More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Then it hit me, and I had a mini existential crisis at my desk. This is it. This is my life. I spent ten minutes picking out my tie this morning. I ironed my underpants even though no one ever sees them but me. I’m going to die here.
I’d typed out the word ‘synergy’ so many times in the last twelve years that it appeared in my dreams. I still didn’t even really know what it meant, and at this point I was too afraid to ask.
Marcus had moulded me into the partner he’d thought he wanted, then he’d fucked off to drink kombucha and do naked Bikram yoga and go to awesome orgies with someone else.
Now I was picturing a nice, hard dick covered in ice cream, and I was getting a sad boner.
lmfaaaaoooooo
I accepted a slice of cake on a paper plate from Sharon with a smile and a somewhat enthusiastic, “Thanks,” even though it was lemon cake, which was the cake choice of evil villain overlords hellbent on sowing chaos and destruction, in my opinion.
AGREEEEEEEED fuck your "refreshing and zesty" lemon bitch!
The boss of a secret wrestling association operating out of the basement of my work building had dressed up in a costume and hired an exotic dancer to give him a sexy “sad office worker” striptease in his office. I couldn’t decide which part was the weirdest.
“Mmm. No, you’re not, are you?” He gave me a coy smirk, and I quickly realised with horror that he thought this was part of my ‘act.’ “You’re just a sad little office drone who thought he might claw back some excitement in his life by stripping for strangers after work, aren’t you? God, that’s hot.”
He was hard? He had a boner from listening to me list all the details of my miserable life? What kind of sadist was he? And why the fuck was it kind of hot?
And I did really want to see a big, oiled-up beefcake bounce his pecs to make his nipple tassels spin.
Weirdly, I was already wishing it was just me and Holt. Even though Holt was the man who knew every embarrassing fact about me. But that kind of made it… easy. I had no fucks left to give. He already knew the worst bits, so it wasn’t like I could embarrass myself further.
“…and what should you never do?” “CROSS HIM!” they all screamed, pumping their fists. The group of winged women I’d noticed earlier held up signs that said things like, WE LOVE YOU CROSSBODY, and YOU CAN CROSS MY BODY ANY DAY, and STEP ON ME, HIGH LORD HOTTIE!!!
There was another group of people in the audience holding up signs and waving them frantically. SHOW US THOSE BIG FAT FANGS, one said. Another declared, SUCKAPUNCH THEM IN THE FACE, BLOOD DADDY.
I flushed. Was I seriously such a loser that he’d thought I’d get “overwhelmed” by an energetic wrestling match? Like I’d get the vapours and pass out?
lmaoooooo
“You’re…” My voice was faint. “You…” Holt audibly swallowed. “Taylor…” My gaze shot back to him, still wide and dazed. “You’re…” “I can explain,” Holt rasped, his voice throaty with nerves. “Just don’t—” My eyes rolled back in my head. Oh no. It was happening. I was getting the vapours.
lily mayne is such a goddamn genius.
And that old lady is a giant freaking lizard.” “Oh, you mean Ethel?” Larkin piped up. “She’s dope. An actual party animal. Like, for real. No one can keep up with her.”
I’m cool!” Holt twisted around to scowl at him. “I manage a wrestling league, for fuck’s sake. And I… own a leather jacket. That I look really good in.” “That jacket says Born to Be a Bitch in pink on the back.” Larkin paused. “Okay, yeah, the jacket’s cool.”
The Tasselled Tussler is twirling his best assets and The Optometrist is getting dizzy!” the commentator crowed into the mic. “He can’t keep his eye on both! He doesn’t know where to look!” The Optometrist was making a big show of blinking his one enormous eye with a dazed expression, shaking his head sharply as he scrambled to get up from the mat.
LMFAONLKFDFDKJGLKFDJG i'm dying!!!!!
Was the suave, darkly handsome dude who smiled at me in the frozen section an incubus who wanted to steal my life force by siphoning my jizz? Why was that thought kind of hot?
“Oh my god,” Holt sobbed, breaths sawing in and out of him. “You’re sucking it so good. Oh my god, Taylor. Wh-what the fuck…” I wanted to preen. Yeah, that was right—unassuming Taylor Hough with his ironed underpants and dad jeans and unfashionable sneakers was still a pro at sucking dick. My dicksucking muscles were the strongest fucking muscles in my whole body. I could probably lift a car with them or something.
“Can we watch depressing British soaps and make out on the couch?” God, that sounded perfect.
“But now that you’ve seen my lopsided nuts and you still asked me to stay, I’m pretty confident you wanna hang out with me again.”
Arms going around him, I palmed his backside and squeezed. God, it was so firm and pert. I wondered whether it was copper like his legs and balls, or grey like the rest of him. I was leaning toward copper. Holt possessed the energy of a man with a gilded ass. He already had the gilded ballsack.
“What’s their signature move?” I asked, even though I wasn’t all that sure I wanted to know. “Ooh, I’ll tell you. Don’t interrupt me this time, dude.” Larkin glared at Holt, then sat forward eagerly. “Okay, so, they have these redonkulously long dicks that come out of them, right? Like, seriously, I’m pretty sure they don’t have organs, they just have these dicks coiled up inside them until they unleash ’em. And their dicks have these weird tentacle things at the end, and what they do is, they line ’em up so the tentacles latch onto each other, so they’ve basically made, like, a limbo stick,
...more
“It’s called the Double Docker Shocker,”
It’s a dope line-up, dude,” Larkin said enthusiastically. “He really pulled out all the stops to impress you. You must have a magic dick, bro. Or bussy.”
“I just wanna say fuck The Man, legalise all forms of sex work, big-box corporations are destroying the planet!” “Okay, man, that’s enough—” “They should sell weed in all pharmacies!” Larkin was clearly fighting for the mic as more scuffling sounds echoed through the arena. “Free eye tests for all cyclops! Don’t listen to the fat cats when they tell you not to make deals with the fae! Fight the power!”
Asmo,” I echoed nervously, gaze darting to her T-shirt. “Is that your boyfriend?” “Yeah.” She smiled sweetly at me. “He’s an incubus adult film star. Maybe you’ve seen some of his work? There’s Assmo Deez-Nuts, which really launched his career. Or um… his new one is Incu-bating with the Bros.”
“Well, I mean, it was only because you could feel what I was feeling.” He eyed me in disbelief. “Um, no, it was because you folded me in half like a pretzel and fingered my ass while riding my dick.
“Slow is good.” He spread his knees open wide as he sighed in pleasure, a tiny smile curving the corner of his mouth. “Take your time, babe.”
They were basically walking condoms with arms and legs.
The tentacle things at the ends of their dicks were a little horrifying. They waved around before latching on to each other when the pair lined their monstrous lengths up, creating one long dick pole.
My dick just really, really likes you. And my asshole.” His throat bobbed. “And the rest of me. All of me. All of me just… really, really likes you, Taylor.”
Holt had just called me his boyfriend. In an instant, I reverted back to a nervous teenager, my palm sweating against his, my heart thudding, my gut churning with breathless excitement.
“Yes,” he grumbled, trying to stick the left one back on. It was like watching someone attempt to secure to a postage stamp to a very squishy parcel filled with liquid. And wrapped in chicken skin.
want you to work for Goliaths. As our marketing manager. I want you here with me.” He was still blushing, fiddling with a button. “You have amazing ideas, and you’re… you… you’re too good for HotSex Corporation, babe. I’ll beat whatever salary they’re paying you. I don’t care. Demand anything you want. I’ll pay it.”
“I’ve been getting an office ready for you,” he continued anxiously. “My neon guy is making a sign for it, which, yeah, maybe I should’ve waited until you’d actually accepted, but—”
I jumped when I spotted Kit curled up, fast asleep, on top of my refrigerator, their tarsal claws twitching like the paws of a dreaming dog and their big moth wings tightly folded around them.
Although actually, that’s pretty hot. I understand it might be too difficult, but if you’re able to take a selfie of you licking it… Then another. No pressure, babe. Just if the opportunity arises.
