Delilah: An Under Your Scars Novella

by Ariel N. Anderson

Sometimes when I think about my father’s suicide, I wonder if he knew he’d kill a part of me, too.

I don’t know why I cared so much about those stupid pancakes, but Dad told me he’d get them for me if I counted to one hundred, and I tried so hard to be good and do it.

But then I met Elena, and I realized that the reason I didn’t fear death was because I feared being alone more. I feared losing her and the love she so willingly gave me, even when I didn’t always deserve it. I still don’t think I deserve it, and yet here I am, with the two best things that ever happened to me.

Be better than me. Do good in this world. Be selfless and passionate and never let go of the way you choose to see the best in everyone. The way you chose to see the good in me, even when I knew I didn’t have any. I love you, Caroline. Forever. Tell your mother that I’ll be waiting for her on the other side, yeah?

He didn’t kill himself because he gave up on me, but because he lost the only thing that was holding him together. His love for me would have never filled that hole in his chest.

The one emotion that’s always haunted me about that day is guilt. Everyone was in that kitchen because I wanted pancakes that morning. Maybe it’s not fair for me to blame myself for that. I couldn’t have known my grandfather was going to go off the deep end that morning.

“I just…I wanted you to know that I get it now. I’ve always been confused and lost, wondering why you left me. But I’m not lost anymore, Dad. I’m going to make the world believe in me the same way you did. I promise. So…that’s why I’m here. To share my breakfast with you.”

My new husband has always been patient with my grief. He’s always understood that a part of me will never move on from losing my parents as traumatically as I did. He’s the first person who saw what was in my heart, and has never looked at me as the twice-orphaned child of a serial killer. He’s only ever seen Caroline. He’s only ever seen me.

“You loved her first, but I love her now, and it’s the honor of my life to have her by my side.”

Garrett helps me to my feet and back to the car. Before we drive off, I look at Mr. Bunny one last time. He’s so old he’s lost all his purple coloring. An eye is missing. He’s raggedy and limp. But he’s still holding on. And so am I.