Stupid Dirty (Possum Hollow, #1)

by Erin Russell

I will not turn into my father.

My personal daily mantra

Anger is like an old friend that always has my back. I can do anger in my sleep. Anger keeps me safe. Other emotions are dangerous, and I don’t have the bandwidth for them right now.

Platonic intimacy is wildly underrated.

Affectionate physical touch, without expecting anything in return, does everyone a world of good.

This is the most physical contact I’ve had in months, and every time his fingertips brush my chest through my t-shirt, it makes me shiver. It’s not quite as good as a hug from a loving parent or something, but maybe picking fights with strangers is as close as I can get.

I wonder what it would feel like to fly. Maybe Cade should be angry at me. I’m completely wasting my life. Maybe I’m angry at me.

Duct-taping broken people back together is all I do, really.

There’s a fine line between being reckless and self-destructive—something I’m guilty of from time to time—and feeling so much like your life is already over that the basic concept of your safety doesn’t even exist.

“Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to fly?” And that’s it. Five-alarm-fire bells are ringing in my chest and I’m practically vibrating with the need to get him inside and the fuck away from this drop.

“Nah, I don’t hate you. I was just pissed about the race. Never forget, I was raised by drug addicts. Anger is basically my love language.”

His smile was always spectacular. No matter what, he could light up the room with it. I could see that, even from miles outside of his social circle. But having it directed at you is something else.

“Nah, man, don’t push it aside. Ignoring how you feel and letting it build up is how you end up becoming an alcoholic and turning into my dad. Or your dad. Or standing at the edge of a quarry. It’s no good. It’s a whole new fucking millennium. We’re allowed to feel our feelings and shit. Get it out.”

“I think you really might have saved my life.”

“I’ve got you now, buddy. You’re stuck with me,” he murmurs in my ear. Something in my chest cracks open so my guts and my heart and everything else can spill out onto the floor. “Okay.”

I’m worried I’m about to lose a testicle to exposure. And I like my testicles where they are, thank you.

You, though, light of my life, are a slut. And I love you for it. It’s important that someone in this relationship is getting laid. Now let us in, woman. I’m freezing my nuts off out here.”

Realistic besties lmao

Every inch of me is screaming that whatever I do in my life, I cannot let him go. Like as soon as I do, all the broken pieces of him will fly apart.

Everyone else might be tiring for him, but somehow, I know how to make him laugh. It’s like I was born with the cheat codes. Power like that can’t go to waste.

If this is what having a best friend is like, I get what I’ve been missing all this time.

Chaotic’ was the first word that came to mind when we walked inside. Although that’s also one of the first words that comes to mind when I think about Cade, so…

I hope he knows what he got himself into when he invited me into his world, because he’s not going to be able to pry me off him anytime soon. It’s too late. There’s no way I’m giving this up now.

He may hate talking to people, but Silas speaks fluent machine. All of my robot boy jokes have clearly been on point.

Nothing has ever felt as solid or safe as the arms of this guy I barely know, but I’m not going to question it. It’s a fucking gift.

I try to surround him with every inch of myself that I can, as if that were enough to make him feel warm and safe and not scared anymore. Slowly, the shivering subsides. But I’m not letting go until he makes me.

I don’t need to make out the individual words to know how much my father still hates me. He’s always made that very clear. It’s fine. I hate him too.

…

“Perfect. Now everyone look at Silas with your most pathetic abused child face and say, ‘Please will you drive us to Franklin because Cade is too hungover and needs to nap on the way?’.”

Silas is the one good thing that’s happened to me in a long fucking time.

So hakuna matata and go the fuck to sleep.”

He’s my best friend. He keeps me safe. I keep him safe. This is just another part of that.

Sometimes it feels like I was created specifically to undo every shitty thing that’s ever been done to Silas. Every smile gives me a bigger sense of accomplishment than anything else in my life, and it’s literally my job to save people’s lives.

If I could hollow out the space inside my ribs and place him there for safekeeping, I would.

I’m operating on instinct and desire now. And I desire all of him, wrapped around me until I can’t touch or see or breathe anything that isn’t him.

“You want me to fuck you? To be inside you and fucking own you? Because I thought you were mine before, Cade, but this-” My voice is a dry rasp. I push my fingers back into him, making him gasp. “This is something else. This isn’t something I can forget about.” “Do it.” He sounds so sure. “Fuck me. Own me. You already do, I just didn’t realize it.”

Silas doesn’t kiss like someone who hasn’t had a lot of sex. Silas kisses like someone who fucks.

If his father tries to put his hands on my person again, I’ll rip out his spine.

The sense of belonging is so thick in the room I can almost wrap it around myself like a blanket. It chases away the lingering guilt I have over leaving everything unresolved with my dad at the house, as well as the fractured memories of my mom.

Every day I spend with Cade makes me more vital and alive.

My mind is a loud place. My life is also loud. Silas is the only thing in the world that can make it all go quiet. Even if it’s just for a little while.

Fuck. I need an adult to tell me what I’m supposed to do. I’ve never felt less like an adult than right now.

He feels like family. Him being here makes me feel like I’m not dealing with this alone. That’s really fucking scary.

Hold me. Promise you’ll never leave me. Be my family and let me be yours. I can only breathe because you’re still here.

I wonder if this guy would think I’m a coward. If he had someone as incredible as Silas, I’m sure he wouldn’t hide how he felt.

Show me an ER nurse who doesn’t have some kind of trauma in their past and I’ll show you a liar. How else do you learn to be the only calm person in the room when the world is on fire?”

I have crippling childhood attachment issues, and I’ve officially gone emotionally all-in with Silas. Travis can pry him out of my cold, dead hands.

For once, I owe my abandonment issues an apology. Everything is obviously not fucking fine.

If I can convince him I can take care of him, maybe that will be enough. Maybe he’ll stick around.

“No one has ever done sex as good as we do sex. We sex the best. Sex champions.” Okay, I may be a little dickmatized, but I’m alright with that. It was incredible.

He’s so fucking good, down to his bones. I could live a thousand lives and I would never deserve someone as good and vibrant and alive as he is.

Every cell in my body throbs in pain at the thought of losing Cade, but I can’t deny what’s right in front of my eyes. I can’t let Cade suffer through all of this.

I love him and I’m not going anywhere. So his shit is my shit, and that means it’s time to deal with it.