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July 7 - August 2, 2022
“I’ve been waiting for you a long time, Alina,” he said. “You and I are going to change the world.”
The thought filled me with grief, grief for the dreams we’d shared, for the love I’d felt, for the hopeful girl I would never be again. That grief flooded through me, dissolving a knot that I hadn’t even known was there. I closed my eyes, feeling tears slide down my cheeks, and I reached out to the thing within me that I’d kept hidden for so long. I’m sorry, I whispered to it. I’m sorry I left you so long in the dark. I’m sorry, but I’m ready now.
Just … be careful.” I stared at her, baffled. “Of what?” “Of powerful men.”
This was his soul made flesh, the truth of him laid bare in the blazing sun, shorn of mystery and shadow. This was the truth behind the handsome face and the miraculous powers, the truth that was the dead and empty space between the stars, a wasteland peopled by frightened monsters.
“Trust me.” “Every time you say ‘trust me,’ I trust you a little less,” I hissed.
The less you say, the more weight your words will carry.
Don’t argue. Never deign to deny. Meet insults with laughter.
Weakness is a guise. Wear it when they need to know you’re human, but never when you feel it.
Being a leader means someone is always watching you.
Get them to follow the little orders, and they’ll follow the big ones.
“You know the problem with heroes and saints, Nikolai?” I asked as I closed the book’s cover and headed for the door. “They always end up dead.”
“I have loved you all my life, Mal,” I whispered through my tears. “There is no end to our story.”
“Are you ever going to name that thing?” Zoya asked. “She has a name.” “Oncat is not a name. It’s just Kaelish for cat.” “Suits her, doesn’t it?”
The real meaning is more like ‘do what needs to be done—be cruel if you have to.’” “What’s the other part?” “Ni weh sesh? ‘I have no heart.’”
“Na razrusha’ya. E’ya razrushost.” I am not ruined. I am ruination.
What’s the matter with that boy?” “He’s had a hard time of it,” I said, leading them away from the tank room. “Who hasn’t?”
“Suffering is cheap as clay and twice as common. What matters is what each man makes of it.
Maybe love was superstition, a prayer we said to keep the truth of loneliness at bay. I tilted my head back. The stars looked like they were close together, when really they were millions of miles apart. In the end, maybe love just meant longing for something impossibly bright and forever out of reach.
I just know there’s no way to live without pain—no matter how long or short your life is. People let you down. You get hurt and do damage in return.
But Ana Kuya used to tell me that hope was tricky like water. Somehow it always found a way in.
“Loss is loss,” Mal said. “You have the right to grieve.”
You will always be one of us.
They had an ordinary life, full of ordinary things—if love can ever be called that.
