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June 19 - June 30, 2020
Behaviorally challenging kids are challenging because they’re lacking the skills to not be challenging
Challenging kids are lacking the skills of flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving, skills most of us take for granted. How can we tell that these kids are lacking those skills? One reason is that the research tells us it’s so. But the more important reason is this: because your child isn’t challenging every second of every waking hour. He’s challenging sometimes, particularly in situations where flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving are required.
Challenging behavior occurs when the demands being placed upon a child outstrip the skills he has to respond adaptively to those demands.
kids do well if they can.
your child is already very motivated to do well and that his challenging episodes reflect a developmental delay in the skills of flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving. The reason reward and punishment strategies haven’t helped is because they won’t teach your child the skills he’s lacking or solve the problems that are contributing to challenging episodes.
Unfortunately, the imposition of solutions usually doesn’t go over so well, since many behaviorally challenging kids evince a pattern I call reflexive negativity: a child’s tendency to immediately say “No!” whenever someone proposes a new idea or solution.
Unfortunately, for some children, “gray” thinking doesn’t develop readily. These kids sometimes end up with diagnoses on the autism spectrum. But regardless of diagnosis they’re best thought of as black-and-white thinkers living in a gray world. They have significant difficulty approaching the world in a flexible, adaptable way and become extremely frustrated when events don’t proceed in the manner they had anticipated. More specifically, these children have a strong preference for predictability and routines, and struggle when events are unpredictable, uncertain, or ambiguous.
PARENT: Courtney, how come you got so upset when we couldn’t go to the park because of the rain? COURTNEY: I don’t know. That’s actually a pretty informative response, though it may not seem like it. In a perfect world, the child would respond by saying something like this: “See, guys, I have a little problem. Actually, it’s turning into a big problem. I’m not very good at being flexible, handling frustration, and solving problems. And you—and lots of other people—expect me to handle changes in plans, being told what to do, and things not going the way I thought they would as well as other
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Difficulty handling transitions, shifting from one mind-set or task to another
Difficulty persisting on challenging or tedious tasks
Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem
Difficulty expressing concerns, needs, or thoughts in words
Difficulty managing emotional response to frustration so as to think rationally
Inflexible, inaccurate interpretations/cognitive distortions or biases (e.g., “Everyone’s out to get me,” “Nobody likes me,” “You always blame me,” “It’s not fair,” “I’m stupid”)
Difficulty starting conversations, entering groups,
Difficulty appreciating how his/her behavior is affecting other people
He just wants his own way. We all want our own way; some of us have the skills to get our own way adaptively, and some of us don’t. This cliché doesn’t help us understand why a kid is going about getting his own way in such a maladaptive fashion. Adaptively getting one’s own way requires a lot of skills often found lacking in behaviorally challenging kids.
Most behaviorally challenging kids are reliably set off by the same five or six (or ten or twelve) problems every day or every week.
A common belief about behaviorally challenging kids is that they have learned that their challenging behavior is an effective means of getting their way and coercing adults into giving in, and that their parents are passive, permissive, inconsistent disciplinarians. If this view hasn’t led to improvements in your child’s behavior, you may want to try on some different lenses: your child is lacking skills rather than motivation.
Plan B consists of three steps: the Empathy step, the Define the Problem step, and the Invitation step. The names of the steps aren’t anywhere nearly as important as their ingredients. 1. The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand his concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem. 2. The Define the Problem step involves communicating your concern or perspective about the same problem. 3. The Invitation step is when you and your child discuss and agree on a solution that is realistic (that is, you and your child can actually do what you’re agreeing
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The Empathy step begins with an introduction to the unsolved problem. The introduction usually begins with the words “I’ve noticed that . . .” and ends with the words “What’s up?” In between you insert the unsolved problem. The introduction is much easier if you stick with the guidelines for writing unsolved problems delineated in Chapter 4. Here are some examples: “I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to go to school lately. What’s up?” “I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to brush your teeth at night. What’s up?” “I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to complete
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Here are the drilling strategies, followed by examples: STRATEGY #1: Reflective listening is the art of simply saying back to the child whatever he just said to you, and is often accompanied by clarifying statements, like “How so?” or “I don’t quite understand” or “I’m confused” or “Can you say more about that?” or “What do you mean?” This is the most commonly used drilling strategy. If you’re drilling and you get stuck and aren’t sure what to say, reflective listening and clarifying statements are always a safe bet. STRATEGY #2: Asking questions beginning with the words who, what, where, or
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DIFFICULTY COMPLETING MATH HOMEWORK: My concern is that you’re missing out on a lot of important practice—and getting lower grades—by not doing your homework. Plus, if you don’t do the math homework, we won’t know which parts of math are hard for you. (1)
There are two criteria for gauging whether a solution is going to get the job done, and these criteria should be considered and discussed by you and your child before signing on the dotted line: the solution must be realistic (meaning both parties can actually do what they’re agreeing to do) and mutually satisfactory (meaning the solution truly and logically addresses the concerns of both parties). If a solution isn’t realistic and mutually satisfactory, the problem isn’t solved yet and the Problem-Solving Partners have more work to do.
the Empathy step of Emergency Plan B wouldn’t begin with an Introduction (as in Proactive Plan B) because it’s already too late. So you’d head straight into reflective listening. Here are a few examples of what that might sound like: KID: I’m not taking my meds. ADULT: You’re not taking your meds. What’s up? KID: I’m not going to school today. ADULT: You’re not going to school today. What’s up? KID: This homework sucks! ADULT: You’re getting frustrated about your homework. What’s up?
Now, a caveat: Proactive Plan B is generally far preferable to Emergency Plan B, but there are some kids who have difficulty with Proactive Plan B because they have trouble remembering the specifics of the problems you’re trying to discuss. For these kids, the problem is only memorable and salient when they’re in the midst of it. Early on, Emergency Plan B may actually be preferable for these kids. I’ve found that many of these kids are able to participate in proactive discussions once Plan B becomes more familiar to them.
With Proactive Plan B, the Empathy step begins with an introduction (“I’ve noticed that…”) to one of your high-priority unsolved problems, followed by an inquiry (What’s up?”). The first thing your child says (if he says anything) isn’t likely to provide sufficient information, so you’ll want to probe (drill) for more information. Keep drilling until you feel you have a clear understanding of your kid’s concern about or perspective on the problem. • The Define the Problem step usually begins with the words “My concern is . . .” or “The thing is . . .” You may want to give some thought to your
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HE MAY HAVE SOME THINGS TO SAY THAT HE KNOWS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR, AND HE THINKS IF HE SAYS THOSE THINGS, IT’LL CAUSE A FIGHT. Your goal in the Empathy step is to suspend your emotional response to what your child is saying, knowing that if you react emotionally to what you’re hearing you won’t end up hearing anything. Remember, you badly want to know your child’s concerns. If you don’t know what his concerns are, those concerns won’t get addressed and the problem will remain unsolved.
QUESTION: I understand how Plan B helps me solve problems with my child. But how can I teach him the skills he’s lacking? ANSWER: Great question. The reality is that there aren’t great strategies for directly teaching many of the lagging skills on the Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems. There is, however, a great strategy for teaching those skills indirectly: Plan B. When you collaboratively and proactively solve the problems that are associated with those lagging skills you are indirectly teaching those skills.
