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For all the oldest children who were forced to take on too much responsibility, I see you. For the kids who needed their parents but weren’t the priority, I see you too.
I want to punch something, pace, scream, but I can’t. I have to hold it together because that’s my job. Everyone is allowed to break but me. Never me.
“Fair is fair. Earn it and you can use me.”
“Such a good little slutty boy,” I moan with one hand gripping his thigh and the other gripping his hair. I pull out slowly, and he whimpers before I snap my hips sharply, taking him deep and hard, enjoying the way his body sucks me in and holds me tight. “Come for me,” he whispers in a sweet tone that belies what we’re doing. “Fill me up.”
The last time someone meant something to me, it didn’t end well. This guy is either going to be the best or worst thing to ever happen to me. I’m equally afraid of both.
“You’re not like anyone else,” he says to the door. “And that scares the shit out of me.”
“Trying to figure yourself out is hard. It’s awkward, and sometimes you have to fight the roles society has ingrained in us with what we want or need. It’s okay.”
For the first time since my dad died, someone is letting me be weak, and to take comfort. He’s not demanding that I be strong and hold in my emotions. It’s freeing and terrifying.
“Your sexuality doesn’t define you. You’re still you, no matter what gets your dick hard.”
Nick is safe. I don’t know how I know that since I met him twenty-four hours ago, but I just know. On a cellular level, I know.
“You gonna fill us up with cum?” he growls against my skin, setting off shivers. “Yes,” I whine in that little voice he seems to bring out in me. “Good boy, do it. I want your cum all over my dick so I can use it as lube.”
“You like being used, Joey? Filled with cum and sloppy?” “Yes,” I hiss as he thrusts in. “Good.” He leans over me to brush his lips against my ear while he speaks. “I’m going to fuck you like I hate you. Make this hole gape for me.”
“Such a dirty boy, getting turned on by being used.” He bites my shoulder and starts moving. Every thrust is harder, faster, deeper than the last until he’s pounding into me like his life depends on it. I love it. I don’t ever want him to stop. “Use me,” I whimper in that innocent tone that belies what I’m doing. “I get so hard when you talk like that,” Nick growls. “Do sweet boys like being used as a fuck toy?”
We don’t have to have all the answers right now, we have time to figure it out, and together, we’ll do just that. We are worthy of love and happiness.
This right here is why I can’t date. I don’t have the time or the energy to give more of myself to someone. There’s nothing left. I’m being crushed under the weight of everyone else’s expectations. I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be anymore.
“Baby, are you with me?” His lips are a ghost on mine. “Nothing matters but me.” He has no idea how true that statement is. It’s so hard to fight it. Even when he’s not around.
“I don’t know how to prove to you that I can handle your life, to prove that I understand your responsibilities, but when you’re ready to let me try, you know where to find me.”
That’s a lesson I learned early in life. The world keeps turning, even when you’re mourning, even when your mom is burying herself in work because she can’t deal with life, even when you’re left to raise your siblings because there’s no one else to do it. Life keeps going.
“Friends that sometimes cuddle, though, right?” My voice is quiet and I can feel my cheeks heat. “I don’t have friends I don’t cuddle with.” He steps a little closer. I narrow my eyes and think about it for a minute. “Are you a cuddle whore? Cuddling people all willy-nilly?” Willy-nilly? Seriously? Ugh. “I am a cuddle whore who is lacking work.”
“You deserve good things, Joey.”
“Letting yourself be cared for doesn’t make you selfish. Wanting your own dreams doesn’t make you selfish. Wanting your family to figure their own shit out doesn’t make you selfish.”
“Why am I so weak around you?” The words are mumbled into my shirt, but I hear them. “Because it’s safe to. You know, somewhere in your head, that I’ve got you.”
“Everyone needs a person that’s safe.”
The urge to hide him from the world is strong, though. He needs a break.
“I have no limits on you touching me. I need touch. So sit on this fucking bed or wrap yourself around me like an octopus, I don’t care. Get out of your head and do what you want to for once.”
“Stop being perfect.” Nick bites at my lip and kisses the tip of my noise. “I’m only perfect for you.”
“They are not your responsibility. They never should have been. I can almost guarantee that your dad did not mean for you to raise your siblings. He didn’t mean for you to take the brunt force of your mom’s failings. He didn’t want this for you.”
“Baby, I may have never met him, but he would be crazy not to be proud of you.”
“You survived losing your dad, got your siblings through high school, got onto a college hockey team where you then became the captain. You’re about to graduate college, while playing hockey, and dealing with your family’s shit.”
“Those guys on the team with you? They’re proud of you, and I bet they don’t know what you’re dealing with personally. I’m fucking proud of you. The fact that your mom can’t see how much you’ve taken on, how much you’ve done for her, is her short coming, not yours.”
“I don’t know how to rely on anyone.” His voice is soft, almost a whisper. “I’ll teach you.”
There it is. What’s really been holding him back. He doesn’t think he’s worth it.
“I don’t want someone easier. I want you. Just the way you are.”
“You’re worth everything.” I don’t know if he’ll let me show him or if he’ll decide it’s all too much and ghost me again. I don’t have answers to what happens later, in the future, after graduation, but I want to figure it out with him.
“Put some pants on, I don’t want Neal to see what’s mine.” He says it so casually, like it’s obvious, that I smile. I’m his. He’s mine.
Soon I’ll suffocate on them. Anger, guilt, shame, worthlessness, grief, sadness. Ugly emotions that no one ever wants to talk about or feel. No, just shove those into a little box and pretend to be happy. Fake it till you make it. I didn’t make it. I went numb. And I can feel myself sinking into it again.
Maybe being raised the way I did prepared me for Joey. I know how to stay calm, take it slow, let him get used to me.
“I am not my father and I am done raising your children.”
“I guess you missed that I love you.” He shrugs. “You missed that you’re it for me and I will make damn sure that I’m it for you.”
