Sinner (The Wolves of Mercy Falls #4)

by Maggie Stiefvater

“Oh, ugly has hurt some things. It’s just that pretty hurts more.”

She was. Of course. Imaginary creatures are always happy with other imaginary creatures.

And here was what I was most afraid of: that Cole St. Clair would fall in love with me, and I’d fall in love with him, both of us human weapons, and we’d both end up with broken hearts.

I wasn’t sure if that was actually how I looked or just how I stood, with my elbows tucked so that nothing in the room would accidentally touch me. That was the rule: Nothing was to touch me. I didn’t know why I kept letting Cole break it.

“It’s not about the landing. It’s about the flying.”

Cole said, voice empty, “And the world likes us better falling down.”

Cole rested his temple on the window, his eyes cast toward the cloudless sky. “I’m trying,” he said finally. “I’m trying and it doesn’t matter to anyone. I’m always going to be him.” “Who?” “Cole St. Clair.” It seemed on the surface like a stupid thing to say, but I knew exactly what he meant. I knew just how it felt when your worst fear was that you would be yourself.

I closed my eyes and thought about the different ways I would like to hurt him, starting with the easiest and working toward the cruelest: with my fist, with my words, with my smile.

I thought about the joy of recording the track earlier that day. I tried to drag it back to myself, but it was an academic exercise. Every chemical switch inside me was thrown to get out get out get out, and happiness wasn’t even possible.

But I sort of was. It wasn’t that I was afraid of becoming them — it was more that I was afraid of becoming the Cole that I had been when I’d lived with them. The Cole who was so tired of the world. The me who realized there was no point to being here, where here meant life.

There was nothing terrible about them. They had no particular power over me. No more than anyone else. It had never been them. It had always been me.

We were so little, when you took away all our sins.