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The first step is to pause. In the pause, you have an opportunity to check in with yourself.
The second step is to open to what is here, actually here, rather than what you imagined or hoped would be here.
The third step is to listen deeply and redirect your attention when you notice the quality of your attention waning.
The fourth step is to speak the truth with the intention to do no harm.
people often notice that speaking without the need to get it out quickly before someone interrupts allows them to go deeper and deeper into what they are saying and discover more about the significance of what they are noticing.
1. Pause 2. Open to what is here 3. Listen deeply 4. Speak the truth
Mindful communication and mindful leadership require that we trust the feelings that invite us to inquire more deeply about the situations we find ourselves in, rather than just completing tasks and checking off boxes.
When you’re speaking with someone who’s not really paying attention, you can feel the distractedness, and you don’t feel the connection that is so apparent when someone is really listening to what you have to
say. When someone is multitasking, participating in a meeting with one eye on a clock or laptop or smartphone, for example, it is not only less productive because the communication will likely need repeating at some point, it is disrespectful.
The depth of connection I have with others, at home and at work, is directly affected by my capacity to pay attention, and then to speak, or listen, from the mind and heart.
PURPOSEFUL PAUSE: MINDFUL MEETING
become aware of the movements of your body as it bends at the waist, touches the chair,
Remember the four steps of mindful communication: pause, open to what is here, listen deeply, and, when it is your turn, speak truthfully (always with the intention to do no harm).
Afterward, take a moment to reflect on how you experienced the meeting. What did you notice—about you, about the others in the room, about the efficiency or inefficiency of the meeting?
Finally, did the culture of the meeting value honesty?
Bashir, a middle-aged financial analyst, shared with us that during his practice he was surprised to notice that he was “exhausted”—not just tired from a busy life, but exhausted “down to the cellular level.” Before the retreat, he didn’t think he was even tired. Bashir sat quietly for a couple of minutes before adding, “This feeling is deep in my body, and it’s not about missing sleep.” As he got closer to what he had been noticing, he further described the feeling as a “weightiness” in his chest and a “tightness” in his throat. His surprise at these discoveries turned into an open curiosity
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political landscape had intensified recently with the hiring of a new officer. Bashir began to question his choices to take on more and more responsibilities solely out of what he began to see was his fear that he would not continue to have his leadership position if he did not say yes to everything. He understood how the work he had loved had now become the weight that made it hard to get out of bed in the morning. If he hadn’t stopped and allowed his body’s messages to be heard, and then brought an open curiosity to what they meant, Bashir might have just pushed through. He might have
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What are my leadership principles? What principles are at the core of who I am and how I want to lead? What principles am I passionate about? What principles form the rudder that I can turn to when the complexities of life serve up a rocky sea?
Desire to pass along experiences
When good people make ethical or legal mistakes, or violate a company’s internal procedures, it isn’t because they aren’t smart or well trained, it is because they didn’t listen to their own wisdom.
Your principles help you to find the strength to make the tough choices,
to take the risks often inherent in innovation or to open your heart to the suffering of others.
In the process, our thoughts carry us away from being present for what is in our life right now.
MEDITATION WITH THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS
You are not trying to push away the emotions. You are cultivating your ability to see and feel them more clearly so you can begin to understand yourself better or to choose a response to an emotion as it arises, rather than respond with a conditioned reaction.
For example, you might begin a session by practicing with your breath for a few minutes and then, when the mind feels stable and concentrated, switch the object of attention to thoughts or emotions for the remainder of your practice.
We watch as we get booked, double-booked, and even triple-booked, then shrug our shoulders and accept it: “That’s just the way it is.” But does it need to be that way?
“Your failure to plan does not create an emergency for me. Please make an appointment.”
We pride ourselves on being always available, able to pitch in at a moment’s notice. That’s a great attitude, but in our quest to provide exceptional service, are we sabotaging our ability to attend to the real priorities of the organization while also enabling others to consistently make their lack of planning our emergency?
We need to find a way to meet the day effectively, not let it “get away” from us, as Carey noticed.
Or perhaps we believe that if we just keep running, eventually we’ll catch up and have time for everything. How’s that working?
CALENDAR REFLECTION
I say yes to meetings simply because I am still too mired in the details when I need to spend more time on the strategic plans.
The most important things are never on my calendar. This is true at work and at home!
I need to let go of my thought that my career depends on showing up to every meeting.
you might notice a day when you feel very at ease with the calendar content. What is different about that day?
Is there anything you can do to replicate
this type of day more frequently?
If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader. JOHN QUINCY ADAMS
People thrive on what inspires them, not merely what is expected of them.
REFLECTION ON INSPIRATION
I have certainly found that when I go into a conversation or a meeting with a certain expectation of the outcome, I limit what I will discover and learn. Breakthrough ideas and exceptional achievement are easily limited by checking the boxes on a list of expectations, and true communication is limited by listening for the words we expect to hear.
You need to set a direction and ensure that you share enough information to effectively engage people in their work. You also need to inspire and allow those you work with to collectively stretch as far as they can. When you’re on autopilot, rushing from meeting to meeting, you are much more likely to manage by checklist, and accidentally treat those you are leading as order-takers.
PURPOSEFUL PAUSE: LETTING GO OF EXPECTATIONS
While you are in the meeting, notice when the urge to jump into the conversation to give directions arises, and ask yourself if that is the best choice right now. What happens if you stay quiet a little longer?
What would happen in your team if the next time you began a new project, you let go of expectations about it
When we are caught in that swirl, our ability to connect fully with others and respond
respectfully is diminished.
Our emotions add fullness and beauty to our lives.
He concluded that “success is a great place to hide.” Indeed, when we have parts of our lives that others tell
