for less than twenty-four hours, something about him made me feel safe. It was a calming sensation I hadn’t felt around a guy before.

Was this a good idea? Having a crush on my neighbor? It’s not like he was someone I could dodge like my usual one-night stands. There was no escaping Ethan Brady.

That’s not what this first kiss with Ethan felt like. Kissing him felt familiar, like our lips were puzzle pieces that fit together just right. He didn’t make me nervous in the way Carter used to. He made me feel comfortable. He made me feel at home.

“Are you sure? You don’t have to leave with me.” “I know I don’t have to. I want to.”

When I have a lot of overwhelming feelings that I don’t know how to process, I write them down.

“I forgot there was some nudity.” “Nudity. So formal.”

“What makes me different?” Curiosity piqued my interest. “I trust you.” He

I was falling for Ethan Brady, and I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to stop myself. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt this alive.

“How long are you going to stare before you join me?” I asked. “Long enough so that I’ll never forget this sight.”

So I’m good enough to hang out with, I’m good enough to fuck, but I’m not good enough to date?”

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was holding my bare heart in his hands. I was so afraid of what he might do to it, but I also couldn’t wait to find out.

You can’t love someone into changing—you shouldn’t have to. I knew that. So why didn’t I believe it?

I didn’t care that I was settling for a fraction of a relationship with him when I knew I deserved so much more. I was willing to settle for whatever he would give me, because a fraction of him was better than nothing at all.

“Come on. Do you hear yourself? A relationship isn’t supposed to be this hard. Sure, every couple has arguments and makes compromises but the lead-up shouldn’t be this long. He should know what he wants, and if he doesn’t, maybe that should be a sign that it’s not you.”

need to stop losing your mind over someone who doesn’t mind losing you.”

That night I realized that losing someone doesn’t necessarily mean losing. Every time someone walks out of your life, someone new eventually walks into it. Losing someone means you’ll eventually gain someone even better.

Loving him is hard, but leaving would be harder. Why can’t it just be easy?

You can’t beg someone to love you, as much as I wish you can, you can’t. You shouldn’t have to convince someone that you’re good enough or you’re worth it. That’s something I’m still learning.

Love shouldn’t hurt. Love shouldn’t make you sick. I know that you’re not ready, and nothing I can say or do will ever change that. The only person that can change that is you. I would’ve done anything for you—”

“One day he’s going to wake up and realize that he lost the best thing he ever had. He lost the only person who would’ve loved him through anything. I hope he hurts. I hope he regrets it. But even more importantly, I hope he learns. I hope he learns that love isn’t always easy. Love is compromise. It’s understanding and accepting. Someone else is going to give you all of that and more one day, and I can’t wait to see who he is.”

First loves are funny like that. They’re the ones that introduce you to everything and teach you how to love, in the same way that they teach you how to hurt and how to heal. No matter how hurt you are though, you’ll never hate them, and depending on who you ask, in ways you’ll still love them.

Call it what you want, but for me it was love.