Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

I didn’t care that I was settling for a fraction of a relationship with him when I knew I deserved so much more. I was willing to settle for whatever he would give me, because a fraction of him was better than nothing at all.

“Come on. Do you hear yourself? A relationship isn’t supposed to be this hard. Sure, every couple has arguments and makes compromises but the lead-up shouldn’t be this long. He should know what he wants, and if he doesn’t, maybe that should be a sign that it’s not you.”

you need to stop losing your mind over someone who doesn’t mind losing you.”

but the more I thought about it, what I had with him wasn’t love. It was an attachment. He was just a distraction when I needed it the most.

I didn’t expect to fall in love. Honestly, some days I thought I never would. But then he came along, and I couldn’t (and didn’t want to) imagine a life without him in it.

If. I hated hearing that word, but I knew she was right. If we stayed together. The odds were slim, but I was taking my chances.

Then, he kissed me. I felt on top of the world.

To me, we were very much in love. The most in love I’ve ever been. But to him? Well, I didn’t really know how he felt. All I knew was what his body language told me and what I felt. I knew he loved me. Deep down, I knew. Even if he hadn’t told me yet. He didn’t have to say it out loud for me to know. That was the best part about us.

I knew it was more than just sex to him. You don’t make love to someone that you don’t love, and what we were doing, that was making love. You couldn’t convince me otherwise.

I was putting the words I was too afraid to say out loud down on paper, in hopes of understanding them myself. When there was no one to turn to, there was always a pen and a notebook beside me. Words had become my sanctuary. My journal would never leave me. Writing would always be there, or so I thought.

I wanted today to last a lifetime,

“I’m nervous,” I admitted. Butterflies filled my stomach—it felt just like the first time we met.

God, I missed kissing him. His lips were home, and I didn’t realize just how homesick I’d been until I got to kiss them again.

How do you let go of someone who feels like home?

I loved that his presence did that to me.

It turned me on more than anything to know that I was getting him off.

I let him because I didn’t want to miss another minute with him.

Showering with someone else was one of my least favorite experiences, but I’d never let him know that. I’d do almost anything to please him. I wanted to make him realize that I was more than enough.

Thank you so much.” He grabbed my face and kissed it all over. I loved making him happy.

To avoid the subject further, I got on top of him and started kissing him. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me, and I knew how much he loved morning sex, so I did just that.

Neither of us were talking because we didn’t know what to say. I hated goodbyes,

I braced myself as I glimpsed the length of his response, the longest I’d ever seen from him, and felt a sudden pit forming in my stomach.

I want what’s best for you, and I’m not it. I have problems that you don’t want to get involved in, and as much as it kills me, I know I have to let you go. You deserve so much more than me.

How could someone I did nothing but love do nothing but hurt me in return?

you’re not stupid. Love just blinds people. You were blind and hopeful, never stupid.”

“Some people just aren’t ready, no matter how much time you give them. Nothing will change until they decide they’re ready,”

“But I love him.” I started crying again. “I’ve never loved anyone like this before.”

we’re so young. Your person is out there, and they’re going to be your person for the rest of your life. You won’t have to worry about this one-foot-in, one-foot-out situation with them. You don’t want som...

Isn’t it funny how that happens? One day you don’t know someone exists, and the next you can’t imagine life without them.

Sloane was different. I couldn’t explain it, but I had this instant connection with her that I hadn’t experienced with anyone else before. She was funny, smart, and cared about everyone around her. Not to mention she was also hot. I enjoyed spending time with her, so much so that I allowed her to get closer than I’d ever let anyone before.

You might be thinking that this was a good thing—opening up, being vulnerable, letting someone in—and sure, maybe to some people it was, but not to me.

No one talks about the morning after a breakup enough. Swollen eyes. Waking up—if you were lucky enough to sleep—wondering if it was just a nightmare. Realizing that it wasn’t. The pain in your heart reappearing. No Good morning text. No I’m sorry I fucked up voicemail. Nothing. That was your new reality. A cold bed, an empty stomach, and an ache in your chest that you fear will never go away.

Ethan’s got issues, like…with letting people in. To be honest, I’m kinda shocked you got past his walls as much as you did.

Brady’s a good guy; he just has a lot of baggage, which is why I wanted to tell you this. It’s not that he can’t be with you; it’s that he can’t be with anyone. He doesn’t know how to.

If you loved someone, I mean really loved them, would you be willing to just let them go?

For a little while I wondered if I would ever truly love someone, and if I did, would I live in constant fear wondering if they’d just leave one day?

He let me go without thinking twice, and I think that was what hurt the most—thinking I meant something to him, just for him to show me that I didn’t.

I spent the entire subway ride home writing articles piece by piece in the notes app on my phone. I swore, if anyone ever had access to these, I’d have personally dug my own grave and buried myself in there. Midnight thoughts, drunk rants, things I’d never have told anyone.

I started to realize how common almost relationships were. So many people had that one person they loved but never truly dated, but hardly anyone ever talked about it.

Ethan and I were meant to be but weren’t meant to last. It hurt to think of us that way, but it was true.

That night I realized that losing someone doesn’t necessarily mean losing. Every time someone walks out of your life, someone new eventually walks into it. Losing someone means you’ll eventually gain someone even better.

The constant wondering: Am I not enough for him? Why am I not good enough? Why doesn’t he love me the way I love him? Will he ever love me?

We weren’t made for each other, no matter how much I tried to convince myself we were.

I deserved so much more than you were ever willing to give me. So why did I used to think that I wasn’t deserving of any of it? I thought I wasn’t worthy of love, and I feel so sorry for the version of myself that believed otherwise. I deserved a title. I deserved a label. I deserved honesty. I deserved clarity. I know that now.

I didn’t want this to be a lesson; I wanted...

I hope that you finally realize you deserve to be loved in a way you never were before, in a way that you couldn’t return to me.

xx, The girl who would’ve loved you through anything.

I love that he listens to me, like really listens, and puts thought and effort into every interaction—no matter how big or small.

They don’t feel real sometimes. I’ve waited my whole life for a guy like you,”

Now that I remember, I can’t seem to forget. The touches, the kisses, the laughs, the tears, the time, the emotions, the energy. I remember everything. How can you make yourself forget? I want to forget. I want to forget him and every dreaded memory that comes along with him. Can you ever really forget your first love?