Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

by Pete Walker

Dogs and cats can be a tremendous source of what Carl Rogers describes as the “unconditional positive regard” that young children must have in order to thrive.

Other therapeutic relational sources include nature, music and the arts. Moreover, for some survivors, authors of helpful books can be kept at safe distances while they contribute to your healing. Finally, even with the most heinous betrayals, miracles sometime happen in terms of discovering a healing human connection, particularly in the later stages of recovery.

Cptsd As An Attachment Disorder Many therapists see Cptsd as an ...

The Origin Of Social Anxiety A child who grows up with no reliable human source of love, support and protection typically falls into a great deal of social unease. He “naturally” becomes reluctant to seek support from anyone, and he is forced to adopt self-sufficiency as a survival strategy.

This is particularly the case in structured situations where expectations are clear and common goals take the focus off conversing and put it on task accomplishments. Unstructured social situations however, like attending parties or just hanging out can be considerably more triggering. Spontaneous self-expression feels like the same setup for disaster that it was in childhood.

In worst case scenarios, social anxiety can devolve into social phobia, especially during prolonged flashbacks. Extensive childhood abuse installs a powerful people-are-dangerous program.

A central aspect of the truly helpful relational work was what John Bradshaw called “healing the shame that binds.” I believe toxic shame cannot be healed without some relational help. Several therapists and groups aided me greatly to unbind from the shame that made me hide whenever I could not invoke my perfect persona. Concurrently, I learned that real intimacy correlated with the amount I shared my vulnerabilities. As I increasingly practiced emotional authenticity, the glacier of my lifelong loneliness began to melt.

It is important to note here that groups can be even more powerful for the healing of shame than individual work. This is because there is typically more mutual vulnerability in a group than in individual work. Moreover, feeling compassion for someone who has suffered similarly to us sometimes naturally expands into feeling the same for ourselves.

Therapeutic relational experiences enhanced my self-compassion considerably further than what I was able to accomplish on my own. Moreover, I believe that insufficient self-compassion is the worst developmental arrest of all, and rest...

In retrospect I can clearly see that as my self-compassion increased, my toxic shame decreased. Modern advances in neuroscience [see: A General Theory of Love] suggest that we are intrinsically limited in our ability to emotionally regulate and soothe ourselves. More and more research suggests that our ability to metabolize ...

In chapter 13, I provide guidance about how to shop for a good enough therapist. I also explore more deeply the principles of therapeutic relational healing to help you know what is reasonable to expect from your therapist.

I have also met a number of survivors who have been lucky enough to get this kind of relational healing from a partner or a friend, typically one who had good enough parents or who “has a lot of recovery”.

Another potential source of relational healing is the co-counseling relationship. Guidelines for creating a co-counseling relationship are also contained in chapter 13.

Many respondents to my website have reported glowingly about the help they get from others through online recovery groups and forums. These groups can be particularly helpful for those who still find it difficult to be vulnerable in person.

Learning To Handle Conflict In Relationship One caveat for recovering the ability to authentically be yourself is that it is unreasonable and unfair to expect anyone to accept you if you are being abusively angry or contemptuous. Some trauma survivors flashback into this type of behavior by acting out from their Outer Critic. If this is an issue for you, chapter 10 provides guidance for deconstructing this intimacy-destroying habit.

In this vein, it is important to note that intimacy does not mean unconditional love.

“Tools for Lovingly Resolving Conflict” [Toolbox 4 in chapter 16] is a pragmatic list of techniques and perspectives to help couples resolve disruptions in their mutual attunement. Moreover, books by the Gottmans and Sue Johnson provide a great deal of practical help. I also find that Beyond The Marriage Fantasy, by Dan Beaver is especially helpful for men.

“Suggested Intentions for Recovery” [Toolbox 1 in chapter 16] renders yet another picture of the diverse developmental arrests that may as yet be unaddressed in the Cptsd survivor. The toolbox presents these needs as tangible goals that we can use to direct our recovery efforts.

Self-Mothering And Self-Fathering An important, yin/yang dynamic of reparenting involves balancing self-mothering and self-fathering. When a child’s mothering needs are adequately met, self-compassion is installed at the core of her being. When the same is true of her fathering needs, self-protection also becomes deeply imbedded. Self-compassion is the domicile of recovery, and self-protection is its foundation. When self-compassion is sufficiently established as a “home base” to return to in difficult times, an urge to be self-protective naturally arises from it. Living in the world without access to these primal instincts of survival is truly terrifying. We advance our recovery process immeasurably when we commit to re-mothering and re-fathering ourselves. I encourage you now to commit to becoming an unshakeable source of compassion and protection for yourself.

Self-mothering is based on the precept that unconditional love is every child’s birthright. Recovering from the loss of unconditional love is problematic. Not getting enough of it as children was the greatest loss we had. Sadly, this loss can never be completely remediated, because unconditional love is only appropriate and developmentally helpful during the first two years or so of life. After this time, the toddler has to begin to learn that human love comes with some conditions. Although love still needs to be copious at this time, the child must be gently shown that behaviors like hitting, biting and breaking things are not acceptable. The period of conditional love has begun and is successfully guided via a very gradual increase in learning about necessary and healthy limits and rules. The toddler who receives good enough parenting learns relatively easily to survive the very gradually diminishing supply of unconditional love. During this time she learns little by little that other people also have rights and needs. Her absolute entitlement to gratification is coming to an end, and the needs of her parents will not always be forfeited to accommodate her. Once again, psychological health is based on having about two years of this no questions asked entitlement to unconditional love. It is the normal healthy narcissism that Freud described as “His Majesty the Baby”.

Serious problems accrue however when the toddler does not begin to learn that there are limits to his original entitlement. If there are no limits for too long, then the journey toward adult narcissism begins. On the other hand, if there are too many

limits too soon, the matrix of trauma b...

We cannot help desperately wanting the unconditional love we were so unfairly deprived of, but we cannot, as adults, expect others to supply our unmet early entitlement needs.

And when it is enough, the therapist’s consistent caring facilitates the awakening of the developmentally arrested need to hold yourself with enough unconditional love.

Self-mothering is a resolute refusal to indulge in self-hatred and self-abandonment. It proceeds from the realization that self-punishment is counterproductive. It is enhanced by the understanding that patience and self-encouragement are more effective than self-judgment and self-rejection in achieving recovery.

You can enhance your self-mothering skills by imaginatively creating a safe place in your heart where your inner child and your present time self are always welcome. Consistent tenderness towards yourself welcomes the child into the adult body you now inhabit, and shows him that it is now a nurturing place protected by a warm and powerful adult.

A client of mine once shared this pearl of wisdom with me: “Thoughts - just mere thoughts - are as powerful as electric batteries - as good for you as sunlight is, or as bad for you as poison.”

I am so glad you were born. You are a good person. I love who you are and am doing my best to always be on your side. You can come to me whenever you’re feeling hurt or bad. You do not have to be perfect to get my love and protection. All of your feelings are okay with me. I am always glad to see you. It is okay for you to be angry and I won’t let you hurt yourself or others when you are. You can make mistakes - they are your teachers. You can know what you need and ask for help. You can have your own preferences and tastes. You are a delight to my eyes. You can choose your own values. You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone. You can sometimes feel confused and ambivalent, and not know all the answers. I am very proud of you.

Many abandoned children enter adulthood feeling that the world is a dangerous place where they are ill-equipped to defend themselves. While self-mothering focuses primarily on healing the wounds of neglect, self-fathering heals the wounds of being helpless to protect yourself from parental abuse, and by extension from other abusive authority figures.

Many survivors benefit greatly from classes and books on assertiveness training.

One of my favorite self-fathering exercises is the time machine rescue operation. I have used it to help myself and to help clients.

As he experiences his adult self consistently rising to his defense, he will feel safe enough to begin accessing his innate vitality, playfulness, curiosity, and spontaneity. Reparenting By Committee

Alternatively, many survivors instinctively initiate reparenting by others, via entering what one of my clients describes as “the community of books”. They receive reparenting from authors who encourage them to value and support themselves.

Therapy allowed me to internalize and mimic my therapists’ consistent and reliable stance of being on my side. This in turn led me to gravitate toward safer and more truly intimate friendships. I have seen this same result with numerous clients and friends.

believe the need to have mothering- and fathering-type support from others is a lifelong need and not just limited to childhood.

I conceptualize reparenting by committee as a circle of friends that has varying layers and levels of intimacy. The inner

circle of my reparenting committee includes my five closest friends. I think of this inner circle as friends with whom nothing is too vulnerable or taboo to talk about. My wife, a therapist friend, my exercise buddy and two members of a long term men’s group that I was in are in this circle. This circle also has an outer layer of people who would be inner if circumstances allowed me to see them more.

Outside this orb are levels of succeeding less intimate, yet still meaningful ...

next circle out is intimates who I rarely see anymore but who have shared enough intimacy with me in the past that I now draw comfort from imag...

The next circle out from this consists of my nurse practitioner, the body worker I occasionally see,

The next circle out from this are friends I play sports with, parents of my son’s friends and people in my neighborhood with whom my contact is not especially vulnerable, but with whom there is an easy chemistry that adds to my general overall sense of belonging.

the final circle is occasional strangers, who from time to time, I am graced to have easy and comforting interactions with.

also know various survivors whose effective recovery practices have similarly rewarded them with enough portions of love from a variety of others that their childhood starvation for help and support is significantly assuaged. And like me, their committee...

Recovering is therefore enhanced on every level by safe human help. Once again however, survivors with especially harsh betrayal histories may need to do a great deal of work on other levels before they are ready to risk the vulnerability of opening to relational help.

Relational work helps heal the initial wound of family abandonment, and self work decreases the self-abandonment that occurs because the child was forced to imitate his parents’ abandonment of him.

In advanced recovery, self-help and relational-help blend in an all important Tao.

The Tao of relational recovery involves balancing healthy independence with healthy dependence on others.

this therapeutic synthesis can come into being when an improved supportive relationship with yourself allows you to choose and open to a helpful relationship. Sometimes simultaneously, the attainment of a safe, supportive relationship with another person promotes the growth of your ability to be self-supportive. This then rewards you with a decrease in your automatic tendency toward self-abandonment. Complementarily, this then fosters ...

For many of us survivors a considerable amount of self-help work has to take place before we are able to open to relational support – before we become discerning enough to choose truly safe and helpful support.

Effective recovery work leads to an ongoing reduction of emotional flashbacks. Over time, with enough practice, you become more proficient at managing triggered states. This in turn results in flashbacks occurring less often, less intensely and less enduringly. Another key sign of recovering is that your critic begins to shrink and lose its dominance over your psyche. As it shrinks, your user-friendly ego has room to grow and to develop the kind of mindfulness that recognizes when the critic has taken over. This in turn allows you to progressively reject the