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He probably had, like, a six-pack under his suit, and I didn’t even have a two-pack. I was pretty sure I’d actually been born without abdominal muscles or something.
“I want you to sit on my face and dip your balls into my mouth.” Good lord. Marcus had never said anything like that to me. In fact, he’d never even expressed any kind of interest in me doing that.
“Some are just different species. Not, like, magical beings or anything. Like Corey. He’s an orc, but he doesn’t have any special powers or anything. Well, except being gigantic and ridiculously strong.” “And coming, like, a gallon when he nuts,” Larkin added. “Apparently. So I’ve heard about orcs. Haven’t had the pleasure yet.”
“He was originally going to be taking on Frank and Beans tonight, but I changed it up because you were coming. Frank and Beans are a double act, and they’re… honestly, I have no fucking idea what they are.” “They look like if you split a face down the middle and gave each half arms and legs,” Larkin piped up, seemingly unaware of what Holt was currently doing to my genitals. “Freaky as fuck, dude. But that’s not even the weirdest part. Their signature move is that they take their dicks out, and they’re, like, mad long, and there are these things at the end—”
“Oh.” I blinked. “But why did he spell it out?” I heard Larkin snort behind us. “Taylor, you’re like, so old, man.” “No he’s not,” Holt snapped, glaring back at him. I chuckled. “I mean, I probably act older than I am. I’m definitely not down with the kids or anything.” “Down with the kids,” Larkin muttered with a snicker. “You’re, like, kind of cool in that totally not-cool dorky way, you know? Like your sneakers. They’re so tragic it’s almost an ironic statement.”
“Aww.” Larkin nudged my shoulder. “You’re like two single dads finding a second chance at love in your twilight years. It’s adorbs, honestly.”
“Weighing in at four hundred and fifty pounds. You’re never going to see a nip slip with this green giant, folks, but his best assets are always on display. He has the tusks. He has the tassels. He brings that furious temper to the ring every time… It’s… the Tasselled Tussleeeer!”
“Let’s go.” He pulled me toward the door. “Oh my lord, isn’t that precious?” Corey murmured to Larkin, nodding at our linked hands. “Dude, the sexual tension in here has been thique all night.” Larkin rolled his eyes. “I’ve had a boner by proxy pretty much the whole time.”
Maybe she was friends with Ethel the Cackling Lizard Granny. Maybe there was a big network of Lizard Grannies who got together on Friday nights to party. Maybe they were the Mafia. I could just picture Cackling Lizard Granny in her pink floral dress, leaning back behind a big mahogany desk and steepling her big lizard claws together as she stared down a meekly cowering gargoyle or incubus, calmly threatening them for asking for a favour from the Lizard Granny Mafia on the day of her lizard daughter’s lizard wedding or something.
My dicksucking muscles were the strongest fucking muscles in my whole body. I could probably lift a car with them or something.
“There are… non-human furries?” “No.” Holt tipped his head up to give me a wicked grin. “There are human furries, and then there are the folk who look like furries.”
“I love moussaka.” I grinned at him shyly. “I’ll make it for you sometime.” “Oh my god, yes, please. And I’ll eat it off your stomach.” I froze in stunned silence, then burst out laughing. “That might be messy.” “Yeah, so messy.” He gave me a wicked grin. “I’ll smear meat sauce all over you then lick it up.” Holt was so weird. I loved it.
“It’s your job to know, Larkin, so we can resolve it and they can perform tonight like they’re supposed to.” “Uh, nuh-uh. I’m just the assistant, bro. It’s your job to know, but you’re too busy girding your loins with hot dadbod Taylor.” “Um, that’s not actually what girding your loins means—” I piped up hesitantly, but Larkin spoke over me.
Holt had sent me a pink heart emoji. My chest ached sweetly as I stared down at it, but before I could respond, he’d sent something else. An eggplant. I snorted, then watched as a tongue emoji appeared, then a peach, then a smiling face with sunglasses. Then five more eggplants, followed by another single pink heart. I laughed, wanting to cradle my phone to my chest like a total loser. Fuck, I already had it bad for Holt.
Larkin just shrugged, back to sucking up the last bit of his energy drink very, very loudly. He really wasn’t a great assistant, but I liked him. I could see why Holt kept him around. Firing him would be like punishing a loveable but extremely hyperactive puppy.
“Oh Lucifer, he looks so… corruptible,” he purred as he reached me.
“What the hell is wrong with all of you?” Holt snapped. “You’re acting like you’ve never seen a human before.” “We haven’t ever seen one down here, in our domain.” Vince gave me a wide, toothy smile. “It’s hot. He looks so… out of place.” “Like a shy little nymph surrounded by a sea of slavering beasts,” Blood Suckapunch added, red eyes flashing.
I absorbed that piece of information in mildly horny shock. The banshee’s boyfriend was a porn star? Monster porn was a thing? How did I find it online? Would Holt want to watch it with me?
I hesitantly waved back as Holt leaned in and murmured, “That’s Night Light. They’re a mothperson.” Oh my god, an actual mothperson.
“Turn the lights back off!” Beans called after us. “Last time you did karate in the dark, you ran into each other and got concussions,” Holt called back flatly. “Just leave the fucking lights on.”
“This chest hair,” he murmured throatily, fingering the pathetic, scraggly patch of hair on the centre of my chest. “God, it’s so hot. I want to rub my balls against it.” I snuffled a little laugh. I was pretty sure Holt just wanted to rub his balls against everything.
“I think my nuts disappeared back up inside me from coming so hard. What if they don’t come back down?” I snorted, walking back around to kneel in front of him, smoothing my hands up his thighs. “Bet you’re hoping the left one will drop back down first to even them up a bit.” “I know you’re joking, but I genuinely hope so.”
“What’s their signature move?” I asked, even though I wasn’t all that sure I wanted to know. “Ooh, I’ll tell you. Don’t interrupt me this time, dude.” Larkin glared at Holt, then sat forward eagerly. “Okay, so, they have these redonkulously long dicks that come out of them, right? Like, seriously, I’m pretty sure they don’t have organs, they just have these dicks coiled up inside them until they unleash ’em. And their dicks have these weird tentacle things at the end, and what they do is, they line ’em up so the tentacles latch onto each other, so they’ve basically made, like, a limbo stick,
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“Well yeah, because no one knows what the fuck they are.” Larkin cocked his head and squinted in thought. “Maybe… some kind of goblin? Like a dick goblin? That’s just made of a giant dick?” “You mean like what’s inside your skull?” Holt drawled. “Because there’s no brain in there. Just a big quivering dick where your brain should be.”
“Taylor, Holt’s just as bad as I am.” “I am not,” Holt blurted defensively, glaring at him. “You so are, dude. One of the first tasks you gave me as your assistant was to rank the wrestlers by most to least likely to bone.” “You are such a liar.” Holt threw an egg roll at Larkin’s head. It smacked him in the cheek, making him squawk, before he bent down to grab it off the floor and stuffed it into his mouth. “You asked for it in a proper spreadsheet and everything,” he said around it. “He’s lying,” Holt told me. I didn’t believe him. “You emailed me back saying, ‘Good work. Keep it up,’”
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“If I find you two role-playing horny boss and assistant in here one day, that’ll create a hella uncomfortable work environment for me. Just saying.”
“You been playing Moth Simulator? I’m up to forty fucking moths to one lightbulb. I am killing it, dude. Did you know when you reach fifty, it unlocks a giant moth that you can try and fly to the moon?”
“I think they’re a little too into it, though.” Larkin pushed the door open. “Walked past their dressing room yesterday and heard them in there saying, ‘That’s right, baby, fly toward that lightbulb. Fuuuuck, you’re a dirty little bogong moth, aren’t you?’ I mean, I guess they could’ve been talking about an actual moth in the room, but still. Kinda hot in a weird way, I guess?” “Um—”
Lizard Granny Mafia. I was convinced that was a thing now, despite seeing no evidence. Yet.
“It’s a dope line-up, dude,” Larkin said enthusiastically. “He really pulled out all the stops to impress you. You must have a magic dick, bro. Or bussy.” I choked on a breath. “Larkin, that’s… like, really inappropriate.”
“I’d be proud as fuck if someone said I had a magic bussy. Or whatever the fae version is. A fussy? Fabussy? Hi, Seb.”
“They wouldn’t let Holt decide how much to pay—” “Probably a couple million, right? I think I’m worth at least a mil. I’m a ray of sunshine, dude. I brighten up this place like no one else.”
“Enjoy your evening. Just don’t get too drunk, for fuck’s sake. Your mom will kill me if we have to deliver you home barely coherent again.” “That was one time, and it was on my birthday, and it was Val’s fault. She is literally impossible to keep up with.” “So maybe don’t try and keep up with the two hundred and fifty pound Valkyrie who was practically raised on mead. Just be sensible, okay? For once?”
“So Sharon from Accounts is the sicko with the lemon cake preference. Stay away from her.”
Licking my lips, I nervously asked, “Is there a… monster Mafia?” He glanced over at me with a wry smile. “You mean like the one you thought I was the head of when we met?” I grinned and gave his side a gentle squeeze. “Yeah, but now I know you’re not.” “I was kind of flattered, actually. Do I come across as intimidating?” He tossed back his long, silky hair.
“I mean… once you started talking about your testicles, you were a little less intimidating.” “You love my testicles, Taylor,” he purred, leaning over to nuzzle my cheek.
“Drinks?” Holt cocked his head and made a face. “You mean like themed energy drinks? I think Larkin would become unbearable if he had a ready supply of energy drinks in the office.”
“They should sell weed in all pharmacies!” Larkin was clearly fighting for the mic as more scuffling sounds echoed through the arena. “Free eye tests for all cyclops! Don’t listen to the fat cats when they tell you not to make deals with the fae! Fight the power!” “What power, dude?” the commentator snapped irritably.
Roller derby goblins. With every new thing I learned about this secret world, I grew more convinced that the Lizard Granny Mafia was plausible.
He pulled back, licking his lips and looking a little dazed as he glanced down at it. When he opened his messages, there were several waiting from Larkin. EWWWWW A line of tongue emojis followed it, then: GROSS BRO Y’ALL HAVE NO SHAME WE CAN SEE YOU Dan says Taylor should stick his fingers in your mouth
Unsurprisingly, Corey still won the match. I wondered if it was written into his contract that he always won. The audience didn’t seem to care that he was undefeated. No one wanted to see those nipple tassels stop spinning in triumph.
“Asmo,” I echoed nervously, gaze darting to her T-shirt. “Is that your boyfriend?” “Yeah.” She smiled sweetly at me. “He’s an incubus adult film star. Maybe you’ve seen some of his work? There’s Assmo Deez-Nuts, which really launched his career. Or um… his new one is Incu-bating with the Bros.”
“I’m just passionate, darlin’.” “Call me darling again and I’ll steal your head and give it to Frank and Beans.” Several of the wrestlers gasped. Gabe looked scandalised, pressing a hand to his cross-covered chest. “That ain’t even funny,” Dan snapped, protectively snatching up his head and cradling it to his chest. “That’s sick, Val. You know what happened last time I fell asleep in here and they ran off with my head.” “They did karate on it,” Holt murmured to me quietly. “And cut his hair. He woke up with a bob, a black eye and a big dick drawn on his forehead. Val,” he added in a louder
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I hadn’t really known what to expect of Holt’s living situation. A modern penthouse? A mansion? A Gothic castle looming on a cliff?
“Huh?” “Lick up your cum and feed it to me.” He grinned at me again, then closed his eyes with a sated sigh. “I want it.” “Oh.” I laughed unsteadily. “Um, okay.”
“My muscles are all stiff right now! They’re not warmed up. I’m not limber yet.” “That threw your back out? Not being folded in half last night?” He started to laugh, then groaned with a wince. “Fuck, don’t make me laugh. Ow, fuck.” He dramatically covered his eyes with one hand and waved the other in my direction. “Don’t look at me like this.”
“Want me to make us breakfast after the bath? Assuming you have eggs and bacon here.” “Of course I have eggs and bacon. I’m not a heathen.”
I got to see their signature move, the Double Docker Shocker, where they tugged their briefs down and comedically long dicks slid out from orifices between their legs. I had to agree with Larkin—I didn’t see how there could possibly be organs inside them as well as those monsters. They were basically walking condoms with arms and legs.
I was sorely tempted, but the idea of being alone in Holt’s house was a little weird, even though he clearly didn’t mind. What if, like, the Lizard Granny Mafia turned up expecting their protection payment for the month? What if houses inhabited by supernatural beings were infested by little gremlins that came out at night and licked everything or cobbled shoes? I didn’t really want Holt to come home and find me cowering in a corner defending myself with a broom.
“You eat ass just as good as you suck dick, Mr. Hough,” he murmured against my lips. “And ride dick. And stroke dick. Look, my dick is just fully on board with whatever you’re willing to give it.”
