More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
tears are the overflow of a brimming heart.
athazagoraphobia—the fear of forgetting someone or being forgotten. They call it a social phobia. I call it an orphan’s fear.
he’s six-foot-six and lanky with a head full of thick curls. He has a vertical labret piercing, big round eyes, and a boyish smile.
So he's sexy... Got it
“Thanks.” I smile. It grows too wide, so I reel it in. I overdo it, and now I’m frowning, so I smile again, but it’s even wider than before. Okay, then.
cute
What about the pie question?” “Oh, 100% pumpkin. My mom’s pie used to slap. Though peach or apple trumps pumpkin for me,” I reply.
Take that back right now! Is your mom a white woman? I knew you were lightskin but are you biracial?
He holds his chest like it’s wounded. “Nah, bruh! It’s sweet potato all the way.” He turns to the camera. “Viewers at home, take to social media and cast your vote. Let’s solve this once and for all.”
At least he has some fucking decorum
We’re all haunted in some way—whether by the secrets we protect, the truths we deny, or the inexplicable ugliness life throws our way.”
“Thanks for inviting me,” I reply as we release each other. Slow-release hugs could easily become our thing.
Tea
I start to remove my shoes. “I didn’t even have to ask you,” he says, tracking my movement. “I grew up with the same rule.
Love
“What did you get Katrina?” “Uh,” he squints, thinking about it. “My assistant sent over a handbag or necklace.” “Did your assistant pick out my gift too?” He shakes his head. “Why?” I shrug. “Thank you for the gift. I love it.”
Bitch you aint slick
people go to therapy for different reasons. You don’t need to hit some kind of secret trauma threshold before it’s okay to go.
Period
“Tell me about Ishan,” I ask after I order a curry shrimp roti, and Adam orders jerk chicken and yams with rice and peas.
Yall west indian?
I can’t lose him. “Tyler, breathe!” I’d have no one if I lost him. My chest is pounding. I won’t be alone because I won’t stay. I made a promise ages ago. Fire takes him, water takes me. God knows. It’ll be easy. The beach near my house is always empty before sunrise. I mean it. There’d be nothing left for me here.
Damn
one thing you taste.” “Ginger beer,” I reply, raising my glass for a sip.
Oh he a lil bit of me
God, I’ve missed Caribbean food. I bite into my roti and moan. This has to be God’s food.
Period
“Care to share what you’re thinking right now?” he asks. If his sexy smirk is anything to go by, I’m sure he knows. He has to know. “Wish I could, but it’s the kinda thing that’s better shown.” He nods. “Will you show it to me?” There’s the mischief. “I want to. Whether it’ll happen or not…” “It’ll happen,” he says. I chuckle and look away. His big dick energy is next level.
No fr
his engorged cock springs free. It’s even more impressive up close. Fuck! Thank goodness I’ve been training for my first time with plugs, a dildo, and a shit ton of lube.
You said "i know what i want and i will be prepared"
I catch my breath as he reaches over my shoulder to pump body wash into his hands. His large hands are smooth as he rubs the soap over my chest in circles,
No wash rag?
I step forward and grab an extra washcloth for him.
Thank god
My skin feels dry. I pump lotion into my hand, but he swipes it up and massages it into my skin.
Real intimacy that is
“I’m bi. I’ve learned through therapy that sexuality isn’t always as simple as falling into one label or category. I’m bi, for sure. But there’s usually an emotional bond coupled with my attraction to men. It’s like I’m bi and demisexual. I know people expect you to fit in one label, but I think sexuality can be way more complex than that.”
Purrr
I clasp a hand over my strangled sternum and turn away from him, trying to stave off the alarm I’m choking. “W-what’s happening?” I bend forward, gasping for air. My palms clam up as sweat trickles down my back. “Breathe, baby! Can you speak?” His voice trembles as he bolts to kneel in front of me. I wheeze as I shake my head.
Big yikes
the way you eye fucked the shit out of me on Christmas...it was feral.”
Lmaoooo
“Then what is it? I already feel corny for having an attack in front of you.” “Corny…”
Yeah corny is crazy....
“Another nightmare?” I look away. “Yeah.” “Baby, we’ve got to get you to thera–” I huff out a breath. “Can we not fight about this today?
Damn you black men and your adversion to therapy
My jaw drops. “Deadass?”
Oh yeah, you from brooklyn alright
Sleep is the only thing that’ll make the next few days bearable. I wish they understood how exhausting it is to be awake.
I get it babe
“You know the shitty thing about depression? When you realize you’re in it, you’re already waist deep.”
Aint that the truth
I didn’t want to bog you down with my shit and—” “I knew you would say that. That’s not how we work. When you hurt, we hurt, I hurt!” I wince. It’s too much pressure. I’m constantly failing everyone. For Christ’s sake, I’m just one man. Sometimes I just want to disappear. That way, I can’t hurt anyone. I can just fall apart.
This is so real
He’s been rejecting my advances because he thinks it’s distracting me from processing my grief. That’s utter bullshit. Making love to him reaches a part of me that I can’t access on my own. It’s the most precious and frightening thing how much I need what we give to each other. It’s always felt transcendent. It’s not about getting off or escaping. It’s how I feel connected to him. And some days when I’m lost, adrift, being anchored to him is the only thing that makes it all bearable. I need him to understand.
I get it
“Mm. I’ll be right down.” As I grab clean clothes, a low grunt seeps from the other side of the bathroom door. My chest deflates, and my head hangs heavy as I head to a guest bathroom. He’d rather come alone than with me.
This would hurt so bad
I roll my eyes as Arnaz chest-bumps Sid, and they exchange a special handshake that I’ve only seen the two of them use.
Lol
He and Arnaz smack their foreheads together again, and I gag.
Im lving for this hater energy lol
Arnaz passes the ball to Sid without looking and then quickly cuts it to the basket, where Sid launches it back to him to complete a layup. They point to each other and grin. Barf!
L.O.L.
I charge from behind and smack the ball out of his hand to complete a breakaway dunk. I grin as he barks, “For fuck’s sake!” Aha, fucking losers!
Screaming
“Fuck…this relationship is me, you, and the ghost of your parents.”
Fuuuuuck
Why are you acting brand new?”
lol
“I love you so much,” I say, our foreheads touching. I wipe his tear-stained face. “I love you more,” he says, wiping mine. He even wipes my snot like it’s not super gross.
No sex for a month is cold. I’ve been there.
Yeah...
“We’ve never fucked as fiancés,” I whisper. “I’ve never fucked you.” “Fine. We’ve never made love as fiancés.” “Mmm.”
Alright
The truth is, I can’t control the day or when my loved ones fall ill or depart this life. I can’t predict when grief’s bitter hand will shatter my world again. I don’t know when my final breath will expel from my lungs. There’s one thing I am certain of—I love deeply. At times, it’s felt like a curse and the root of my pain. Yet, it’s the one thing that’s been unfailing through everything.
“Yo! Chill. Some of y’all are talking recklessly. Watch that ignorant shit around me. I think it takes balls to do what Arnaz and Sid are doing…And for the record, I’m gay! Not that it’s any of y’all business.” Everyone went silent as expected. I stared into their faces, silently asking, “We got a problem?”
Purrr
“But on a more personal note, I’d like to know if Arnaz is single ’cause I’d really like the opportunity to shoot my shot.”
OOP!
Are you coming out as gay right now?” He shouts his question to be heard over the fray. I plaster on my best shocked face. “I have to be gay to like him? Shoot!” I frown. “Nobody told me I had to be gay to like a guy.” Sloane’s jaw drops. “Can I just be gay for Arnaz?” I ask, looking into the camera.
Oh you're funny
“Yes, I’m gay. I have been since day one, and I’ve had it bad for Arnaz for a while now. Y’all got any advice for me?”
Oh you doubling down huh
Stop pussyfooting around and go after Arnaz. I ain’t raise no punk.”
Lmao
