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The Tao of Fully Feeling,
Toxic shame can obliterate your self-esteem in the blink of an eye. In an emotional flashback you can regress instantly into feeling and thinking that you are as worthless and contemptible as your family perceived you.
The abandonment depression itself is the deadened feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that afflicts traumatized children.
ongoing verbal and emotional abuse also causes
Slaveholders typically use contempt and scorn to destroy their victims’ self-esteem.
Slaves and children who are made to feel worthless and powerless devolve into learned helplessness and can be controlled with far less energy and attention.
If however the bullying happens on numerous occasions and the child does not seek help, or if the child lives in an environment so dangerous that the parent is powerless to ensure a modicum of safety, it may take more than parental comforting to release the trauma.
Carol’s, the scapegoating parent often organizes the rest of the family to also gang up on the scapegoat.
They feel entitled to punish a child for anything that displeases them, no matter how unreasonable it might appear to an impartial observer.
Siblings in such families can traumatize the victim-scapegoat as severely as the parents.
This well known psychological phenomenon is called repetition compulsion or reenactment, and trauma survivors are extremely susceptible to
Her parents modeled and encouraged sarcasm and constant fault finding among the children.
Self-acceptance Clear sense of identity Self-Compassion Self-Protection Capacity to draw comfort from relationship Ability to relax Capacity for full self-expression Willpower & Motivation Peace of mind Self-care Belief that life is a gift Self-esteem Self-confidence
Remedying this developmental arrest is essential because many new psychological studies now show that persistence – even more than intelligence or innate talent - is the key psychological characteristic necessary for finding fulfillment in life.
flawless enough, her parents will finally care for her.
Self-criticism, then, runs non-stop in a desperate attempt to avoid rejection-inducing mistakes.
At the same time, it continuously fills her psyche with stories and images of catastrophe.
All too often, your decisions are based on the fear of getting in trouble or getting abandoned, rather than on the principles of having meaningful and equitable interactions with the world.
This occurs when the child is both abused for emoting and is, at the same time, abused by her caretaker’s toxic emotional expression.
sister secreted in a corner of the house begging our family dog: “Like me, Ginger, Like me!”
I also like to apply “good enough” to other concepts such as a good enough job, a good enough try, a good enough outing, a good enough day or a good enough life. I apply this concept liberally to contradict the black-and-white, all-or none thinking of the critic which reflexively judges people and things as defective unless they are perfect.
Children who receive good enough parenting easily recognize and protect themselves from bullying and exploitive people because they do not have to become accustomed to being treated unfairly.
Another especially helpful somatic practice is stretching. Regular systematic stretching of the body’s major muscle groups can help you to reduce the armoring that occurs when your 4F response is chronically triggered.
Yoga, massage, meditation and relaxation training are formalized disciplines to aid in letting go of unnecessary
Moreover, assertiveness training and anger release work are especially helpful for survivors who have difficulty accessing their assertiveness or instincts of self-protection.
through the help of an especially kind and safe partner.
During this time she learns little by little that other people also have rights and needs. Her absolute entitlement to gratification is coming to an end, and the needs of her parents will not always be forfeited to accommodate
Around this time, partners inevitably begin to feel some frustration with each other because of differences in their individual needs.
love who you are and am doing my best to always be on your side. You can come to me whenever you’re feeling hurt or bad. You do not have to be perfect to get my love and protection. All of your feelings are okay with me. I am always glad to see you. It is okay for you to be angry and I won’t let you hurt yourself or others when you are. You can make mistakes - they are your teachers. You can know what you need and ask for help. You can have your own preferences and tastes.
You are a delight to my eyes. You can choose your own values. You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone. You can sometimes feel confused and ambivalent, and not know all the answers. I am very proud
[Chapter 15, Bibliotherapy, contains my
Effective recovery is often limited to only progressing in one or two areas at a time. Biting off more than we can chew and trying to accomplish too much too soon is often counterproductive.
Bravery is, in my opinion, defined by fear. It is taking right action despite being afraid. It is not brave to do things that are not scary.
The recoveree now gets to choose her own values and reject those that are not in her own best interest. She develops a deeper more grounded self-respect that is not contingent upon going with the herd and shifting center with every new popular trend. In psychological parlance, she becomes free and brave enough to individuate and develop more of her full potential.
In worst case scenarios, a controlling narcissist can emotionally blackmail us to join him in falsely emoting joy. Just as painful is when we codependents force ourselves to laugh to cover up our fear or shame.
One of my clients recently became mindful enough to see how he was shaming himself for not being as jubilant as those in the beer commercials.
If this is what you suffered, you then grew up feeling that no one likes you. No one ever listened to you or seemed to
want you around. No one had empathy for you, showed you warmth, or invited closeness. No one cared about what you thought, felt, did, wanted or dreamed of. You learned early that, no matter how hurt, alienated, or terrified you were, turning to a parent would do nothing more than exacerbate your experience of rejection.
he suddenly shifts into monologing like a filibusterer.
If you are a freeze type, you may seek refuge and comfort by dissociating in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right-brain-dominant activities like TV, online browsing and video games.
blessed night when I noticed that I anxiously apologized to a chair that I had bumped into. I think I probably apologized to inanimate objects many times before in my life, but this was the first time I noticed it.
She stops having preferences and opinions that might anger them. Boundaries of every kind are surrendered to mollify her parents, who repudiate their duty of caring for her. As we saw in the last chapter, she is often parentified and becomes as thoroughly helpful to the parent as she can.
It is important to note that many charming bullies also offer copious tidbits briefly in the courtship stage, but these peter out to near starvation rations once the entrapment is complete.
overburden others with their advice.
To prove this is so, I refrain from then going on about it repetitively. Additionally, I typically check in first to see if the other person actually wants some feedback.
Many instantly grasped that their codependence comes from having been continuously attacked and shamed as selfish for even the most basic level of healthy self-interest.
Narcissists love me because I am so enabling of their monologing. I probably met lots of nice balanced people who did not want another date with me because it seemed like I was hiding and hard to get to know.”
Some became almost psychic in their ability to read their parents moods and expectations.
Dysfunctional emotional matching is seen in behaviors such as acting amused at destructive sarcasm, acting loving when someone is punishing, and acting forgiving
As such, recovery involves setting the kind of boundaries that help us to stay true to our own actual emotional experience.
