“I used to do the casual hook-up thing a lot, but as I watched my cousins get knocked up one by one, it felt like this constant looming threat, until hooking up wasn’t even fun anymore. And then what was the point? It’s fine, though. I have an entire lifetime to do that shit. In the meantime, I am in a committed relationship with my left hand, and we’re very happy together, thank you. We’re thinking of making a wedding registry, if you’d like to buy us a gift. Astroglide ain’t cheap.”
