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January 30 - February 23, 2025
Once my son Heath died, I felt the taboo. I still feel it, but at the same time, my son is dead so what’s the worst thing that can happen to me at this point?
If I say how I feel and that causes someone to feel uncomfortable, well, guess how uncomfortable I’m feeling? I’m the...
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Pregnant people and their partners are encouraged to create a pregnancy around the idea that bringing a healthy baby home is the only possible ending and then are dropped when that doesn’t happen. They’re left in a vacuum created by the abortion rights movement, which ignored miscarriage and stillbirth for fear of going down a slippery slope to fetal personhood.
For many we spoke to, the overarching idea was that it was about being pro-bodily autonomy, whether that was gender-affirming care or reproductive justice—being supported as a dignified human being in a given scenario.
“What a relief it is to be seen when your baby was invisible,”
The interrupted pregnancies are called mizuko—“water babies”—not just because the fetuses exist in the womb in amniotic fluid but because the souls of children who die before their parents cannot cross the river to the afterlife.
There are Jizo statues all over Japan, usually bedecked with some kind of red cap or cloak—part of the ritual is to sew clothes for Jizo to use while he’s caring for the unborn. In Japan, this grief is not hidden away.
America’s top exports: oil, cars, and don’t be sad-ism.)
“The loss of a baby in particular is a very traumatic loss. It’s not something as a society we tend to acknowledge… The loss of a baby violates our sense of right and wrong and of a fair and just world. Elderly people are supposed to die, and babies are supposed to be born.”
“Christians often preach an unbiblical, and uncompassionate theology of suffering. Such as, ‘everything that happens to you is God’s will.’ (That teaching is not in the Bible.) ‘God will never give you more than you can handle.’ (Death is the biological definition of more than you can handle.) ‘God needed this baby more than you do.’ (Why? Does he collect babies?) ‘Your baby’s in a better place.’ (So, you’d rather your kids go to heaven now than stay on earth?) None of that reflects God’s heart for the grieving.”
“This was for the best,” “Nature took care of it,” “At least you know you can get pregnant,” “At least it was early on,” and “You can try again.”
disenfranchised grief, a term coined by Kenneth Doka, a renowned expert on grief, death, and dying, defined as “a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned.”29
grief after miscarriage is largely “prospective grieving. It’s the loss of your hopes and dreams for the future. For some women, when the miscarriage happens, I think part of it becomes grieving the loss of all the fantasies that were supposed to happen.”30
Grief professionals and organizations are very intentional about not creating a hierarchy of grief. It isn’t proportional to gestational age or on any logical timeline.
“Grief is a chronic condition. It comes and it goes, but it is also like a fingerprint,”
I don’t think we can ever say how long grief is supposed to last. It’s so unique to each person.”
The minute you find out you’re pregnant, that’s your baby.
The closest America comes to a national mourning ritual is dropping off a casserole that freezes beautifully.
“I think that part of what makes mourning a pregnancy loss so hard is that it’s the only kind of loss we don’t have a culturally sanctioned mourning ritual for.
“We have such a strong concept around the birth of a baby. We show up for each other, we have showers, we bring food, we have our hand-me-downs. We have such a strong sense of community, and you need that when you lose your baby too,”
“You carry that grief with you every day. You learn how to live your life around it and incorporate it into your life,”
“Going through pregnancy loss is going through an emotional and physical trauma. And it’s such a lonely place.”63
Tattoos were by far the most common ritual among those we spoke to—about 60 percent had them or were considering them,
“I feel like a tattoo was a way to memorialize the loss by reclaiming my body,”
Anyone speaking up makes it easier for others to do the same and disrupts the shame, stigma, and silence that previously marked this space.
