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For all the oldest children who were forced to take on too much responsibility, I see you. For the kids who needed their parents but weren’t the priority, I see you too.
I want to break down. I want someone to tell me this isn’t my fault or my responsibility. Matt is a dumbass and acting out for attention because he didn’t process Dad’s death and feels abandoned by Mom.
“If I make you come, I’m fucking you afterward,” I tell him in no uncertain terms. He smirks at me and bites his lip. “Fair is fair. Earn it and you can use me.” Jesus. Fucking. Christ.
So fucking pretty. Mine.
He feels too good. Like that first gasp of oxygen when you’ve held your breath too long and your lungs are screaming for air. He’s a drug I’ve become addicted to and I can’t afford the distraction.
“I have no limits on you touching me. I need touch. So sit on this fucking bed or wrap yourself around me like an octopus, I don’t care. Get out of your head and do what you want to for once.”
This…whatever it is, was supposed to be easy. No feelings, just pleasure. Why did that have to change? Why did my heart decide that we couldn’t live without this man?
“You said run but I’m happy to supply orgasms.” He smiles against my lips. “Stop being perfect.” Nick bites at my lip and kisses the tip of my noise. “I’m only perfect for you.”
“Joey, listen to me.” I wait until I hear him suck in a deep breath. “They are not your responsibility. They never should have been. I can almost guarantee that your dad did not mean for you to raise your siblings. He didn’t mean for you to take the brunt force of your mom’s failings. He didn’t want this for you.”
“Those guys on the team with you? They’re proud of you, and I bet they don’t know what you’re dealing with personally. I’m fucking proud of you. The fact that your mom can’t see how much you’ve taken on, how much you’ve done for her, is her short coming, not yours.”
“I would give my left nut to be there with you right now.” Joey chuckles, and I can hear the stubble scrape across his hand as he wipes his face. “Why the left one?” “So, my swimmers know how to act right, duh.”
“I don’t know how to rely on anyone.” His voice is soft, almost a whisper. “I’ll teach you.”
“I wanted you to be able to see me when I tell you this. Are you ready?” I wait for him to nod. “One, you aren’t the only one with baggage. I’ve got some too. Second, having issues or baggage or whatever doesn’t make you undeserving of love or affection or friendship.” His eyes fill with unshed tears, and I pause to make sure I’m really about to say this. To be vulnerable. “I don’t want someone easier. I want you. Just the way you are.”
The front door opens and Mom stops in the doorway, eyeing my bag. “Where do you think you’re going?” She looks behind me, seeing Matt standing with his crutches at the table and Charlotte with her stuff behind me. “You’re not done here, Matt’s not ready to be left alone all day.” Steeling my spine, I square my shoulders and tell my mother what I should have years ago. “I am not my father and I am done raising your children.”
“Troy and Sammy are gonna miss you, so don’t be a stranger, you hear me?” While I finish packing, I ask about their situation and if they’ll be available for adoption. If they are, I’m moving back here after graduation so I can be in their lives and start the process of getting custody of them. It can take a while but I’ll wait as long as I need to. I need them just as much as I need Joey. Fuck, I hope he wants kids.
“How do we feel about bagels? Donuts? Danish? Apple fritter?” I ask him seriously, because I have plans. Lots of delicious plans. “What the hell is wrong with you?” He turns his back to the car and leans against it with his arms crossed. “What? I like my pastries with a side of dick.” Duh.
He glances at me skeptically but takes the piece and chews quickly. “It’s weird to eat food that was basically a masturbatory aid.”
I’m going to burst into flames. Right here on the grass. My tombstone will read ‘graduated from college only to spontaneously combust via embarrassment’ and it’s entirely Nick’s fault. The bastard.
It’s not often I meet someone bigger than me, at least not one who isn’t a hockey player, but this man feels bigger. He feels like a dad. I barely remember what it felt like the last time I hugged my dad.
Leaning into Nick, I press my forehead to his. “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know there’s no one else I would rather find out with than you.” He kisses the tip of my nose. “Doesn’t matter what the future holds, we’ll handle it. Together.”
