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“Hey, I was fine. If that self-righteous, condescending, stuck up little prick hadn’t-” “Jeeeeeez, who lit the fuse on your tampon?”
Affectionate physical touch, without expecting anything in return, does everyone a world of good.
This is the most physical contact I’ve had in months, and every time his fingertips brush my chest through my t-shirt, it makes me shiver. It’s not quite as good as a hug from a loving parent or something, but maybe picking fights with strangers is as close as I can get.
“I’ve got you now, buddy. You’re stuck with me,” he murmurs in my ear. Something in my chest cracks open so my guts and my heart and everything else can spill out onto the floor. “Okay.”
“First of all, please don’t lump me in with the normies when you’re assuming shit; I worked long and hard to become the white trash wackadoo you see before you. Second of all, I get that the whole friend thing is new to you, but I’m gonna let you in on a secret. Not only can you have friends, but you can have friends that are girls. You don’t even sleep with them. It’s like they’re whole people with their own thoughts and personalities and shit. It’s magical, honestly.”
Every inch of me is screaming that whatever I do in my life, I cannot let him go. Like as soon as I do, all the broken pieces of him will fly apart.
Everyone else might be tiring for him, but somehow, I know how to make him laugh. It’s like I was born with the cheat codes. Power like that can’t go to waste.
“I used to do the casual hook-up thing a lot, but as I watched my cousins get knocked up one by one, it felt like this constant looming threat, until hooking up wasn’t even fun anymore. And then what was the point? It’s fine, though. I have an entire lifetime to do that shit. In the meantime, I am in a committed relationship with my left hand, and we’re very happy together, thank you. We’re thinking of making a wedding registry, if you’d like to buy us a gift. Astroglide ain’t cheap.”
In the quiet dark of my room, I wonder how Cade jerks off. Is he quick and efficient? Doubtful. That boy can’t make a fucking sandwich without taking a detour. Plus, he gets too much enjoyment from the little things.
We’re two peas in a very fucked-up pod.
And if I’m spoiling him with attention, so what? He fucking deserves it. He deserves everything I have to offer, so I’m not going to hold back because of whatever arbitrary decisions society has made about men needing to be independent. Fuck that and fuck you for suggesting it.”
It’s the circle of life, apparently. So hakuna matata and go the fuck to sleep.”
Sometimes it feels like I was created specifically to undo every shitty thing that’s ever been done to Silas. Every smile gives me a bigger sense of accomplishment than anything else in my life, and it’s literally my job to save people’s lives.
If I could hollow out the space inside my ribs and place him there for safekeeping, I would.
“You want me to fuck you? To be inside you and fucking own you? Because I thought you were mine before, Cade, but this-” My voice is a dry rasp. I push my fingers back into him, making him gasp. “This is something else. This isn’t something I can forget about.” “Do it.” He sounds so sure. “Fuck me. Own me. You already do, I just didn’t realize it.”
“Come on, let’s brush our teeth and get some coffee before anything else earth-shattering happens and one of us ends up pregnant.”
“Yeah, well I imagine neither of our fathers ever planned on sitting us down and talking us through the finer points of safe dick-in-ass sex.”
“My dude, you had your dick in my ass, and then you blew your load in my ass, and then you stared at your cum dripping out of my ass, said it was beautiful and finger-fucked me until I cried. This was like eight hours ago, Silas. I realize that a lot of shit has changed for us in a very short space of time, but I think you should be able to say the word ‘condom’ in front of me.”
He’s mine. My job is to take care of him and keep him safe, like no one has before.
Hold me. Promise you’ll never leave me. Be my family and let me be yours. I can only breathe because you’re still here.
I have crippling childhood attachment issues, and I’ve officially gone emotionally all-in with Silas. Travis can pry him out of my cold, dead hands.
For three months, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop, while telling myself it’s just my abandonment issues talking and everything is fine. For once, I owe my abandonment issues an apology. Everything is obviously not fucking fine.
“Shh,” he interrupts me, leaning forward to lick the crown and pulling an involuntary shudder out of me. “I don’t need my hand for you to use my mouth. Show me who I belong to, baby.”
“That’s it,” I say, ignoring the dreamy, far-away tone of my voice that contrasts with how rough it is from the abuse my throat just took. Silas looks down at me sharply. “No one has ever done sex as good as we do sex. We sex the best. Sex champions.”
What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? I love that Silas looks at me like he’s desperate to keep me close all the time. I’m pretty sure if he didn’t, I’d be spinning out all the time, wallowing in my own insecurities. Maybe that’s toxic. Or maybe that’s just all our psychological damage complimenting each other.
“You don’t have to go to work today?” he asks. I shake my head. “Tristan’s covering for me. He says you owe him for that, by the way, and I have no idea what he’s going to want in return. I hope you think me and Possum Hollow are worth it, because he definitely might ask you to help him bury a body. Who the fuck knows.”
“There’s one more thing I need you to promise me. We don’t need to start today, because things have been crazy, but promise me that you will see a doctor about your mental health stuff. We can figure out the money. I can save on every ER bill by putting you back together with duct tape and superglue; I’ll do the same thing with my bike, but I don’t have emotional duct tape and I don’t know the first place to start, so I need you to see someone for real. Please.”
