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Ever since I was a kid, my brain’s been like a hamster on a wheel, focusing on the same issues over and over again. With anxiety come panic attack symptoms. They hit me, with my knees nearly buckling, my chest feeling tight, and my fingers shaking to the point of uselessness.
Fuck Connor’s mum for gossiping about mine. You’d think with London being a huge city, the rich would stay in their own mansions far away from one another. But nope, Connor’s mum happens to attend a weekly smutty novel club with mine.
The way her eyes light up as she laughs worries me because I’m tempted to make her do it again.
“After qualifying fifth today, do you regret your choice?” He shakes his head. “Not at all.” I tap my fingers against my bouncing knee. “Why not?” “Because I got to spend time with Sophie after, and she planned this date—” I throw another pillow at his face. “I prefer chugging champagne on podiums than listening to you swoon over your girlfriend.” “Spoken like someone who is one drink away from his first AA meeting.”
He shrugs. “You’re a red flag. A big, walking, talking red flag.” I smile at him. “And I’m going to wave it loud and proud.”
She leans in close, hitting me with the scent of strawberry shampoo. “This situation can go two ways. Either we can treat each other with respect, or you can act like a dick to me. But if you choose the second option, be aware that I don’t take shit lying down. There’s more than one way to torture someone.” Her eyes move from my face to my crotch, eyeing my erection.
Jax catches up to me easily. He grabs my elbow softly, turning me toward him. “I can’t speak for other men, but I don’t think I’m better than you. Quite the opposite, actually. You’re too”—he bites down on his lip as he scans my body once more before lingering on my face—“good for someone like me.”
“I don’t know about that. I’ve seen Santi’s right hook.” Noah walks up to his friends. “And don’t you forget it. One wrong move toward Maya and you’re done.” Santi throws a couple of punches in the air.
The group laughs as Santiago drags Noah into the octagon, claiming he needs to remind him what happens if he breaks his sister’s heart.
“Who is this Elena girl you’ve mentioned a couple times?” my dad grumbles into the phone. “He talked to her last week when you went to the bathroom. I think Jax likes her.” My mum attempts to whisper, except the phone’s microphone picks up everything. “Should we run a background check on her?” My dad’s voice drops low. I picture my dad rubbing his eyebrow as he thinks about contacting a private investigator. Might as well nip this concern in the bud before they get carried away. “I hope you both know I can hear you. Let’s not overreact. I don’t have a crush, and I wouldn’t exactly appreciate
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My clammy fingers grip my phone. “Dad, please control your wife. She’s delirious.” Dad’s laugh sounds like thunder rumbling. “Why would I want to control what makes her special? That’s like asking the sun to stop shining.”
Jax’s mind is nothing like the thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle in front of me. He’s one I’ll have the hardest time putting together, wondering if it’s worth even trying.
The stunning photo of hot-air balloons mocks me, all happy colors and a bright day. My chest burns at the sight of the breathtaking festival. I envy the kind of freedom hot-air balloons have. They’re not bogged down by responsibilities and extra baggage like me.
“So tell me something no one knows about you.” Who the fuck opens up with a question like that? Me, a motherfucking idiot, that’s who. She chokes on her drink in the most unladylike display I’ve seen of her. “What?” “Let’s play a game.” “Pick a different game. I don’t like this one.” She crosses her arms. My eyes drop straight to her cleavage because I lack self-control. Hello, brain. Meet the gutter you’re permanently moving into.
Instead of waiting for her to answer, I keep the conversation going. Solely out of kindness. Not because I’m interested in getting to know her more. Bullshit. Fuck me sideways with a ten-inch dildo please because I’m actually enjoying Elena’s company.
A rush of laughter escapes her. I don’t think before I speak. “I like it when you laugh like that.” She eyes me like I admitted I have a secret collection of sex toys. “What?” “Nothing,” I blurt out.
“No, asshole. Drunken words, sober thoughts,” Sophie corrects him. “Oh, got it. Does that mean it’s okay for me to tell Elena I think she’s pretty?” Sophie throws her head back against the headrest and laughs. “Sure, go right ahead. Finally, the night is getting interesting. Why don’t you tell us how you truly feel?” “Don’t encourage him,” Liam grumbles. “Elena is so pretty it hurts to look at her.”
As I drift out of consciousness, I realize I didn’t take a Xanax to calm down before the long flight. I can’t tell if it was the relaxing activity of the puzzle or being around Elena.
I want to change. Not because McCoy wants me to or because everyone keeps judging me. I want to change because someone who has every reason to walk away refuses to leave my side. And this is how I come to the realization that I need to save myself.
I feel lost and confused as I stare at the different products, all advertising shit about heavy flows and anti-pesticide products. Bloody hell. Who the fuck wants to worry about toxic chemicals shoved inside of them?
Unfortunately, people like me don’t get a big happy ending. But you deserve it all. The dancing in the rain finale with some lovesick twat who can give you the best of him for the rest of your long lives.”
Because someone has to help you fix your terrible sleep cycle. No more bullshit about sleeping with all the lights on. All self-respecting adults use cool F1 night-lights nowadays. P.S. If some paparazzi posts a photo of me buying this crap and says I’m afraid of the dark, I might lose my shit. P.P.S. It was totally worth the risk to my manhood.
“While fate’s fucking me over, I might as well fuck you.”
“Thank you for being brave and sharing a part of your life with me. When I heard about everything you were doing for Jax, I expected you to be strong, but you’re so much more. Thank you for being everything my son needs. For someone who lost so much at a young age, you truly have lots to give to the world.”
My hands have a mind of their own, pressing against his cheeks and forcing him to look at me. “You can always talk to me. I’m here to help you.” “What happens when you have to go away at the end of the season?” “What happens if I want to stay?”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover,” Elena rasps. “With the kind of porn books you read, I definitely do.”
I shoot him a small smile. “What’s your secret to staying upbeat?” “Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, so I might as well make today my bitch.”
“‘No rain, no flowers.’ Interesting choice for someone your age.” “It’s my mom’s favorite quote.” “And the location?” I tap a vein. “I thought it would be nice to have something strong to look at during my next round of chemo.”
Yiruma’s “River Flows in You,”
I run my fingers across the keys before starting the song over again. Her eyes expand. “You know how to play this one?” I nod. “It’s a classic.” Elena adjusts her body enough to get a view of me playing. I take a moment to gaze over her tear-stricken face. Her sadness makes me scowl. When a few tears fall down her cheeks, I turn back toward the keys, offering her privacy. The melody wraps around us as I play the song for her again. When I get to the second chorus, I amp it up, adding more notes. My fingers dance across the keys as Elena watches me. I only ever perform in front of Mum, but
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“I wonder what noises you’ll make when I fuck you with my tongue. Are you a moaner? Screamer? Or the silent type who has yet to experience an earth-shattering orgasm?”
She crosses her arms, poorly concealing her hardening nipples. What a shame.
“Fuck the usual. I don’t want to be picture-perfect with you. I want to be a fucking mosaic, made up of broken pieces so damn colorful, you can’t help finding them beautiful.”
Plus, no one can compare to this girl. She’s hands down the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.” Jax laughs, hitting me with the best version of himself—carefree and all sorts of handsome. “Hmm. You better be careful because looks only go so far.” “I wasn’t talking about her exterior.”
“You know I will always play devil’s advocate. While I’m impressed by the progress you’ve made, I worry what would happen if you don’t receive the news you want to hear. Especially if you find out bad news before the season is over. What then?” My eyes slide from Tom’s eyes to my hands. “Then I do what I do best.” “And what’s that?” “Self-destruct.”
I allow the rage to consume me as I mourn the life I wanted. I’m sober for every damn second of my downfall, wanting to remember the pain. I deserve it, knowing exactly how much it will hurt Elena when she wakes up to realize I betrayed her in the worst way.
“I get that I’m too fucked up to handle someone as equally fucked up. Everything happening right now in my life proves how I can’t be that kind of hero for you. And I don’t need to date someone plagued with nightmares and bad memories or who ruins my mom’s birthday because they can’t even handle watching a movie meant for teenagers. I might be a mess, but you’re the same. You only hide it better. Go home and fix yourself. Heal. Find someone who is better for you than me.” His voice cracks.
“No, she won’t. I made sure she wouldn’t want to be with me ever again, let alone speak to me. I used every secret and vulnerable moment she’s ever shared with me against her.” “Why?” Mum can’t help the sadness in her voice. “Because I’m not her knight in shining armor. I’m the grim fucking reaper, stealing away her goddamn future.”
“I prefer my donations to remain anonymous. Showing off is so passé.” “Are you behind my new job and bonus check too?” She shakes her head in disagreement. “I can only assume that was because of another Kingston. I may be fabulous, but even my power has its limits.”
Zack said, ‘The sun might seem as if it stops shining from time to time because of a cloud or a rainstorm or the nighttime, but it’s still there. It endures everything to nurture the lives that depend on it. You’re my sun. I don’t care if you’re hidden because of a storm or the end of the fucking world. I can’t live without you, and I can’t imagine a world where my son would want to either.’”
“I love my son with everything in me, so I came here to ask you to forgive him. He wasn’t in a good place when he said those things to you, and he only said them to make you hate him. I can’t sit back and watch him become a shell of someone I barely recognize because he denied himself his chance at love. He deserves the sun, no matter how much he hides from it and lives in the shadows. Be that for him. Get him out. Have it in your heart to fight for him even when he believes wholeheartedly he doesn’t deserve it. Love isn’t easy, and I’m not here to tell you that your love story will be like
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“You kept all the notes?” She traces the glass of one snow globe as if she can touch her lavender piece of paper secured inside it. “I couldn’t let you throw them away. I haven’t cashed in on all of them yet.”
Her eyes slide from the snow globe to my face. “I didn’t write that note.” A soft laugh escapes me. “Obviously not.” My messy Will you marry me? sticks out, unlike her elegant cursive.
All I want to do is make you mine, forever and always. No take backs.” The same three words are inscribed on the inside of the ring because I’m a sappier motherfucker than my two friends. What can I say? She has a way of bringing that out in me.
Hope is for men with their futures ahead of them. Hope is for those who wish under stars or in a church or in a desperate moment of need. And most of all, hope is for people like me.
While he was fighting his future, I was battling my past. But together, we don’t need to fight alone.
