The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

by Ross W. Greene

Challenging behavior occurs when the demands being placed upon a child outstrip the skills he has to respond adaptively to those demands.

the imposition of solutions usually doesn’t go over so well, since many behaviorally challenging kids evince a pattern I call reflexive negativity: a child’s tendency to immediately say “No!” whenever someone proposes a new idea or solution.

Because it can get in the way of rational thought, anxiety can have the same effect as irritability.

Inflexibility + Inflexibility = Meltdown

We all want our own way; some of us have the skills to get our own way adaptively, and some of us don’t.

You want to be in crisis prevention mode, not crisis management mode.

Plan B consists of three steps: the Empathy step, the Define the Problem step, and the Invitation step.

The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand his concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem.

The Invitation step is when you and your child discuss and agree on a solution that is realistic (that is, you and your child can actually do what you’re agreeing to do) and mutually satisfactory (it addresses the concerns that your child voiced in the Empathy step and that you articulated in the Define the Problem step).

The primary goal of drilling is to clarify, whereas grilling tends to be an act of intimidation.

Asking the child what he’s thinking in the midst of the unsolved problem. Notice that’s thinking, not feeling.

If kids are completely dependent on imposition of adult will to do the right thing, then what will they do when adults aren’t around to impose their will?

In the Invitation step, kids practice reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously, considering a range of solutions to a problem, considering the likely outcomes or consequences of those solutions, and shifting from an original idea or solution.

A high percentage of the solutions to problems encountered by human beings fall into one of three general categories: (1) ask for help, (2) meet halfway or give a little, and (3) do it a different way.

in some instances, the behavior of seemingly angelic siblings can begin to deteriorate just as the behavior of their behaviorally challenging brother or sister begins to improve. This is often a sign that the emotional needs of the siblings, which had been below the radar while the family dealt with the pressing

Most behaviorally challenging kids don’t need special education. Their developmental delay is in skill areas (flexibility, frustration tolerance, problem solving) that can usually be addressed in general education.