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When our emotional intelligence is restricted, we often do not know what we really want, and can consequently struggle mightily with even the smallest decisions.
They find a sense of belonging to something larger and more comforting by reading spiritual books or engaging in meditative practices.
A numinous experience is a powerful moving feeling of well being accompanied by a sense that there is a positive, benign force behind the universe, as well as within yourself.
Nowadays, many therapists attach the phrase “good enough” to concepts like friend, partner, therapist or person. This is usually done to deconstruct perfectionistic expectations of relationships - expectations that are so unrealistic that they are destructive to essentially worthwhile relationships.
The child instead is forced to over-develop a critic that hyper-focuses on what is dangerously imperfect in her as well as others.
Another especially helpful somatic practice is stretching. Regular systematic stretching of the body’s major muscle groups can help you to reduce the armoring that occurs when your 4F response is chronically triggered. This results from the fact that 4F activation tightens and contracts your body in anticipation of the need to fight back, flee, get small to escape notice, or rev up to launch into people-pleasing activity.
While many survivors can be unconscious of their damaging eating habits, I have met various survivors who take it to the opposite extreme. I was once in the ranks of those who obsessively over-focus on dietary self-help hoping and expecting that all their suffering will be resolved if they can just find the perfect diet. Many also chase after every new highly touted supplement in this pursuit. Some of us also approach exercise in this manner.
Dogs and cats can be a tremendous source of what Carl Rogers describes as the “unconditional positive regard” that young children must have in order to thrive.
Self-mothering is a resolute refusal to indulge in self-hatred and self-abandonment. It proceeds from the realization that self-punishment is counterproductive. It is enhanced by the understanding that patience and self-encouragement are more effective than self-judgment and self-rejection in achieving recovery.
“Progress not perfection” is a powerful mantra for guiding our self-help recovery efforts.
Traumatic emotional neglect occurs when a child does not have a single caretaker to whom she can turn in times of need or danger.
In my experience, deep level recovery is often reflected in a narrative that highlights the role of emotional neglect in describing what one has suffered and what one continues to deal with.
Many freeze types hide away in their rooms and reveries fully convinced that the world of relating holds nothing for them.
At such times the flight type can rescue himself from panicky flight by inverting an old cliché into: “Don’t just do something, stand there.” And, by stand there I mean stop and take some time to become centered - and to re-prioritize. To accomplish this I recommend three minute, mini-chair meditations. If you are a flight type, you can enhance your recovery greatly by giving yourself a few of these each day. You can start a chair meditation by closing your eyes. Gently ask your body to relax. Feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. Breathe deeply and slowly.
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The progression of recovery for a freeze type is often as follows. Gradual trust building allows the recoveree to open to psychoeducation about the role of dreadful parenting in his suffering. This then paves the way for the work of shrinking his critic, which in turn promotes the work of grieving the losses of childhood. The anger work of grieving is especially therapeutic for freeze types as is an aerobic exercise regime. Both help resuscitate the survivor’s dormant will and drive.
When we emotionally remember how overpowered we were as children, we can begin to realize that it was because we were too small and powerless to assert ourselves. But now in our adult bodies, we are in a much more powerful situation.
Many fawns survived by constantly focusing their awareness on their parents to figure out what was needed to appease them. Some became almost psychic in their ability to read their parents moods and expectations. This then helped them to figure out the best response to neutralize parental danger.
Recovering requires us to become increasingly mindful of our automatic matching and mirroring behaviors. This helps us decrease the habit of reflexively agreeing with everything that anyone says.
Their disapproval of me is actually an affirmation that I have indeed been involved in right action. Most of the time, disapproval is okay with me.
MANAGING EMOTIONAL FLASHBACKS
Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.
Here are some examples of powerful and common triggers: revisiting your parents; seeing someone who resembles a childhood abuser; experiencing the anniversary of an especially traumatic event; hearing someone use a parent’s shaming tone of voice or turn of phrase.
One common sign of being flashed-back is that we feel small, helpless, and hopeless. In intense flashbacks this magnifies into feeling so ashamed that we are loath to go out or show our face anywhere. Feeling fragile, on edge, delicate and easily crushable is another aspect of this.
