Off Sides (Darby U Hockey Boys, #3)

by Andi Jaxon

Everyone is allowed to break but me. Never me.

“Nick,” I whimper, my voice sounding to sweet even to me, and I don’t understand it. “Yeah, baby?”

“I’m not sure how I’ll keep my hands to myself, but I’m willing to give it a shot if it helps.” I smile and grip his hips. “So generous of you.” “I’m a generous guy.” His other hand palms my ass and kneads the muscle. “But if you baby talk me, we’re fucking.” “Baby talk?” Confusion contorts my face. What the hell is he talking about? “Yeah. That baby talk thing you do.” Nick looks at me like I’m the crazy one, but I have no idea what’s happening right now. “At the club when you were about to come and earlier today before we got naked.”

“And you’re into that?”

“Oh yeah.”

My soft boy that just wants cuddles and attention is hidden behind the hockey player mask. That side of him isn’t mine. It never was.

She’s right. Mom should have always been stepping up and taking care of her kids, but instead she buried herself in work.

she checked out on us.

My chest aches and I rub at it even though I know it won’t help. Part of me wants to know that Joey is mine. I want to claim him, tell everyone to keep their damn hands off, but the other part of me wants to be his comfort. He puts so much pressure on himself that he doesn’t need, taking responsibility for other people, and I want to be the one he leans on when that burden is too heavy. I just want to hold him.

I needed my parents too, and they weren’t there. Not for me. Not when I wanted them.

“Touch me.” Joey rests his forehead against mine. “Please.” I can’t resist him when he talks to me like that. “Not in here, baby,”

“Say it, baby.”

So fucking pretty. Mine.

“Baby, are you with me?”

I love my parents, they are amazing people, but…they never noticed when I needed them to.

I need him to need me.

“I don’t want someone easier. I want you. Just the way you are.”

“Fill me up, baby.”

I’m his. He’s mine.

“You want me to be yours?”

“Mine,”

“Good night.” “Good night, baby.”

I don’t want him to have to survive his goddamn family! I want to take him away from them and show him that love doesn’t have to be a burden. That it shouldn’t come with conditions and guilt and pain.

up emotions I was never allowed to have, building up in my lungs. Soon I’ll suffocate on them. Anger, guilt, shame, worthlessness, grief, sadness. Ugly emotions that no one ever wants to talk about or feel. No, just shove those into a little box and pretend to be happy. Fake it till you make it. I didn’t make it. I went numb. And I can feel myself sinking into it again.

“You have a good relationship with your mom?” I don’t know how to answer that. Not really. I love her. I know she loves me. But…I wish I had been a higher priority sometimes.

The shell of who I am in this house doesn’t fit anymore. It’s too small, too tight, suffocating. I don’t want to wear it anymore, but I don’t know who I am here without it. I’ve worn this costume for so long, how do I change it? Sometimes it feels like it’s become attached to me, like a growth, maybe tattooed into my skin, so I can’t escape it. At school, with the team, the mask is similar, familiar. Until I’m alone with Nick. He sees past the front to the core of who I am and reaches out for the broken kid who never got a chance to grieve. The broken kid who’s afraid of a hand up, afraid of comfort, but craves it just the same. I crave it. Crave him. Crave who I’m allowed to be when I’m with him.