Definitely Better Now

by Ava Robinson

I was terrible at speaking from the heart. My heart was shy. It didn’t like crowds.

As the years went on, I was feeling younger and younger. My body was aging, but my soul was Benjamin Button–ing.

Men respected other men’s claims on a woman infinitely more than they respected a woman’s decision not to sleep with them.

I just couldn’t believe that I held a small string connected to him. I felt like a cat; I wanted to reach out, grab the string, and run away with it. I wouldn’t let myself, though. The crush on Ben, while it felt like progress that I was now able to admit it to myself, was maybe not a good idea.

to him I was something I’d never been to anyone before: girlfriend material.

Even though I’d thought about Ben constantly, I was suddenly terrified of the reality of him.

That my childhood had made me confused about love and relationships, and scared of all the ways they could go wrong.

“You can be nostalgic for things you haven’t lived through. As long as it speaks to an essential part of you.”

“You’d just say ‘It would mean so much if you could make it.’ It’s scary, I know. Of course it’s scary. But it gets easier every time you invite someone in.”

Sometimes it can feel like disloyalty, letting go of past versions of yourself. Even though I’d changed so much about myself, even though I’d worked so hard for it, I still wasn’t sure who I was going to be or what exactly I was working toward.

If I only have so many breaths, I want to take each one with intention.”