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The craziest thing happens. She laughs. Like an actual laugh. Sure, she’s laughing at the idea of working with me, but fuck, it’s a pretty sight. Might be the only time I get her to laugh around me, so I eat it up, watching how the corner of her eyes wrinkle, and her pink lips tip up in a cute smile. She’s pretty, that’s for damn sure.
She wants my attention? She’s fucking got it.
“I’ve got to say, even though you seem to despise me for some reason,” he glances up at me, “I always seem to have a good time whenever you’re near.” A full glass of beer gets placed in front of me. “You’re a masochist, huh?” I ask, taking a sip. “You like when people torture you?” He laughs. “If torture is anything like you, then hell yes.”
stare at up at him.
Only he doesn’t know that I didn’t handle it well. At all. To him, maybe it didn’t seem that way since I kept to myself, ignored them and tried to not let it affect me, but when the shoot was over, I shut myself in my room with a whole box of Oreos and binged while I cried. The whole night. Nobody knows that I’m weak though. They don’t know that I don’t have control over my emotions, even though it seems like the complete opposite.
I can’t even count how many times I grabbed a pair of scissors and wished I could cut my body, mar myself to fit in, to look good. To love myself.
“The thought of another guy’s hands on you makes me want to rip out their throats. I need to know I’m the only one touching you, kissing you.” His hand reaches up and grabs my face, smoothing his thumb over my cheek. “Fucking you,” he whispers, dipping his head, flattening his tongue against my neck. “I licked you,” he says. “You’re mine.”
“I swear to god, Leila. If you’ve been malnourishing your body because you want to lose weight, I’m going to fucking lose it.”
I must be fucking dreaming because I hear the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. My eyes widen when I look back at her and she’s laughing. She’s laughing. With me. Holy shit. My heart is about to leave my chest. This beautiful woman is laughing, and she scrunches her nose when she does. God, she’s adorable. I’d never tell her that because she’d probably cut my balls off, but she’s so fucking adorable I want to kiss her. So. Fucking. Bad.
I forgot that my fatness offends my mother, makes her hate me, makes me worthless.
I’ve tried so hard to fight for myself. I look in the mirror every day, grab my rolls, and whisper words of love. I’ve been trying to love myself, love my body, embrace it for what it is, that I forgot what it was like. The feeling of disgust of being in my own body. Feeling like I occupy the room with my loud voice and my big body. Feeling like I’m unworthy of love.
He shrugs. “We might do.”
“I wish you could see yourself how I see you,” I tell her, staring into her eyes. “You’re so beautiful, sexy as hell,” I punctuate my sentence with a kiss. “And you’ve quickly become my favorite person to be around.”
But the proof is right there, inside apartment 305 that holds a million and one plants all over the place, that holds the woman I love. Just my luck I fall for someone who doesn’t want a relationship.
“You deserve so much more than just fine, Leila.” Those intoxicating blue eyes bring me a kind of peace whenever he looks at me. “You deserve everything.”
“Aiden. Put me down.” “No fucking way.” I love having her in my arms. “I’m heavy.” I let out a snort. She clearly hasn’t seen what I can do at the gym. “Leila, give me some credit. It’s not my fault you were with weak-ass boys before me.”
“You made me rush out of the restaurant to take care of this needy pussy,” I whisper, running my fingers along her slick folds. “Now let me have my dessert.”
“I think we should—” “Do not say see other people,” he warns. “I thought I made it perfectly clear no one fucking touches you but me.”
He glances at me, shaking his head. “I would give it all up if it meant I could have you.” My god, this man is breaking my heart. “You could never be a mistake.”
His eyes scan my face. “I’ve been on my own for most of my life,” he continues. “I’ve never had a home or a family… but you’re starting to feel like the closest thing to it.”
swallow, licking my lips unable to take my eyes off him. his thumb sweeps over my hand.
She stops and looks back over her shoulder. “You are the worst mistake I have ever made.” Those words hit me like a knife as I watch her walk out of my life. But not out of my heart.
The more I speak, the lighter my body feels. I’ve been holding onto their dead weight for so long, wanting to make it right between us, wanting us to reconnect and be a real family even if I lost everything but what is the point? None of them would do the same for me. They spent my whole life beating me down—literally and figuratively—and I am fucking sick of it.
“It’s not worth it.” I place the can down on the counter, my eyes squeezing shut. Fuck, what did I just almost do? “I just don’t want to hurt anymore.” My voice cracks when I bury my head in my hands. “I want it to stop.” I press the palm of my hands to my eyes. “It hurts all the time.” “Drinking is not going to solve it.”
He sighs, shaking his head. “I get it, man, I do. I turned to alcohol because I couldn’t control my feelings. I didn’t understand what was going on, but you’re not me. You’re better than this.” “No, I’m not.”
