Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

by Pete Walker

Fight types who are not true narcissists, however, benefit from understanding the costly price they pay

One survivor also realized that although her partner stayed, he was so afraid and resentful of her demandingness and irritability, that he could not manifest the warmth or real liking that she so desperately desired.

Timeouts can then be used to redirect the lion’s share of their hurt feelings into grieving and working through their original abandonment, rather than displacing it destructively onto current intimates.

If you are a recovering fight type, it will especially benefit you to learn the empathy response of the fawn position.

THE FLIGHT TYPE AND THE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DEFENSE

Extreme flight types are like machines with the switch stuck in the “on” position. They are obsessively and compulsively driven by the unconscious belief that perfection will make them safe and love-able. They rush to achieve. They rush as much in thought [obsession] as they do in action [compulsion]. As children, flight types variably respond to their family trauma on a hyperactive continuum. The flight defense continuum stretches between the extremes of the driven “A” student and the ADHD [Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder] dropout running amok. Flight types relentlessly flee the inner pain of their abandonment with the symbolic flight of constant busyness.

Left-Brain Diss...

John Bradshaw calls a Human Doing [as opposed to a Human Being.]

Left-brain dissociation is using constant thinking to distract yourself from underlying abandonment pain. When thinking is worrying, it is as if underlying fear wafts up and taints the thinking process. Moreover, if compulsivity is hurrying to stay one step ahead of your repressed pain, obsessing is worrying to stay one level above underlying pain.

Recovering From A Polarized Flight Response The flight types that I have worked with are so busy trying to stay one step ahead of their pain that introspecting out loud in the therapy hour is the only time they find for self-examination. Learning about the 4F model often helps them to renounce the perfectionistic demands of the inner critic. I gently and repetitively focus on confronting their denial and minimization about the costs of perfectionism. This is especially important with workaholics who often admit their addiction but secretly hold onto it as a badge of pride and superiority.

Flight types can get “stuck in their head” by being over-analytical. Once a critical mass of understanding Cptsd is achieved, it is crucial for them to start moving into their feelings. Sooner or later, they must deepen their work by grieving about their childhood losses. Self-compassionate crying is an unparalleled tool for shrinking the obsessive perseverations of the critic, and for ameliorating the habit of compulsive rushing. As her recovery progresses, the flight type can acquire a “gearbox” that allows her to engage life at a variety of speeds, including neutral. Neutral is especially important for flight types to cultivate.

In flashback, flight types can deteriorate into chicken-with-its-head-cut-off mode, as fear and anxiety propel them into scattered activity. Spinning their wheels, they can rush about aimlessly, as if motion itself is the only thing important. At such times the flight type can rescue himself from panicky flight by inverting an old cliché into: “Don’t just do something, stand there.”

to become centered - and to re-prioritize.

“What is my most important priority right now? What is the most beneficial thing I can do next?”

As you get more proficient at this and can manage sitting for a longer time, try the question: “What hurt am I running from right now? Can I open my heart to the idea and image of soothing myself in my pain?”

THE FREEZE TYPE AND THE DISSOCIATIVE DEFENSE

The freeze type can be so frozen in the retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the “off” position.

Of all the 4F’s, freeze types seem to have the deepest unconscious belief that people and danger

are synon...

While all 4F types commonly suffer from social anxiety as well, freeze types typically take a great ...

Right-Brain Dissociation

Freeze types sometimes have or appear to have Attention Deficit Disorder [ADD]. They often master the art of changing the internal channel whenever inner experience becomes uncomfortable.

schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality.

Recovering From A Polarized Freeze Response Recovery for freeze types involves three key challenges.

They are even less likely to seek the aid of therapy. Moreover, those who manage to overcome this reluctance often spook easily and quickly terminate.

Second, freeze types have two commonalities with fight types. They are less motivated to try to understand the effects of their childhood traumatization. Many are unaware that they have a troublesome inner critic or that they are in emotional pain. Furthermore, they tend to project the perfectionistic demands of the critic onto others rather than onto themselves. This survival mechanism helped them as children to use the imperfections of others as justification for isolation. In the past, isolation was smart, safety-seeking behavior. Third, even more than workaholic flight types, freeze types are in denial about the life narrowing consequences of their singular adaptation.

contentment with their ...

Internal opioid release is more accessible to freeze types because the freeze response has its own continuum that culminates with the collapse response. The collapse response is an extreme abandonment of consciousness. It appears to be an out-of-body experience that is the ultimate dissociation. It can sometimes be seen in prey animals that are about to be killed.

However, the opioid production that some freeze types have access to, only takes the survivor so far before its analgesic properties no longer function. Numbed out contentment then morphs into serious depression.

Several of my freeze type respondents highly recommend a self-help book by Suzette Boon, entitled Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation. This book is filled with very helpful work sheets that are powerful tools for recovering.

More than any other type, the freeze type usually requires a therapeutic relationship, because their isolation prevents them from discovering relational healing through a friendship. That said, I know of some instances where good enough relational healing has come through pets and the safer distant type of human healing that can be found in books and online internet groups.

In our therapy, trust building was a long gradual back and forth process. This is not uncommon with many survivors, regardless of their 4F type.

Eventually I was able to help her direct the angry part of her sarcasm at her bullying family. With that, my psychoeducation finally began to seep in with a ring of truth.

Prior to this she rebuffed my “critic ravings” as absurd.

She really “got” that social anxiety was imprisoning her on her couch.

The progression of recovery for a freeze type is often as follows. Gradual trust building allows the recoveree to open to psychoeducation about the role of dreadful parenting in his suffering. This then paves the way for the work of shrinking his critic, which in turn promotes the work of grieving the losses of childhood. The anger work of grieving is especially therapeutic for freeze types as is an aerobic exercise regime. Both help resuscitate the survivor’s dormant will and drive.

THE FAWN TYPE AND THE CODEPENDENT DEFENSE Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries. The disenfranchisement of the fawn type begins in childhood. She learns early that a modicum of safety and attachment can be gained by becoming the helpful and compliant servant of her exploitive parents. A fawn type/codependent is usually the child of at least one narcissistic parent. The narcissist reverses the parent-child relationship. The child is parentified and takes care of the needs of the parent, who acts like a needy and sometimes tantruming child. When this occurs, the child may be turned into the parent’s confidant, substitute spouse, coach, or housekeeper. Or, she may be pressed into service

to mother the younger siblings. In worst case scenarios, she may be exploited sexually. Some codependent children adapt by becoming entertaining. Accordingly, the child learns to be the court jester and is unofficially put in charge of keeping his parent happy. Pressing a child into codependent service usually involves scaring and shaming him out of developing a sense of self. Of all the 4F types, fawn types are the most developmentally arrested in their healthy sense of self. Recovering From A Polarized Fawn Response Fawn types typically respond to psychoeducation about the 4F’s with great relief. This eventually helps them to recognize the repetition compulsion that draws them to narcissistic types who exploit them. The codependent needs to understand how she gives herself away by over-listening to others. Recovery involves shrinking her characteristic listening defense, as well as practicing and broadening her verbal and emotional self-expression. I have seen numerous inveterate codependents become motivated to work on their assertiveness when they realize that even the thought of saying “no” triggers them into an emotional flashback. After a great deal of work, one client wa...

TRAUMA HYBRIDS There are, of course, f...

Most of us have a backup response that we go to when our primary one is not effective enough. When neither of these work, we generally then have a third or fourth “go to” position. Here are some common hybrid types.

The fight-fawn also differs from the fawn-fight in that his “care-taking” often feels coercive or manipulative. It is frequently aimed at achieving personal agendas which range from blatant to covert. Moreover, the fight-fawn rarely takes any real responsibility for contributing to an interpersonal problem. He typically ends up in the classic fight position of projecting imperfection onto the other. This essentially narcissistic type is also different than the fawn-fight in that entitlement is typically much more ascendant in the fight-fawn. His fawn behavior is typically devoid of real empathy or compassion.

SELF-ASSESSMENT I recommend that you self-assess your own hierarchical use of the 4F responses. Try to determine your dominant type and hybrid, and think about what percentage of your time is spent in each of the 4F responses. You can also assess where you lie on the relevant continuums that stretch between the two extremes in each line of the chart below. Continuums of Positive and Negative 4F Responses

Fight: Assertiveness ←→ Bullying Flight: Efficiency ←→ Driven-ness Freeze: Peacefulness ←→ Catatonia Fawn: Helpfulness ←→ Servitude Recovery And Self-Assessment

Buddha fams

The Fight ←→ Fawn Continuum of Healthy Relating to Others Healthy relating occurs when two people move easily and reciprocally between assertiveness and receptivity. Common and important examples of this are an easy back and forth [1] between talking and listening, [2] between helping and being helped, and [3] between leading and following. Normal healthy narcissism and codependence happen at the midpoint of the continuum. To the

degree that I polarize to the narcissistic/fight end of the continuum, I monologue and dominate the conversation. To the degree that I polarize to the codependent/fawn end, I get stuck in a listening defense, hiding from the vulnerability of showing what I think and feel. Conversations, of course, will not always be exactly in the middle or it would be a Ping-Pong-like exchange of monosyllables. The real balance occurs more over time. For instance, in an hour’s conversation, we each generally talk about half the time.

The Flight ←→ Freeze Continuum of Healthy Relating to Self A healthy relationship with yourself is seen in your ability to move in a balanced way[1] between doing and being, [2] between persistence and letting go, [3] between sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system ...

I wrote the gist of this chapter one satori-blessed night when I noticed that I anxiously apologized to a chair that I had bumped into. I think I probably apologized to inanimate objects many times before in my life, but this was the first time I noticed it.

Pavlovian “I’m sorry” response.

I was brainwashed with a default program to ingratiatingly apologize when anything in the natural order of things changed around me.