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Cal takes out his trumpet and accompanies Dessi on two more tunes, “Them There Eyes” and “Easy Living.” When they finish, those around clap. Dessi and Cal scoot back against the wall. Dessi huddles into her coat trying to stay warm. The man from the escalator, who asked them to sing another, brings them a blanket.
That right there, what we just did, making music and making people smile—that feels like home. Maybe music means I can be at home anywhere in the
And as much as I’ve given this movie, as much as I care about it, right now, all I care about is her.
“Don’t worry about us. We’ll figure out the filming. Worry about you, about this.” I hesitate over the next question, lifting her chin so I can read those beautiful eyes. “Are you scared?”
But when the time is right, I do want to hear it from her. And I do want to say it.
What if he doesn’t feel he can step away from me now, even if this is too much? I couldn’t handle it if he stayed with me out of some misplaced sense of nobility or loyalty. That would be an insult to what we’ve been. An insult, in the future I can’t even see right now, to what we could be.
I get it i would feel the same way
There is such love in his eyes, such… I don’t know… adoration… that for a moment, I don’t know how to respond. It is a look, a love that reaches in and fills me up. I’m about
end, and tears fill her eyes. “This body is a shell,” she says, her voice sober. “No matter how beautiful or what size or how healthy, every single body inevitably returns to dust. It is not your legacy. It is not what you leave behind.”
stronger every day.” “Is that why you look at me the same way no matter how my appearance changes?” He studies me for long, silent seconds. “No, baby.” He caresses my cheek with his thumb, smiling into my eyes. “That’s just love.”
“Of course I’m thinking about it. It’s my fault.” “It’s not your fault. It’s your health. It’s your life, and I don’t give a damn about Dessi Blue if you’re not well.”
Saying it aloud is liberating. Mama would be pleased. Her wish for me—that I would find someone to love more than my work, than my art—has come true with a vengeance. This thing that threatened Neevah’s life and our future together shifted my priorities. Changed my lens and brought everything into focus. There is no question what—who—is most important in my life. Neevah. Dessi Blue
foolhardy. Why would you open yourself up to that potential pain again? And then someone walks onstage, into the light, and you realize you want to let them in, but they bring with them not only the best of life, but the risk of loss. And at some
“I thought about doing a documentary,” he says, caressing my hand. I turn my head to peer at him in the dim light of the theater. “Really? Wow that could be… that could be amazing.” “I’m glad you think so.” He stands, depositing me in the seat and walking to the back of the theater. “Because I want to show you a little something I’ve been working on.”
give me her kidney. There is no fear or reluctance on her face. Only relief. Only love. And I’m moved anew by her sacrifice—by her willingness to give me so much even at a time when there was so little between us. The camera follows
odds with the powerful shoulders making it. “I love her and it feels like the strongest thing I’ve ever had. At the same time, it feels like the most fragile.”
understood his question and the guilt behind it, but I reassured him immediately that I didn’t. Have never. I can’t live like that. Life is indiscriminately seasoned, usually not sweet without some bitter. Usually not sun without some rain. I’m in a support group, and one lady’s lupus was triggered while she carried her first child. Does she regret her baby, a miracle who brings her joy because her body paid the toll? She says unequivocally no. And I can’t resent the movie that gave me Canon, the love of my life.
“You look at me the way your mom looked at sunsets.” If possible, the emotion in his eyes deepens. His arms around me tighten, like he’s found something precious he’ll never let go. “Mama always said waiting for sunsets was like waiting for a miracle you knew would come,” he says, his voice graveled with the emotion in his eyes. “How happy she must be to know I finally found mine.”
Maybe
